Just to be clear I’m not inciting violence, when I say, “Punch liberals in their dumb monkey faces,” I’m being metaphorical.

Punch them even if they have normal faces.

…I’m just kidding! There’s no reason to do something extreme like punching someone in the face when socking them in the gut and shouting, “Hippie!” will do.

California has nothing been nothing but trouble for America lately and will probably only help swallow us in debt. So here’s a new idea to take care of California:

We sell it.

You’re probably saying, “You’ve had that idea before!” Yeah, maybe I did — I’m not good on the remembering — but there is more to this idea. See, we sell it cheap (we can’t give it away or it will be suspicious) to some country. They’ll probably be like, “This is our chance to make it big!” and invest all they have in California. And maybe, miracle of miracles, they get California back in working order. Like maybe a brutal dictatorship takes it over and whips everyone in line. If that happens — BAM! — we invade California and take it back. It’s right there, so that should be easy.

This could be bad PR for us, though. What if giving California to another country will be compared to when we gave infected blankets to the Indians?

Is it just me, or is it now that Obamacare has passed, Obama is starting to lower expectations on it? Here’s an excerpt from his recent speech on his “I Won” tour:

“Let me be clear, I never said this wouldn’t destroy the economy. Things will probably get worse before they get better. Much worse. You’ll probably wish you never heard of me… or at least more so than you do now. But this is all part of the plan. I never said things would get better right away. Or in the near future. Or in your lifetimes. But my plan will be working, and someday — perhaps in a far distant future with jetpacks and laser rifles — you’ll begin to see improvements in your health care. Or maybe the improvements will appear in an alternate universe where I have an evil Spock beard. The point is, this plan will work, sometime, someplace — but perhaps not perceivable to the naked eye.”

That’s quite a bit different from his rhetoric a week ago before the vote on Obamacare:

“When my health care plan passes, your insurance rates will go down 3000%. Immediately. You will be paid to be sick. In fact, the healthy will envy the sick. And if even one more person gets cancer, then my plan will have failed. But it will not fail. And gummy bears will be free from now on. And we will live as gods. Gods, I say! Gods!”

I was thinking, why doesn’t the GOP ever advertise itself to the far left. Like maybe they can take out ads on Daily Kos with specially targeted slogans. Well, maybe not “slogans” so much as “taunts” or “threats”. Here’s what I was thinking:

GOP SLOGANS FOR THE LEFT

“We Are Going to Destroy Everything You Love”

“We Will Be Nourished by Your Tears”

“They’re All Going to Laugh at You”

“Think of the worse thing that ever happened in your life. Multiple that by a million. That’s what you have to look forward to after November.”

“Your Pathetic Existence Will Soon Become Completely Intolerable”

“All You Fear Will Come to Pass”

“You Will Never Have Happiness Again”

What would you like for a GOP slogan targeted to the left?

With how the left keep saying the right is violent and must be stopped, I’m afraid the left is soon going to get violent. Saying one side is encouraging violence is just going to encourage violence. We need to stop irresponsible anti-violence rhetoric before it leads to violence. Look what happened to Ann Coulter.

Next generation won’t even be capable of political violence thanks to obesity.

So what’s all this talk of right-wing violence? Did a Dutch cartoonist depict Ronald Reagan?

Why would someone shoot at Cantor? Despite his job title, he doesn’t actually whip minorities.

Let’s not equivocate. Democrats are getting threats, but no one threatened Cantor. They only shot at him.

What we need at times like this is some big celebrity scandal to distract everybody. Tom Hanks, want to take one for the team?

If we act upset at attacks on Republicans, we’ll only encourage more attacks on Democrats. Best attitude: “Pfft. Who cares. Shoot at Cantor all you want.”

Where do kids learn political violence? Videogames. If only Mario tried to settle his disputes with King Koopa non-violently. Fire flowers are supposed to be registered, so of course Bowser wanted to end the question-mark block loophole.

Can’t we all calm down and focus on the real enemy: Rogue asteroids.

Nothing to be angry about. I never expected the country to be around forever. Going to enjoy it while it’s here, though.

My advice, make sure to have the backup skill of digging holes. No matter what, the world will always need more ditches.

I just hope the inevitable collapse of this country doesn’t happen before the release of Iron Man 2.

I expect the biggest challenge for us right after the collapse of America will be shoddily constructed Thunderdomes.

I propose we get ahead of the curve and create a Thuderdome regulatory commission.

Also, to conserve material, we should consider making our leather jackets with only one sleeve.

Anyway, I’d started reserving your Blaster Apprenticeship with the Master Blaster.

It must have been cool to be the first Roman in your neighborhood to get a glass window. “It’s solid, but you can see through it! Will technology ever cease to amaze!”

Politics go deep, but it should never be what you are.

In the next Star Trek movie they’re going to take on Kahn and finally start to see the improvements from Obamacare.

A lot of people seem to think Frum is smart, but how smart can you be and lack self-awareness of how irritating you are to fellow cons?

The IRS is now going to be part of your health care. Audits will soon also involve a colonoscopy.

Community is funny is so many different ways it’s not funny. Except it is.