So South Korea, as punishment to North Korea for sinking one of their ships, is now broadcasting propaganda at the North Korean border. That’s got to be a hard job to explain to North Koreans exactly how much their country sucks. To tell them the frank truth is going to sound like an exaggeration, and no one is going to believe it.

“Even all of Africa is better off than you guys.”

“It’s not normal to have a weird little pot-bellied, poofy-haired leader.”

“As for the capitalistic countries Kim Jong Il denounces, guess what they have: Fat poor people.”

“Have you guys even heard of the iPad?”

North Korea is a lot like that Twilight Zone episode where a little all-powerful kid runs a town, and everyone has to pretend all the crappy things he does are good so they don’t get sent to a cornfield. It’s kinda insulting we share the same planet with it.

So the American born Yemeni cleric Anwar al-Awlaki sent out a 45-minute video explaining to Muslims why they should kill American civilians. A lot of people are convinced Islam is about peace, but this guy seemed to have studied Islam pretty well and he’s like, “No, randomly murdering people is totally cool with Allah and a good idea.” I think that’s a problem a lot of Americans have with Islam; while we all would like to think Islam is a peaceful religion, the terrorists have studied it much more than us and have reached completely different conclusions. Like I could tell you why Jesus is against murdering people, but I don’t actually know the arguments for when Muhammad is against killing people as he did kill people sometimes.

So what’s the solution? Do we all need to study Islam more and figure out exactly what its tenets are? I hope not, because I’m still studying Christianity and don’t really have the time for that. Let’s let Muslims debate whether their religion is peaceful or not and help out in a different way: Find whoever thinks Islam says its okay to murder people, and shoot them in the face. Nothing personal, but that religious belief system is incompatible with American society. And by shooting all the pro-murder people in the face, we will help make sure the anti-murder side of Islam wins the debate regardless of the merits of their arguments. I know what you’re thinking, though: Isn’t shooting people in the face one of those things Jesus is against? Correct, so that’s why we have atheists do it. It’s a logical solution like Spock would come up with, don’t you think?