So what does one have to do to be technically classified as a scientist? Because I want to be one, because then I can release my blog posts to the press and the press will be like, “Scientists say that the best solution for world peace is nuking the moon. Also, scientists warn of the need for dinosaurs armed with rocket launchers to meet future needs of the military.”

So how does one get called a scientist? I like to think and stuff, and I have a bachelors in science. And I’m very, very smart. I want a scientist badge to wear so everyone knows to believe everything I say. So how do I get one?

So they’re thinking of moving KSM’s trial to someplace other than New York City since Obama is a total screw up at everything and obviously doesn’t think things through. I have a solution to make everyone happy, though. Let’s just say we’ve got an agreement with Aquaman and the Atlanteans to try KSM. Then the liberals will be like, “That’s great, because the Atlanteans are sophisticated people; they’re not like the savages in America.” Then we’ll tie KSM to a big a rock and throw him in the sea while wishing him a good trial and the liberals will applaud that civility had won out.

The secret is though: There is no Atlantis. KSM will just end up sitting at the bottom of the ocean and have his eyes eaten by crabs. Poetic justice, really.

New champion of fighting global warming climate change: Osama bin Laden.

In his latest tape (is he actually still recording things to tape?), bin Laden called for “drastic solutions” to global warming, and “not solutions that partially reduce the effect of climate change.” I remember a while ago bin Laden had a tape where he basically ran through every liberal talking point, and now he’s demanding action on climate change? So if you thought no one listened to liberals, well apparently terrorists do. You’d almost expect Osams’s next missive to be a diary on the Daily Kos.

So now not only do we have to convert to Islam to keep terrorists from blowing us up, but we also have to fight the left’s made up problems. What’s next? Osama is going to threaten to attack us unless we return Ted Kennedy’s seat to the Democrats? He’ll blow up a daycare unless we get a public option?

Republicans should seize on this and put out ads saying, “We opposes the cap & trade measures supported by Obama and Osama bin Laden.” Just don’t mix up Obama’s and Osama’s names as that’s getting easier than ever.

My wife wants our dog to be more like the cats, but I’d rather my pit bull not randomly attack me when she’s bored.

Hitler makes everything funnier. Except war.

Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Punch him in the face and you shut him up now.

Never read Zinn, but he seemed like a favorite of pretentious Hollywood types who wanted to think they were smart.

I use my brain for thinking and, when running, ballast.

“Dana Bash” is a good name for the alterego of She-Hulk.

Oh. For a second I was pretty scared there. I thought the president said he was going to make a new high-speed quail.

I read “Catcher in the Rye”, but all I remember was the main character getting beaten up over a prostitute and I think there was ice skating

If something has corn syrup in it, it should count as a serving of vegetables.