Archive of entries posted on 9th November 2009

Universe Once Again Conspiring Against Science!

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A baguette dropped by a bird has shut down the Large Hadron Collider. This is further evidence that the universe is out to stop humanity from discovering the Higgs boson. It is unknown why the universe would do this, but its anti-Science! attitude will not be tolerated. Yes, the discovery of the Higgs boson could destroy the universe, but if the universe is against scientific discovery, then it deserves to be destroyed. Anyway, if discovering some elementary particle is going to destroy the universe, then it’s done with. Get used to it. And next time make a less fragile universe with hardier bosons.

Science!

Frank Suggestions to Stop Obamacare in the Senate

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The Republicans now need to keep the Democrats from getting sixty votes in the Senate so they can pass Obamacare. They might be able to do it, but just in case they can’t, here are some other suggestions to stop the Obamacare bill:

FRANK SUGGESTIONS TO STOP OBAMACARE IN THE SENATE

* Do an action filibuster. That’s where the Republicans hit the Democrats over and over with metal folding chairs to prevent a vote. It actually takes 65 votes to break this filibuster, which the Democrats are unlikely to organize, especially if they’re dizzy from being hit in the head with chairs.

* Do the Dark Ceremony. This will summon the restless spirits of the Founding Fathers who will then melt the faces of all who subvert liberty.

* Steal the bill and hide it. They can’t vote for a bill if they can’t find it. Make sure to hide it some place the Democrats would never look, like under the Constitution.

* Draw a line down the center of the Senate chamber and declare that the Republican side is now its own separate country. Preemptively attack neighboring hostile country.

* Add an amendment to the bill that the first one in front of the death panels is doddering old Harry Reid.

* As the vote is about to happen, play the sound of a police siren. Then all the Democrats will quickly grab their stash and flee.

* Weakly fight the bill, but let it get passed. Then reveal you put the “Obamacare” label on a bill authorizing the destruction of the sun. Explain that one to your constituents, Democrats!

* There’s always the old standby of getting the vote delayed because of a Mothra attack, but since the last three controversial votes were delayed because of Mothra, the Democrats might start figuring out she’s controlled by the Republicans.

* Carefully explain to the Democrats about liberty and individualism. That should distract them while we set all their cars on fire. WOLVERINES!

Fred Thompson’s Beard *Updated with Response from Fred*

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A number of you have noticed that Fred Thompson has had facial hair in his recent TV appearances. No, this is not the evil, goateed Ted Frompson from an alternate dimension. Instead, Fred Thompson simply bested Chuck Norris in combat and absorbed some of his power. Incidentally, scientists predict that if Fred Thompson were to ever get a ‘stache like John Bolton, he’d be so powerful that the universe would explode just by looking at him.

UPDATE:

Believe it or not, we’ve gotten an official response on the issue from Fred Thompson. He says that “maintaining my status as America’s sex symbol requires adjustment from time to time.”

Since this is the official explanation, any speculation to the contrary will result in being immediately banned from this site.

Mixed Feelings

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Part of me is offended that they’re taking a shot at Fox News.

Part of me is just too damn amused by “Squidface Pelosipants” to care.

Random Thoughts

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What you wingnuts don’t realize is without the stimulus unemployment would be at a million percent right now.

Instead of the already nebulous “saved or created,” I guess it should really be “saved or created or imagined.”

Turning a nice juicy grape into a weird little raisin is a neat trick, but I don’t get why you’d want to keep doing it.

“Look at this puppy. This puppy wants universal health care. Why are you mean to a puppy?”

Swine flu is bad, but just wait until we have to deal with swine rage virus.

For the people calling it a health care “crisis,” when was it last not in crisis?

I’m guessing it’s a “crisis” whenever these greedy little morons aren’t controlling everything.

Somehow America has survived more than 230 years with its health care in crisis.

For all you people who think Republicans are wingnut morons, they’ll be half the people making your health care decisions.

My Democratic Representative voted “no” on Obamacare, BTW. Now what do I do with all this tar (what to do with the feathers is obvious)?

Anyway, it was nice to take break from important things like unemployment and war to tackle a pet issue.

Can we start a new country but sue for rights to the name United States of America? They can be like Sissy-Scared-of-Freedom-stan.

We should probably save some griping for if Obamacare – God forbid – actually makes it through the Senate. Just to be clear, God won’t actually forbid it. We’re free to screw this country up in any way we want.

My advice, invest in the space program. Ever read “The Moon Is a Harsh Mistress”? That’s our best chance for freedom.

Let’s face it: Liberty is a fun idea, but at the end of the day it scares people.

I think it would be good for the Republicans to make sure there isn’t an American who doesn’t understand the phrase “TANSTAAFL.”

David Caruso hasn’t done a traditional sunglasses opening to CSI: Miami in over a season. If it’s because you make fun of him, I’m mad!

Watched “Are You Under the Impression You Can Move in a Rhythmic Fashion.” Don’t want to sound homophobic, but I’m scared of how gay it is.