I know a lot of you have been wondering what’s next with the moon after we crashed a satellite into it and caused a huge explosion. Will nuking be next?
No. I’m afraid not. Not yet, at least.
But I am continuing to work with NASA and an am having some good influence. We’ve captured a group of monkeys and are exposing them daily to radiation. This will help us prove whether… um… I forget. I came up with a good reason for it, but all I can remember is that it involved space.
Anyway, each day I go to the monkeys and hold up a banana and say, “Do monkeys want a banana?” And they go, “Ee ee!” and reach for the banana. And then I hit them with a radiation ray. And then I eat the banana in front of them because SarahK says I need more potassium.
Anyway, the scientific information we’ve gathered is astounding. Apparently, monkeys really really don’t like getting radiated.
I keep suggesting we expand the program, but the Sciencetorium only has so much room for monkeys. Thus I suggest we use a large isolated area for testing. How about, maybe, the moon? We could send all the monkeys we can get our hands on up there and then radiate them all at once by… NUKING THE MOON!
Yeah, they’re not going for it yet. But I keep nudging them, and eventually everyone will convert to my way of thinking. And then we’ll have peace. And fewer monkeys.
Better we conserve our nukes for the day we have to nuke Iran…….back.
You, sir, are an evil genius. Like Dr Claw or Dr Forrester. You should think about getting your doctorate, it may be holding you back.
fewer monkeys could mean a collapse of the banana market and the possibility of banana riots so we need to start thinking about banana farmer bailouts.
But I frankly doubt this whole plan will get official approval unless you can think of some way to tie it to global warming.
Rick, how about if we nuke the moon, it will send so much Lunar dust up that if we send it at the right time, it will block some of the harmful rays that get trapped by the carbon emissions let out by the 28 MPG SUVs od Evil Republicans but not the out of tune 60’s, 12 MPG VW buses of hippies. Could just work. That and the nuking monkeys.
As a special favor to me, and probably countless others, is there any possiblity of enrolling those crying tree people into an accelerated irradiation program? I’m for saving as many monkeys as possible.
Irradiated Evil Giant Monkeys? Isn’t that how Godzilla got started? Monkzilla, with radioactive breath and laser eyes? Only a Dick Cheney Death Squad Rocket-mounted dinosaur could stop that!! I got the plan. We make Irradiated Evil Giant Monkeys with one program , then figth them with Rocket-mounted dinosaurs. A Buchcheneyhaliburtonlimbaughbeckneoconfrank plot if I ever heard one. Let’s get started!!
You’re using f-rays, right? (Scroll down to sound clip number three.)
Frank, you work with NASA too? I grow the bananas. You might want to go ahead and let the monkeys have those bananas, they aren’t exactly healthy for non test animals. I can’t say why, but impotence is not out of the question. On a lighter note, um well actually there isn’t a lighter note.
If they learn to talk and ride horses and destroy the statue of Liberty, you’re going to have some explaining to do.
Is that anything like irradiating monkeys to see if they could deliver nukes to the moon? (er… wait.. maybe that was something else….)
We can’t send anything to the moon. Obama already gave the moon to Iran…so that they would be our friends.
If the moon isn’t available or you need a larger test sample of primates, I’d recommend San Francisco as a backup location. It’s big and serves no useful purpose that I can see. It’s perfect for you needs!
Sounds like the irradiation has already mutated the monkeys into squirrel-monkeys. Did an irradiated squirrel bite the monkeys, thereby turning the monkeys into
squirrel-monkeys? Inquiring minds want to know.
Have any of the irradiated monkeys burst out of their monkey-suits, turned green, and ultra-muscular when angered?
Is the head of this experiment named Gen Ross, or Bruce Banner?
Scary Evil Monkey is planning his revenge, you can be sure of that.
Bad news, Frank!
I saw this at Cracked.com while waiting for the latest Lightning Round to download:
http://www.cracked.com/article/153_nuke-moon-5-certifiably-insane-cold-war-projects/
(#5 – Project A119)
Not only do they claim that your plan for world peace was already considered and rejected back in the 60s, but they dis you by scoring it as only the 5th most insane project of the cold-war era!
Still, you might find a few senior planners at NASA who remember it and would like another chance for glory.
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