Hey, I have an idea for a new execution method: We tie someone up under the booster rockets of the space shuttle. They should kill quickly — but you’ll never know when they actually get used because launches get scrubbed last minute every time. That adds an extra element of fun. And other countries can’t call us “barbaric” or “uncivilized” for this, because could a barbaric, uncivilized country kill someone with a space shuttle? Other countries don’t even have space shuttles because they are dumb compared to us.

Still, I bet some people will try to get it made unconstitutional for being “cruel and unusual punishment” — and I guess it’s at least somewhat unusual. Still, maybe we can get it through under the Commerce Clause or something.

Just a note: If the Republicans want to be able to shout, “Woo! High score!” and then enter in their initials (“GOP”), they need to claim 126 seats from the Democrats. Sounds nigh impossible, but there is a bit of a perfect storm brewing with all the Democrats screw ups and how they just came off of a wave themselves.

Wouldn’t it be awesome if the Republicans had a huge majority like that? Then any time Obama has some new idea on how to expand government and tries to get it passed, the Republicans will just be like, “Shut up! And get me a soda, bitch!” Well, hopefully they’ll be that way, or we’ll need a third party.

Iran, as always, is moving towards nuclear weapons, and now Sen. McCain is starting to rattle the sabers. Are we really going to end up in a war with Iran? Led by sissy Obama goober? Probably more likely Obama is just going to sit there and make speeches, and then Iran will get the bomb, and then Obama will be like, “Well, nothing we can do now.” Then Iran will actually use the bomb and Israel will go ballistic and… lots of fun.

There’s probably not a happy ending to this Iran scenario, but who knows. Anyway, I think we should all rewatch 300 to see strategies that worked against the Persians. There’s a big difference, though, since in that movie their leader is very tall while Ahmadinejad can fit nicely in a shoebox.

Anyway, this should make all those people who want us out of Afghanistan and Iraq happy, because I’m thinking the way to get us out of there quickest is needing to start a new war with Iran. I just hope North Korea doesn’t use the distraction of the conflict to cause trouble, because that’s just what we need right. Well, I’m sure China and Russia will help out if that happens.

It’s Tax Day! It’s the day we all give back to the government so the dimwits in Congress can quickly waste the money on some bridge to nowhere. Man, if it weren’t for withholding, today would be a day of complete chaos and anarchy. It would be awesome.

I just wish this day didn’t have to feel so much like take a big portion of my earnings from last year and throwing it in a pile and burning it. What am I paying for these days? Defaulted mortgages caused by earlier jackassery of the government? It would be nice if the government at least humored us, sending us pictures of terrorists getting blown to pieces labeled, “Your taxes paid for this.” Then I’d at least feel my thousands of dollars were going to something useful. Instead I keep hearing about million dollar grants to some random museum in a Congressman’s district that didn’t even request money.

Here’s what we should do. I assume a lot of the Congressmen use some credit union or something in D.C. We should find a way to hack into all their accounts, steal all their money, and then spend it on completely useless crap… like everything from the Sharper Image catalog. Then they’ll get know what it feels like.