I hear people are now getting my new t-shirt in the mail.

You can use the comments in this post to tell people how awesome the t-shirt is and why everyone else should buy one.

BTW, I hear that wearing one of my new t-shirts is a way to possibly get an invitation to join the Dick Cheney Assassination Squad.

As you all must know by now, America is in the midst of a disaster of massive proportions due to a giant hole that has, for far too long, been spewing toxic waste into our environment and wreaking further havoc on large sectors of our already severely wounded economy.

Until now, little if anything has been done to seal up this hole and contain the damage. In response to this crisis, Our Great Leader stepped forth and boldly demanded, in a manner befitting his vast leadership skills, that someone, “Plug the damn hole!”

And, at last, someone did…

Continue reading ‘Plugging the Hole’ »

Mark Twain wrote a memoir he didn’t want published until a hundred years after his death (that’s this year). That was probably so he could speak candidly of people at his time without those people still being around to get their feelings hurt. I don’t know if that’s the same as talking about people behind their backs.

I might do the same thing. I’ll make a memoir that isn’t to be published until a hundred years after I die. Then, a hundred years later, people will be like, “I wonder what Frank J. had to say about his time; he was like the greatest person in all of history and took care of that big rock that used to orbit the Earth — I forget what it’s called.” But then they’ll read the memoir and be like, “Hey! This is actually trashing us!” That’s because I invented a time machine (I’m a super genius), went a hundred years in the future, found out all about the people from then, and went back to my normal time and wrote a scathing critique of society a hundred years from now. Then, they’ll be angry but won’t be able to do anything about it because I’ve been dead for a hundred years — except I’m not! I’m right behind them and I beat them up.

I don’t like people from the future. I think it’s because they’re a bunch of know-it-alls.

So as to help the energy crisis, have we ever tried drilling for oil in Mexico? There should be a decent amount of oil there and some it should be on land so if we spill it, we just get it all over Mexico instead of the ocean.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: Won’t Mexico be all like, “Hey, that’s our oil! You can drill for it, you pesky gringos!”

Yeah, but then we’ll say, “Oh, so now the border means something to you.” And we can give Mexico a choice: You can act like a border is meaningful and not encourage people to illegally cross it, or we get to come over and drill all your oil.

Actually, either way, let’s just take their oil. We like oil.

“Plug the damn hole!” That’s what Obama told people the other day. Because that’s what a leader does. He yells stuff, and then stuff gets done. He’s seen it on TV.

GETTING STUFF DONE PLAN

STEP 1: Yell what you want done.
STEP 2: ???
STEP 3: Things get done.

I’m not sure step 2 is actually important.

I wonder why Obama hasn’t used this power before. Like everyone wants the economy to produce more jobs, so I don’t know why Obama hasn’t stared the economy in the eye and said, “Create some damn jobs!” I guess he was too busy working on his damn health care.

Anyway, a lot of people thought Obama should be doing something about the oil leak, so this is him doing something. I don’t really get that though; I thought by now we learned that if we have something really important going on, we should keep him away from it.