Archive of entries posted on 7th June 2010

Idea for Flotillas

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I have an idea of how Israel can handle the flotillas next time with less chance of outrage. When a flotilla comes, they should immediately send commandos to board it, shoot and kill everyone on it, cut off their heads, put the heads into boxes, and mail the boxes back to their home countries.

Here’s my theory: The Middle East and a lot of the rest of the world is so worked up being outraged about Israel that if Israel did something really outrageous, their brains would overload and shut down. It will be like a million voices cried out “Jooooo!” and were suddenly silenced.

It’s Science!

Not Sorry

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George W. Bush recently said he was not sorry about waterboarding Khalid Sheikh Mohammed. In fact, Bush said, “My only regret is that we didn’t waterboard him more and to less purpose.” They even released a partial transcript from one of the waterboarding sessions:

BUSH: Now you’re gonna talk, Strawberry Shake Mohammed!

KSM: I’ll tell you everything I know!

BUSH: Not good enough! I want more than you know! Waterboard him!

KSM: **gurgle**

BUSH: Now, what’s your name?

KSM: I already told you: It’s Khalid Sheikh Mohammed.

BUSH: I want it to be “Reginald Cummerbund.” Waterboard him until he says his name is Reginald Cummerbund!

KSM: **gurgle**

Of course, we don’t get this fierce determination from our current president. Did you hear what Obama recently said about terrorism?

“Terrorists are just a normal part of nature like the antelope and basalt rock, and we should learn to live with them.”

And instead of waterboarding terrorists, he sits in a drum circle with them and smokes pot. No wonder analysts soon expect Belgium to replace us as a superpower.

That Wacky Helen Thomas

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So what do you think about Helen Thomas and her wacky ethnic cleansing ideas?

Now must of the White House press corps are fringe left-wingers who are virulent anti-Semites and also hate black people (as far as I know), but they have the good sense to at least try and not sounds like total nuts all the time. Unfortunately, Helen Thomas lost that good sense when she entered old age and started going senile forty years ago. She should be doing crazy rants at home with her family around her, not to Robert Gibbs in lieu of a question.

I can’t even get too angry at her, I just wonder why her colleagues or okay with her constantly embarrassing herself like this. Of course, I don’t understand the White House Press Corps history, so maybe they’re always supposed to have a crazy ranting person up front. If that’s the case, couldn’t they let Helen Thomas retire in peace and instead get a Ron Paul supporter to take her seat?

Random Thoughts

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Glad Thundercats is coming back, but I never got why Mumra didn’t just kill them all when they were distracted with a laser pointer.

If it’s any consolation, Galarraga’s not quite perfect game is getting more attention than an actual perfect game would have. Also, with this experience, I’m sure it will be even easier for him to throw a perfect game the next time.

We need robot umpires who never make mistakes and seldom try to kill all humans.

Maybe it’s time to finally admit that baseball is a sport from back when Americans had longer attention spans and has no place now.

I think our dog has lost weight. For the first time ever, she was able to slip under the gate and run into the neighbor’s house.

Too many countries working on nukes. We need to colonize Mars so we have an escape hatch.

For the record, I don’t actually care whether Obama is focused on the spill or not. I don’t see how he can do anything useful.

Unless he decides to nuke the leak.

How important is it that the president pretend to care about disasters? Politicians are sociopaths; they don’t actually care about anything.

If we want a president who can convincingly pretend to care, let’s elect an actor. Actually, that worked out pretty well last time.

Anyone know what Al Gore’s been doing since the separation because I thought I saw him in my backyard last night.

They tried to get a photo op of Obama cleaning off oil-covered birds, but he kept accidentally killing them. He’s like Lenny.

Helen Cartman: “Why don’t the Israelis go back to San Francisco with the rest of the Jews!”

Let’s not rehash that Obama birth certificate nonsense. He was born in Hawaii; I’ve seen him hula dance.

You know what the left imagines Tea Party members to be like? That’s what Jackie Knotts actually is.

Anyone ever figure out what Grimace from McDonald’s is? As a kid, I always assumed he was the souls of dead samurai given form.

Ends up my grandma left me some government bonds. If I cash those in, will I bankrupt the country?

So has Encyclopedia Brown been rendered completely obsolete by the internet?