Archive of entries posted on 25th January 2010

What’s Wrong With Arlen Specter?

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Honorable Senator and professional grumpy old man Arlen Specter angrily told Congresswoman Michele Bachmann to “act like a lady” when she interrupted him during a radio talk show interview.

I ain’t Miss Manners, but that seems a little inappropriate for a discussion between duly elected Congresscritters.

Wonder what’s prodding old Switchin’ Specter’s irritable bowels to get him in such a huff?

I speculate thusly:

“Shut up, toots! I’m talkin’!… now… the important thing was that I had an onion tied to my belt, which was the style at the time…”

* Not used to having women talk back to him. Heck, he’s still getting used to the notion of pushbuttons on his telephone.

* Kids on his lawn again, and him not sitting in his favorite yellin’ chair.

* Feeling conflicted – yeah, Kennedy’s seat went to a Republican, but at least their ain’t some broad sitting in it.

* Hates that every new invention starts with a lower case “i”. Misses the days when the prefix “electro” was cat’s pajamas.

* Still upset that Barbara Boxer got called “ma’am“, instead of the proper honorific, “Little Missy”.

* Wet Depends

* Bachmann is a German name, and it’s just too soon to start trusting the Krauts again.

* Really, really misses Rosebud.

* Not barefoot – fine. Not pregnant – fine. Couldn’t she have at least called that radio show from her kitchen?

* Once jilted by a flapper named “Michele”

Anyone else care to venture a guess?

Exclusive interview with Ellie Light

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There have been news reports recently of letters to the editor in many newspapers all across the nation … signed by Ellie Light.

All claimed to be local, meaning that either Ellie Light had homes in over a dozen states, or there are lots of people named Ellie Light, and they all think — and write — exactly alike.

“Astroturfing” was the suspicion. “Sock puppets” was the charge.

As it turns out, we have located Ellie Light. And there are many Ellie Lights. Here’s a transcript of our exclusive interview:

Basil
Thank you, Ellie, for taking the time to talk with us.

Axelrod-MTM
It’s my pleasure.

Basil
There have been charges that you are actually a front for members of the Obama administration. What do you say to that?

Axelrod-MTM
That’s ridiculous! I am a red-blooded American male, uh, woman, who loves his country and supports the greatest, smartest, bestest person ever elected to the presidency, Barack J. Obama.

Basil
You mean Barack Hussein Obama?

Axelrod-MTM
Racist!

Basil
Um, hmmm, ah. Well, Ellie, how do you explain that you’ve signed letters claiming to live in different cities across America?

Axelrod-MTM
I have no idea what you’re talking about. I live in Cleveland, and have always lived in Cleveland. I don’t know anything about anyone named Ellie Light in Philadelphia.

Basil
I didn’t say anything about Philadelphia.

Axelrod-MTM
Yes you did. But I didn’t write that.

Basil
Then who did?

Axelrod-Mona
I did.

Basil
Who are you?

Axelrod-Mona
I’m Ellie Light. I live in Philadelphia. Have my whole life. And I support Barack Obama. He’s so smart, sexy, and manly — and he’s such a great president!

Basil
So, there are two of you named Ellie Light?

Axelrod-Marilyn
More than two.

Basil
Who are you?

Axelrod-Marilyn
I’m Ellie Light. I live in Baltimore.

Basil
Just how many of you are there?

Axelrod-MTM
How many do you need?

1994 vs 2010

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President Obama told retiring Democrat Congressman Marion Berry, that the difference between the political situations in 1994 and 2010 was “you’ve got me”.

Is he serious? Both years featured first-term, promise-breaking, tax & spend liberal presidents in the midst of over-reaching on health care legislation.

Heck, Obama’s just one chubby intern away from BEING Bill Clinton.

IMAO Reader Theater: “George & Barry”

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5th Level Fighter presents: “George & Barry”


[Xtranormal direct link]

Take a hippie-punch at fame by creating your own IMAO-worthy video at Xtranormal (“If you can type, you can make movies“). Send a link to harvolson-at-gmail.com and I’ll give it a look. If it’s PG-13 and doesn’t suck too terribly bad, I’ll post it and let the readers throw roses and/or tomatoes at you.

Frank Advice for Life

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Speak softly and carry a big stick, unless you’re going through security at the airport. Then they’ll be like, “Why do you have that big stick? Stop speaking so softly; I can’t hear you!”

What Makes Obama Angry?

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A lot of liberals are saying Obama needs to get angry, because apparently being patronizing to the American people wasn’t enough so he also needs to yell at them. Obama often seems cool and aloof, though, so getting him angry might be hard. Still, I compiled a list of things known to make Obama angry.

THINGS THAT MAKE OBAMA ANGRY

* Overpriced organic arugula.

* Most stores not having the extra large ear muffs he needs.

* Free will.

* Not being given quiet time to eat his waffles.

* Capitalism.

* Wannabe socialist dictators getting thrown out of power.

* Teleprompter malfunctions.

* Liberty.

* Networks not airing every one of his prime time speeches.

* FOX News.

* Typical white people.

* Bowling.

* Windows that look like doors.

* Talk radio.

* Alaska.

* Guns and religion.

* People recording speeches he thought were to a private audience in San Francisco.

* Americans.

Depressing Future

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It’s 2010. That’s the future. But could you imagine explaining this time to your younger self?

When I was a kid in the eighties, I expected the future to have robots and jet packs and laser guns flying cars and colonization of Mars. But the only popular personal robot is a little thing that vacuums, jet packs are still impractical, laser guns are still a future tech for the military, I don’t even know what happened to flying cars, and not only are we not colonizing Mars, we’re still trying to get back to the moon, i.e., back to where we were in 1969.

So what’s the big tech thing right now? The iPhone. Would my younger self even be impressed by that?

FRANK: See, it’s an iPhone. It has a touch screen.

YOUNG FRANK: We have touch screens now.

FRANK: Yeah, but you can load an app on it to pretend it’s a lightsaber. Zing zing!

YOUNG FRANK: That’s stupid and you’re stupid! So no robots or flying cars?

FRANK: Well, we have hybird cars.

YOUNG FRANK: Like part car and part boat?

FRANK: No… um… like part gas and part electric.

YOUNG FRANK: Who cares!

FRANK: Well, we have the internet. That’s the big technology that shapes the future. It’s all information at your fingertips. Like, if you were wondering about the back story for Velma from Scoobie Doo, you could just look it up instantly on Wikipedia.

YOUNG FRANK: But if you want to shoot someone with a laser gun, you’re out of luck?

FRANK: Yeah, but… our TVs are wider.

YOUNG FRANK: So nothing like Bladerunner?

FRANK: I believe their TVs were not wider.

YOUNG FRANK: The future is boring and stupid!

FRANK: Here’s something interesting: We have a black president.

YOUNG FRANK: Mr. T?

FRANK: No… nothing like Mr. T.

And then I’d try to explain Twitter to him and he’d probably punch me in the nads and run away. Thanks, The Future!

Random Thoughts

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Q. Why can’t sound travel through space? A. Because of an ancient curse.

Arlen Specter kinda looks like Nixon’s older brother.

Got my W-2. The government already has so much of my money; I wonder if I can convince them to give some of it back? No, the government will probably be like, “we can haz mor money? kthxbai.”

If liberals had followed through on their threats to move to France or Canada, maybe they could have kept those countries form moving right.

Anyway, liberals, might want to get your moving plans in order before November.

Satellites, why won’t you talk to me? I’m sorry I called space boring; that probably offended you since you live there.

So apparently the SC decision is sending us to the Robocop type future where corporation run everything. Will employment be better?

We really don’t have enough crime fighting robots. Or break dancing ones.

As kids, we expected the future to be full of flying cars and robots. Do you think we’d be impressed if told about the iPhone?

I can see myself explaining Wikipedia to child Frank: “Wow; who cares? Get away from me! Stranger danger!”

I notice a common character on TV shows these days is the guy everyone irrationally hates.

Not satisfied with what the Democrats have been doing, I’ve made my own health care plan. It’s 500 pages. I have no idea what’s in it.

We should have someone named Ellie Dark write letters trashing Obama to tons of local papers.

It’s hard at Favre’s age, because instead of throwing the ball he just has this urge to yell at all the players, “Get off my lawn!”

Sports should add “no mercy” rules where if one team is hugely ahead, they add more time so they can pile it on even more.

We have Vikings and Cowboys, but we need sports teams called Ninjas, Zombies, and Robots. And maybe Hobos.

If the Saints lose in the Super Bowl, everyone in New Orleans will be like, “This is the worst day here ever!”