Someone in the New York Times was saying that while we currently have 5,113 nukes, we only need 311. I’m not sure how he got to that number (because then I’d have to read like the whole article), but does that sound even close to enough? Let’s say we got in a war with everybody — we couldn’t even nuke every major city with that few nukes.

Think of all the uses there are for nukes. There’s war with other countries — or just when we get really mad at another country. And then there’s asteroids heading for earth we may need to blow up. And possibly alien attacks. Or a city may get overtaken by zombies, and we have to neutralize it. Or there’s just a really large amount of brush that needs clearing. Or we don’t like how the moon is looking at us. Or we need to wake Godzilla. Or we’re just really bored and want to see a cool explosion. Does 5,113 even sound like enough for all that?

I’m okay with reducing our official number of nukes to 311 if that may get other countries to drop their guard, but then we should secretly raise our actual number of nukes to a nice big number like 100,000. We’ll just have to hide them well. Like every streetlight in New York City: A launchable nuke. People are all worried about us having too many nukes, but can you think of anything worse than needing a nuke and not having one?

No you can’t.

Sometimes I think Republicans are just unreasonably against Obama to the point that he can never win. Like everyone is saying to him that he needs to focus on job creation, so Republicans get all angry at him when he’s fiddling around with health care and working on cap & trade and playing in his sandbox and completely ignoring the issue. But what happens when Obama tries to finally get someone employed?

Republicans want an independent investigation of Obama and are even threatening to maybe impeach him!

He can’t win!

Apparently when Obama offered Joe Sestak a job to get him to drop out of the Senate race, that’s like a “bribe” and “illegal.” That sounds just like business as usual in Chicago, so I can understand him being confused that everyone is acting like it’s a big deal. Poor Obama; he’s seemed so scared and frightened since becoming president, and it’s never getting any better. Instead of making some federal case out of this, can’t we just assign Obama to write a five-hundred-word essay on why bribery is wrong to show he learned a lesson?

So they’re going to build a mosque right next to ground zero in New York City, I guess to celebrate the triumph of Islam over buildings. Supposedly it’s made by “moderate” Muslims, but why would moderate Muslims want to help terrorists celebrate their murders? I mean, do those funding the mosque not know that the terrorists are going to take the building of a mosque there as a triumph, or do they just not care?

I remember when the 9/11 attacks were going to change things and we were all going to be a serious people, but it didn’t take long until the usual suspects went back to not taking serious things seriously — why worry about terrorism when there is food out there being over-salted? What we should learn from the mistakes of Europe is that if you actually want to survive as a nation, at some point you have to act like you actually care.