Democrats are dropping out left and right instead of being trounced in November. That’s because polls are showing that pretty much all the Democrats are doing poorly against an unnamed Republican opponent. But could we actually run an unnamed Republican? The candidate would be this guy in a suit and Mexican wrestler mask who talks of nothing but cutting taxes and cutting spending, but no one would know who he is because he’s the UNNAMED REPUBLICAN. Let’s just hope he doesn’t have a scandal where he robs a bank, because anytime I wear a mask for a long time I start to think of how I could rob a bank.

Have you seen that new building in Dubai? It’s tall. Like taller than anything. Taller than any other building. Taller than any other free-standing structure. Taller than any structure supported with guy-wire. And everyone in Dubai is like, “Look how tall our building is! Much taller than anything you have!”

And since no one has made anything that tall, its architecture is pretty theoretical. It could just topple over any day. Plus, since it’s in the Middle East, basically terrorists now have a new target with a much smaller commute. Actually, I wonder if this was America’s idea. “Hey, terrorists, look at this big shiny thing to attack… far, far away from America.”

So what’s going to be in the building? I guess a bunch of offices. What do they need offices for in the Middle East? Are they just filled with people on the phone saying, “Drill more oil! That’s how we make money here in the Middle East! And by the way… jooooooos!!!”

Of course, I’m probably just making fun because I’m jealous. I don’t have a building that tall.

So I guess Obama tasked the CIA to spy on ice. This is great because it’s not like there is anything more important the CIA should be spying on. You may be saying, “Shouldn’t they be spying on terrorists?” No. That’s a matter for law enforcement. But ice doesn’t fall under our judicial system, so it’s the perfect target for the CIA. Did you know that ice has on numerous occasions collaborated with the Russians? And it’s also liquid water in disguise, but why the disguise? That’s why the CIA is so interested in the ice when it melts: If it’s shedding its disguise, it’s probably up to something.

So before you get all uppity about this, know that if we’d had better ice-spying capabilities in the past, the tragedy of the Titanic would never have happened. That’s one less Celine Dion song.