All the Navy SEALs were found not guilty of abusing a terrorist. You might think that’s a good outcome, except the defense proved they didn’t punch the terrorist. So basically a terrorist went away unpunched. How does that happen? Terrorists are even worse than hippies; of course they should be punched. This is the military Obama wants — ones where terrorists get hugs, not punches. And if a Navy SEAL can’t punch a terrorist, what do you think are the odds Obama’s going to let giant robots eat terrorists for fuel? So basically the entire future of the military is at stake here.

So write your Congressmen telling them you think Navy SEALs should punch terrorist and then draw a picture of it on the letter so the letter will really stand out. Giant, man-eating robots of the future are counting on you!

So why do you think Obama caused the oil spill? I’m tired of the current Obama conspiracy theories and want to start a fun new one. We just have to come up with a plausible story and run with it.

Here’s what I’m thinking: Obama is all like, “I want to pass cap & trade to tax everybody more, but I need a disaster to give me cover.” So Obama talks to his terrorist buddy (and gay lover) William Ayers, and Ayers says to Obama, “I’ll make a bomb to blow up an oil rig. I love terrorism and I am your close friend.” So in the middle of the night Obama and Ayers swim over to the rig and plant the bomb. They then dive deeper to take out the safeties on the drilling, but Aquaman spots them and is like, “My fish friends said something was going on over her, so I came to — ack — erk!” See, Obama distracted him while Ayers got behind him and strangled him. That’s why Aquaman’s body was found washed up soon after the spill. People thought the oil killed him, but autopsy did seem to indicate it could have been a strangling.

Anyway, after the job was done, Obama pulled out a gun and shot Ayers to cover his tracks, and he was all like, “It feels so weird to kill a terrorist instead of help them and be their friend.” That’s why we haven’t heard anything about Ayers in a while. And then when the rig explosion was reported, Obama just sat around and let it get really bad. Can you think of any other reason he’d do that than if he blew up the rig himself and murdered Aquaman? Neither can I.

So I don’t have evidence of any of this, but I also don’t have evidence of their not being evidence which is kinda like evidence. Anyway, try and prove any of it wrong; you can’t because it’s all true and makes too much sense.

So everyone is like “Carly Fiorina is a RINO. She is going to do nothing but make us made if elected. She is a super-duper RINO. Even thinking about her makes me cry.” So who does Sarah Palin endorse in the California primary? Carly Fiorina.

Yeah. What’s up with that? Palin is supposed to be the anti-RINO. I understand her endorsing McCain out of loyalty, but this was an open race in which an actual conservative could be elected. The person is going to be running against Boxer, one of the shrillest, dumbest Senators out there. We want someone good to do that. Instead, Palin stabs conservatives in the back, and not everyone is remaining mindlessly loyal to her. Palin even had to update her endorsement on Facebook to assure everybody that Fiorina isn’t a RINO even though she totally is.

Let this be a lesson to you: Never trust politicians. Ever. They’re like trained wild animals. You may think they listen to you and are loyal to you, but one day they could just suddenly turn on you and you end up like Roy from Siegfried and Roy: Injured and very gay.