Arizona doesn’t care who they piss off. First they decided to actually enforce federal law which made like everyone angry. Then they got rid of that separatist, multicultural crap from their schools. And now they’re turning lions into burgers. While everyone else is like, “Oh, what majestic creatures!” Arizona is like, “Food!”

Arizona is just a rogue state that doesn’t play by the rules — the way America is supposed to be. I heard federal officials went down there to yell at them, but they forgot their ID so Arizona deported them to Mexico. I wish we had more states like that.

Excitement!

I haven’t actually watched any more soccer because those vuvuzelas make me murderous, but I’m excited to hear we won our group and advance to the next round to play Ghana. And if we beat Ghana, then… well, I don’t really understand the competition structure. But something will happen and America is super winner number one!

I think I’ve gotten the rules down pretty well. You kick the ball and don’t touch the ball with your hands… unless you’re the goalie. And you try to kick the ball into the other team’s net. And sometimes that gives you a point unless the referee decides he doesn’t like your country.

Here’s my question: Have they thought about hitting the ball with sticks? I bet things would play even better if they used sticks like in hockey. They should try it, because maybe there isn’t anywhere in the soccer rulebook that says “NO STICKS!” And they might not even be able to check the rulebook because so many countries play soccer that who knows what language the rulebook is in.

Anyway, now that we’re out of the first round, that means no more ties (I think). I hope we crush Ghana. A completely blowout like 2-0. Except that Ghana is this little African country with a per capita less than $2000, so it feels kinda mean to crush them. We should beat them, but give them some encouraging words. Unless they blow vuvuzelas, because then they have no souls and then I don’t care what happens to them.

Al Gore was the focus of some sexual assault charges? Wow. Then again, he did spend a lot of time around Bill Clinton. Of course, it could all be a mistake; maybe the masseuse ran into some tree branches and thought it was Al Gore groping her.

I don’t know what to say other than to repeat my usual advice of keeping a good distance away from Al Gore. He’s always going on about crazy made up stuff like elves, leprechauns, and carbon credits, and who knows — he could be dangerous. Just don’t get alone in a room with him.

“As you can see from this slideshow, global warming is melting the polar icecaps at an alarming rate. Now I’m gonna feel you up.”