Japan used to be a proud country full of warriors like samurai and ninjas, and now they have women hiding from attackers by disguising as a Coca-Cola machine.

If you’ve seen the demographics for Japan, you know this is what it looks like when a society slowly dies off. You may ignore the old people ranting about kids these days and how awful culture has become and think that’s just what the old people always rant about, but you might want to listen a little bit. Otherwise, one day we could end up like Japan.

I feel like I should say something about the Supreme Court nominee, but I don’t really know anything to say. She’s not a lesbian — the Obama administration is very clear on that — and she was never like a judge so she doesn’t have any legal opinions to analyze. That’s all I know. Still, if Obama nominated her, I doubt she’s all like, “Hey, you can’t do that; that’s not in the Constitution!” That’s something only crazy, right-wing judges say.

There are some rumors she used to live in a gingerbread house and kidnap children, but the Obama administration hasn’t denied those rumors like they did the lesbian ones. And she came in second in a national hot dog eating contest, though I’m not sure how that relates to a legal philosophy.

Yeah, I know so little I already had to start making stuff up. Really, though, Obama is replacing a liberal Justice with presumably another liberal and I don’t think there’s any chance we’ll like who he picks, so I’m not sure under what conditions am I supposed to care about this. So, by default, I am opposed to Ellen Kagan because Obama likes her and we’ve seen the sort of people Obama likes, but I don’t care that much.

So Obama is ranting about iPods and video game now:

“With iPods and iPads and Xboxes and PlayStations, — none of which I know how to work — information becomes a distraction, a diversion, a form of entertainment, rather than a tool of empowerment, rather than the means of emancipation.”

He then followed up with a comment about “kids these days and their loud rock music.”

Yeah, I don’t get it. Isn’t bombarding people with empty sights and sounds how Obama become president?

“Yes we can!”

“Hope & Change!”

Obama’s whole campaign was based on repeating stuff like that over and over and hoping no one really thought about it. There was more substance to the plot behind the videogame Doom than the Obama campaign. And didn’t he give the Queen of England an iPod full of his speeches? Is that a distraction, a diversion, or a form of entertainment? I think it’s at least two of them.

Isn’t the only hope for the Democrats not to get devastated in November for there to be lots more distractions? They need shiny things with blinking lights that make loud noises everywhere and constantly befuddling everyone, because if people get to stop for even a second and think about the trillions Obama has spent and the massive bills he’s passed that no one knows what are in them, Obama’s approval ratings plummet.

So what has been BP’s big solution to the oil spill so far? Drop a box on it!

I guess they realized that’s the sort of solution a four-year-old would come up with, so they changed it up a little. They decided they’ll drop a box on it… USING ROBOTS!

I like that concept — take a low tech idea and then try to spice it up by gratuitously throwing in something futuristic. So maybe in the future there’s an oil spill on land, and everyone is like, “What will we do about it?” And BP will be like, “We’ll throw a tarp over it.” And everyone will say, “Well, that’s not much of a solution.” And BP will be like, “You didn’t let me finish: We’ll throw a tarp over it… FROM SPACE!” And everyone will be like, “Wow! What an awesome idea!”

Of course, the robots dropping a box idea didn’t actually work, but box dropping robots are a new technology. As the technology improves, scientists estimate that half of all our problems in the future will be solved by robots dropping boxes on things. The other half will be solved by violence, same as always.