Jessica presents: “Palin Interview”
Take a hippie-punch at fame by creating your own IMAO-worthy video at Xtranormal (“If you can type, you can make movies“). Send a link to harvolson-at-gmail.com and I’ll give it a look. If it’s PG-13 and doesn’t suck too terribly bad, I’ll post it and let the readers throw roses and/or tomatoes at you.
It really looks like Scott Brown can win Ted Kennedy’s seat in the special election Tuesday. Here’s what to expect if that happens:
* A minor earthquake in Massachusetts due to Ted Kennedy’s buried corpse exploding.
* Numerous resignations, party-switching, and suicides of vulnerable Democrats.
* The Democrats will try to rush their Obamacare bill through the House, not even checking it for errors, and we’ll all wind up with free halth care.
* Obama locking himself in his office, and when he’s told the people want to hear from him, he’ll say, “I’m too awesome for the American people! They don’t deserve me!” This will be followed by loud weeping.
* Left-wing blogs will break down into even more rage and incoherence such that posts will just be made by the bloggers angrily bashing their keyboards with their tiny fists.
* Keith Olbermann will have a mental breakdown and deliver a special comment in the native language of the Na’vi.
* Alan Grayson will be declared rabid and taken in by animal control.
* Democrats will look towards the 2010 Election Day like a death row inmate looks towards his execution date.
* I will do a happy dance.
So, keep your fingers crossed.
This blog post was written in real time.
Barack Obama walked into the Oval office and turned on the lights. He then heard the door slam behind him. He turned around to see a grizzled-looking man. “Who are you?”
“Mr. President, I am former CTU agent Jack Bauer.”
“Oh, thank me,” Obama sighed. “I thought you were a teabagger.”
“I’m here to tell you about a grave threat to this country.”
“Why did you have to sneak in like this? Couldn’t you have gone through official channels?”
“Sir, I didn’t have time.”
“Couldn’t you have texted me?”
“I didn’t have time — I’m really bad at texting. Takes me like ten minutes for a simple reply.”
“Then how do you update your Twitter feed?”
“Sir, we’re getting off topic. There is a threat to this nation from either nuclear or biological weapons… or possibly biological weapons that are radioactive.”
Obama gasped. “That sounds bad!”
“It is very bad, sir.”
“Any idea where this attack might take place?”
“Usually, terrorist attacks occur in the LA area, but that’s started to change in the past few years.”
Obama shook his head. “I don’t like going to LA; I always get attacked by cougars there.”
“I am not surprised. Anyway, to find the details on this attack, I need to use harsh interrogation techniques against a known terrorist we’ve detained. I wanted to get your permission for that.”
Obama thought for a moment. “Alright. If the situation is that dire, I’ll allow you to loudly shout at him.”
“Sir, this will take more than shouting.”
“You want to slap his belly? I’m not sure I’m comfortable with that.”
“I was thinking of a lot more than belly slapping.”
“If you’re suggesting waterboarding, there is no way I’m approving that.”
“Sir, I warm up with waterboarding.”
Obama frowned. “Torture is wrong; you are a bad man. This is why people like me hate America.”
“Sir, I know there is a lot of pressure on you as this nation’s third black president — and the first who isn’t a Palmer — and it has to be scary knowing the last half-dozen presidents all ended up either dead or in prison…”
“I’m hoping for prison!”
“We all are. Anyway, I know there must be a lot of pressure on you, and this must offend your sensibilities, but there is literally a ticking time bomb out there–”
“I would think time bombs these days would use digital timers.”
“Excuse me?”
“They would use digital timers, so there wouldn’t be any ticking. Thus you used the word ‘literally’ incorrectly. I’m very smart.”
“Sir, once again, I think you’re focusing on the wrong things. Tens of thousands of people could die unless I get the information out of that terrorist.”
“Well, Jack, tens of thousands of people die from car accidents each year, so I don’t know why you want me to get all worked up over that. Here’s what I’ll do, though. I’ll release a bunch of prisoners from Gitmo, and we’ll see if that will impress the terrorist enough to talk.”
“This is a man who thinks nothing of murdering children; I sincerely doubt he’ll talk out of the goodness of his heart.”
Obama rolled his eyes. “Yeah, I know; you red-staters just want to hurt all the bad men and think that solves everything. Instead of torturing, though, have you ever tried to be his friend? Maybe give him a hug?”
“A hug will not do anything, sir.”
“Maybe you’re hugging wrong. Here, give me a hug so I can see how you’re doing it.”
“Mr. President, I never put my arms around another man without him ending up dead afterward.”
“I don’t think this conversation is going anywhere. Here’s what I’ll do for you, Jack: I’ll try to make sure you have a fair trial for even suggesting torture. I’ll probably have to make an example out of you, though; I don’t want the rest of the world thinking we let people like you still run around.”
The door opened and Joe Biden walked in. “Hey, I just wanted to–”
Bauer immediately got Biden in a choke hold and choked him unconscious.
“Hey! That was the vice president! And the doctors have already been saying he’s not getting enough oxygen to his brain!”
“I’m well aware of who he is, sir; I just didn’t have time to explain things to him.”
“What’s it with you and not having enough time? Sounds like you just need better time management.”
“I’ll take that under advisement. Anyway, I guess I’ll just have to pursue this without your permission. Before I go, though, I want to warn you that I think there is a mole in your administration undermining you from the inside.”
“Really? I thought that was just incompetence.”
Bauer thought about that. “Yeah, I guess that is the more likely explanation.”
Political robo-calls would be cool if you were talking to a real robot with artificial intelligence and a partisan ax to grind.
When do we start discussing whether 2008 was the dead cat bounce of liberalism?
So is the opinion of the Democrats now that the 9/11 attacks were a strike against the fat cats on Wall Street?
Robo-Call: “Computron supports Coakley, friend of robots.”
If Coakley drops in the polls even more after Obama campaigns for her, I will have chortles.
“No, Obama, you’re going to Mass. for Coakley. Coke-LEE.”
If the Doomsday Clock reaches midnight, America turns back into a pumpkin.
Wow. The insides of a Thermos can really shatter to pieces if you drop it on pavement. Well, nature seeks homogeneity, and it received it.
A great slogan for Democrats: “Trade in your freedom for some free-smart.”
Rocksteady tried to run as a Republican, but he couldn’t get any support since everyone labeled him a RINO. The Flintstones’ pet dinosaur had a similar problem with the Democrats.
So has the U.S. been exploiting Haiti? To gain what?
New Idea: Giant Republican techno dance party with robots!
E-mail from Joe Biden: “We want our money back”. Words fail me.
If Brown wins, we’ll probably read a lot from Democrats why it means nothing, in editorials and suicide notes.
I guess I just didn’t get Shaun of the Dead. I found it just okay. I’m a humor expert. If something is funny, I should know.
Was surprised the first couple comments to my PJM column were negative, but then I remembered I made light fun of Palin.
Mmm. Mountain Dew Throwback good.
I like that when they have two 24s in a row, they still have the “Previously on” segment before the 2nd episode in case goldfish were watching.
Jack Bauer is the only man I know who can pull off owning a purse.
Ok, one more:
Greg presents: “Coakley for Senate!”:
Take a hippie-punch at fame by creating your own IMAO-worthy video at Xtranormal (“If you can type, you can make movies“). Send a link to harvolson-at-gmail.com and I’ll give it a look. If it’s PG-13 and doesn’t suck too terribly bad, I’ll post it and let the readers throw roses and/or tomatoes at you.
