So there’s like that soccer championship going on again. It’s pretty much like the most important thing ever to most of the world. So what does that mean to us? That means if by some chance the Americans win it, we need to at least act like we care about it and know what it is. Because if we win the World Cup and the whole world is devastated by the American win of the most valuable prize ever and we’re all still like, “What’s a World Cup?”, that could ruin our relations with everyone. So here’s an FAQ so if we win it we can all act like we care and know what it is so the world won’t get too angry at us.

WORLD CUP FAQ

Q. When is the World Cup?
A. According to the buzz on Twitter, it’s like sometime around now.

Q. How long does it last?
A. I think like a week or something.

Q. How many games are there?
A. I dunno. I’m going to go with… eight.

Q. What country is it in?
A. South something, I think. South Mongolia?

Q. What channel will it be on?
A. ESPN7

Q. Is it true the rest of the world calls soccer “football”?
A. I’m pretty sure that’s an urban legend.

Q. Is the World Cup anything like a World Championship in our sports?
A. No, because instead of it being played among the greatest athletes in the world — other Americans — it’s played against other countries so it’s much easier.

Q. Why is it so popular when it’s so boring and stupid?
A. I dunno. Why is socialism popular in other countries? Because they’re weird and foreign and not smart.

Q. What’s with all the violence with soccer fans?
A. If soccer was the only thing your country had going for it, wouldn’t you be angry and violent?

Q. How long has the World Cup been around?
A. At least since the 80s.

Q. Are there any famous soccer players I should know about?
A. There is this guy called like “Pegleg” or something.

Q. Is Obama a soccer fan?
A. Come on. Let’s stop taking cheap shots at President Obama.

Q. So do we get like an actual cup if we win, like one we could put beer or soda in?
A. I’d hope so, or the whole thing really is completely asinine.

Q. Is there a cash prize for winning?
A. I think you get $20 American, which is like a lot of money everywhere else in the world.

Q. Why are you doing an FAQ on the World Cup when you don’t seem to know anything about it?
A. Hey, I don’t tell you how to run your blog.

So what’s up, South Carolina? The establishment GOP there looks pretty bad down there just from the racist hillbilly attacks on Nikki Haley, but as for the Democrats there… I guess they’re basically nonexistent in organization. How else do you explain Alvin Greene? Unemployed, lives with his father, paid the $10,000 to get in the Senate primary (where’d he get that money?), did no campaigning, and won with 58% of the vote against an actual funded politician. And the guy is unwatchable; he can’t even answer basic questions about his campaign. Oh, and he has a felony obscenity charge against him.

Democrats like nothing better than to feel really smart, but I’d love to hear the smart answer to what happened in South Carolina. So do Democrats follow politics at all, or do they just go to the polls and randomly vote for people?