It is my understanding that some of you haven’t bought my new t-shirt yet.

I can only conclude this is because you hate America? Why would you not like America? It is a very good country. It has nachos and football (the good kind) and the Grand Canyon which is very pretty. If you think about, I bet you’ll agree that America is a very nice country and that you should not hate it.

Why don’t you apologize to America for being unfair to it by buying my t-shirt. America will forgive you.

Here are ten tips to becoming a famous blogger. That sounds like a lot of tips to follow to become a famous blogger. Who has that amount of time?

I, on the other hand, have a two step solution:

FRANK J.’S TIPS TO BECOMING A FAMOUS BLOGGER

STEP 1: Start a blog.

STEP 2: Go on a multi-state killing spree.

And — BOOM! — you’re a famous blogger.

But maybe you’re morally opposed to a multi-state killing spree. Well, STEP 2 can be lots of things like curing cancer, saving the president from terrorists, or claiming your child is stuck in a runaway balloon.

So, pretty simple, huh? Go out there and be a famous blogger!

The Democrats are talking about introducing “immigration reform”, but the thing is that immigration is just fine and doesn’t need handling. It’s people illegally sneaking in the country that we need handled. Yet usually “immigration reform” means “cool prizes you get for having illegally sneaked into the U.S.”, and when people find out we periodically award prizes for sneaking into the country illegally and we still haven’t secured our border, well that’s just trouble. In fact, it makes you think that anyone who propose “immigration reform” while the border isn’t secure hates America and all it’s citizens. And why would people hate us? What have we done other than be awesome all the time?

So how do we secure the border? I was thinking we need to just go in Mexico and have some sort of educational program on what a border is because maybe they don’t know what a border is, but it ends up they do as they’re very brutal in enforcing their southern border. So, maybe we could be more like Mexico, but then if we were more like Mexico, everybody would be sneaking into Canada.

So what do we do? I always thought the most humane way to enforce our border would be a wall of fire. A wall of fire is highly visible, so no one could claim they didn’t see the border. You can’t climb a wall of fire, because flames are a plasma and don’t support people’s weight. Also, it would just be cool looking.

So I say we get a wall of fire all along our southern border (and northern too because I don’t trust Canada; they’re like pod people Americans) and put up signs that say, “VERY HOT! DO NOT TOUCH BORDER!” And then we can talk to the Democrats about “immigration reform.”

Whoops! We left the Democrats on the wrong side of the border when we unveiled it! I guess they’re stuck. Well, good news for immigrants: New slots have opened!

The huge, devastating oil spill in the Gulf is making people question whether we should “Drill, baby, drill!” As I understand it, there are two reasons we drill for oil:

1. We need oil.
2. Oil is obtained by drilling.

And unless one of those two things change, we will continue to drill for oil. Bill Maher was on This Week for some reason (“Angry, unfunny comic — bring us wisdom!”) and was convinced that somehow Brazil got over number one in the past twenty years. I’m not sure how he thought they did that — it probably involved leprechauns riding unicorns –but no, you can’t have a country without oil unless you want to play Renaissance fair 24/7.

So, even though we’re like, “Oh no! Drilling is scary and bad!”, the fact is we still have to drill and drill a lot. We can just have third world countries do the drilling and deal with the spills and buy the oil from them, or we can man up and drill for oil here in America. I suggest we drill in the Grand Canyon. That way if we spill, it’s already in this big container so no big whoop.