Once upon a time there were three billy goats, who were to go up to the hillside to make themselves fat, and the name of all three was “Gruff.”

On the way up was a bridge over a cascading stream they had to cross; and under the bridge lived a great ugly troll , with eyes as big as saucers, a nose as long as a poker, and its fingertips caked in neon orange powdered cheese.

So first of all came the youngest Billy Goat Gruff to cross the bridge.

“Trip, trap, trip, trap! ” went the bridge.

“Who’s that tripping over my bridge?” roared the troll .

“Oh, it is only I, the tiniest Billy Goat Gruff , and I’m going up to the hillside to make myself fat,” said the billy goat, with such a small voice.

“Billy goats are teh ghey!” said the troll.

“Oh, no! Pray don’t flame me. I’m too little and insignificant, that I am,” said the billy goat. “Wait a bit till the second Billy Goat Gruff comes. He’s much bigger and flaming him will get you much more attention.”

“Well, be off with you,” said the troll, “Stoopid n00b.”

A little while after came the second Billy Goat Gruff to cross the bridge.

Trip, trap, trip, trap, trip, trap, went the bridge.

“Who’s that tripping over my bridge?” roared the troll.

“Oh, it’s the second Billy Goat Gruff , and I’m going up to the hillside to make myself fat,” said the billy goat, who hadn’t such a small voice.

“You sound like a retard,” said the troll.

“Oh, no! Don’t flame me. Wait a little ’till the big Billy Goat Gruff comes. He’s much bigger and flaming him will get you much more attention.”

“Very well! Be off with you,” said the troll, “Me l33t.”

But just then up came the big Billy Goat Gruff .

Trip, trap, trip, trap, trip, trap! went the bridge, for the billy goat was so heavy that the bridge creaked and groaned under him.

“Is that that big Billy Goat Gruff?” roared the troll. “If I were a fat stoopid goat like you, I’d blow my brains out.”

But it wasn’t actually a Billy Goat Gruff and instead a member of the Russian mafia who was so enraged he hunted down and caught the troll and gutted him which took a very long time since the troll was morbidly obese.

And everyone lived happily ever after.

THE END

Look at this e-mail I just got:

Frank,

I noticed you have a few thousand in savings. Please don’t spend any of it because I already have plans for it. Also, you’re out of Doritos.

kthxbai,
President Obama

I’m really starting to think Obama doesn’t understand the American ideal of privacy and freedom. Plus, he’s a mooch. Here’s what I wrote back:

Barry,

That’s my money! I’m going to buy a bouncy castle and usurp the king and declare myself “Lord of Bounce.” Why don’t you just admit you don’t know what you’re doing, you’re losing all our money, and you have stupid ears and then go resign. And those were Fiery Habanero Doritos! You have to go to Mexico to get those! You suck!

-Frank J.

I’ll tell you if he writes back.