Archive of entries posted on 26th April 2010

The Plague of ‘A’ Students

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P.J. Rourke has a good article on the problem we’ve had with A students running everything lately.

Now I’m an A student, but I’m like a super-duper extra smart one so I’m okay and won’t screw things up. See, I’m so smart that I know I’m smart and not to question myself because why would I come up with bad ideas with how smart I am. Like nuking the moon; that’s not just so smart no one else would come up with it, it’s practical.

So you should put me in charge if you want real smart solutions that involve space and robots and dinosaurs, not this faux-smart crap that involves interfering with the economy and adding to government. That’s the smart stuff dumb people do.

Scaring Off Aliens

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Stephen Hawking doesn’t want us contacting space aliens because he thinks they could destroy us and just plunder our planet for its resources. He apparently came to this conclusion after lots of his super-smart physics thinking — or maybe after watching the movie Independence Day. Don’t worry, though; I have the solution.

We just make sure to send broadcasts of the original Star Trek episodes into space. Then aliens finding out about our civilization will see what happens to hostile space aliens: They get punched in the face by Captain Kirk. Hostile aliens will then avoid us not wanting to get punched in their face or their alien equivalent of a face.

Captain Kirk saves earth again.

Reminder to GOP: I Can Be Bought

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Apparently the 2012 GOP hopefuls are all focusing on having a big online presence. I should remind them that a part of any online strategy for a Republican should be having a right-wing humor blogger completely in the tank for you. Thus it should be noted that I’m for sale, relatively cheap, and there are barely any right-wing humor bloggers more popular than me (maybe seven or eight).

Think of the help I’d be. If you bought me, I could use my wit shilling for you, like writing clever things like, “Huckabee is Hucktastic!” But if you don’t buy me off, I could use my humor against you, writing things like, “Huckabee? More like stupid Hickabee.”

I can even be bought for the Democrats. Just think of the boost for Obama if a right-wing blogger humor blogger were suddenly to become an Obama supporter saying things like, “I just can’t make fun of him. There’s nothing to make fun of; he’s too awesome. I even made an Obama ears hat to show my support.”

So anyway, just e-mail me for prices. You want me shilling for you rather than against you.

Features of the New $100 Bill

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Due to increased printing expenses, now costs $150.

So there is a new hundred dollar bill out to make things even harder for counterfeiters. Here’s some of the new features on it.

* Has a 3D hologram of Optimus Prime fighting a Tyrannosaurus Rex.

* Around the edges in microprint are the lyrics to “It’s All About the Benjamins.”

* To further confuse counterfeiters, on the back is the exact replica of the front of a twenty dollar bill.

* Under the portrait of Benjamin Franklin should be visible a tiny body holding up that giant head.

* On front in big letters is “DO NOT COPY” so counterfeiters can’t just claim they didn’t know.

* Also, in smaller letters, is a reminder that it’s not valid in the game of Monopoly.

* When held in sunlight, should see watermark of Benjamin Franklin’s arch-nemesis from an alternate universe: Fenjamin Branklin.

* Visible inside should be a security strip labeled: “Do not remove or government can’t track you.”

* Lot’s of splashes of color to celebrate the $100 bill having come out as our first openly gay currency.

Random Thoughts

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The Insane Clown Posse have a point: There are a lot of miracles all around us, and we should take time to notice them.

Also, I’ve taken advanced physics and can describe magnetic forces, but we don’t really know how magnets work.

NASA would like me to tell you that if the moon explodes soon, it has nothing to do with the secret space rocket.

I have a slogan the Republicans can use for the election this year: “Change we can change in.”

Actual line from AZ bill: “If someone looks Mexicany and doesn’t have his papers, you can whomp him with a stick.”

I wonder if the AZ law means I might finally have buyer for my Mexi-Cannon idea.

Actual line from AZ bill: “Dey took are jahbs!”

Illegal immigration is all America’s fault for having a border.

If an illegal immigration squish like McCain approves of the AZ law, then it obviously doesn’t go far enough!

I’m for getting rid of borders. Easiest way: Have America conquer all of earth.

New meaningless exclamation I’m going to try out for surprise/shock: “Bacon-eating Mohammad!”

A lot of people are saying they won’t go to AZ with all the bigots there, but Mexicans seem to like the place.

Who exactly is David Brooks’s audience? Who wants to read that?

I love the mature trees in our neighborhood. When we were in a new development, it was nothing but fart jokes from the trees.

Actual line from AZ bill: “One can’t be considered suspicious just because he’s Hispanic. He has to be REALLY Hispanic.”