Excitement!
I haven’t actually watched any more soccer because those vuvuzelas make me murderous, but I’m excited to hear we won our group and advance to the next round to play Ghana. And if we beat Ghana, then… well, I don’t really understand the competition structure. But something will happen and America is super winner number one!
I think I’ve gotten the rules down pretty well. You kick the ball and don’t touch the ball with your hands… unless you’re the goalie. And you try to kick the ball into the other team’s net. And sometimes that gives you a point unless the referee decides he doesn’t like your country.
Here’s my question: Have they thought about hitting the ball with sticks? I bet things would play even better if they used sticks like in hockey. They should try it, because maybe there isn’t anywhere in the soccer rulebook that says “NO STICKS!” And they might not even be able to check the rulebook because so many countries play soccer that who knows what language the rulebook is in.
Anyway, now that we’re out of the first round, that means no more ties (I think). I hope we crush Ghana. A completely blowout like 2-0. Except that Ghana is this little African country with a per capita less than $2000, so it feels kinda mean to crush them. We should beat them, but give them some encouraging words. Unless they blow vuvuzelas, because then they have no souls and then I don’t care what happens to them.
If we beat the Ghanan team, we should probably give them some food. I bet they don’t have any.
Making bread is as exciting as watching soccer.
“And now here’s MarkoMancuso, his honey wheat bread’s looking a little bit wet. Mancuso reaches for the flour, he puts it in…GOAL! What a decision by Mancuso! Look at the form of that bread now! It’s perfect!”
“And now here’s MarkoMancuso, his honey
wheat bread’sis looking a little bit wet. Mancuso reaches for theflourcandy thermometer, he puts it in…GOAL! What a decision by Mancuso! Look at the form of thatbreadhoney now!It’sShe’s perfect!”I like your stick idea! While we’re at it, though, running around on a grassy field in shorts isn’t very manly. We could make it way more exciting if we gave them a more difficult field, like ice. And to move on the ice, the players would have to wear razor-sharp blades. Then we’d dump the soccer ball (no one seems to like it this year anyway) for something smaller and easier to hit with a stick, that would have a shape that allows for sliding on the ice (we’d call this object a “puck”). Of course, a smaller puck/ball means we’d have to shrink the size of the goal net. Oh, and instead of players flopping on the ground and refs pulling out yellow cards when the players so much as look at each other funny, we’ll just allow the players to hit each other.
I think with those changes, hock…er, soccer could be a real sport.
I’ve been told Ghana ousted the US from the last World Cup, so instead of feeling it’s mean to want them crush, you should have a “let’s beat them so bad they skulk away wimpering and crying for their mamas.” At least that’s the way I’d feel if I actually cared at all about it. Wake me up when NFL training camps open.
Oh wow, MarkoMancuso is penalized for failing to preheat the oven. The referee shows him the yellow card.
They should play with sharp pointy sticks.
Mancuso in a bit of nasty spot here, he’s run out of bread flour. He’ll have to rely on whole wheat flour and whole wheat flour isn’t the best for maintaining the dough. He’s giving it all he’s got, there he adds some water as it was looking a bit dry. Coming up on the end of the first kneading period…yes, there’s the whistle, the dough now will have to rise. Mancuso is out of time, the dough looks all right, but just all right. He, of course, knows that many across the world are cheering him on as it has been decades since anyone has challenged the superiority of the French bakers.
Oh no, the referee shows Mancuso the red card. The officials confer and, yes, it appears he used an excessive amount of corn meal on his peel when moving the bread onto the stone. This surprising ejection reminds this commentator of the major international incident created last year where the Cypriots were expelled for adding too much sugar when proofing the yeast.
Mancuso argues with the officials, but they tell him to get his buns out of there.
Soccer is still gay…and so is Tweeting…but the world’s starting to catch on to the gayness of Tweeting while only the US has acknowledged the gayness of soccer.
Mancuso has the BLOOOOOOOOOOOOT but the oven is BLOOOOOOOT BLOOOOOOOOOOOT Now, he’s coming in for a BLOOOOOOOOT What’s this? He seems to have a BLOOT! It looks like he’s going to BLOOOOT BLOOOOOOOOOT BLOOT BOOT Wow! The umpires aren’t going BLOOOOOT at all. But BLOOOOOT of fans are loving it.
Didja ever notice that most European guys throw balls like a girl? That’s what soccer gets ya.
While the rest of the world was busy inventing soccer. We invented Rollerball, a sport championed by James Caan.
Oh NOES! MarcoMancuso – FAIL at making Vuvuzela bread! Ants in the kitchen… Apes in the plaza…
If you have tivo, I’ve found that the games are just as exciting if you pause them as if you leave them running and they’re 900% less annoying because that shuts the bees up.
Of course, watching Marco make bread is much more exciting than either.
” Of course, watching Marco make bread is much more exciting than either.”
I agree. Let’s hope Marko puts the video online so we can catch all the action. Imagine if he does top the French bakers, man, you’ll be able to hear the chants of USA, USA, USA all across the fruited plains! GO MARKO!
“I agree. Let’s hope Marko puts the video game online…”
Marko Mancuso: World of BreadCraft!
Watch out Madden.
Its really sad that you would know that. Isn’t baking and soccer women’s work? Ok never mind. — DamnCat
Dang I love instigating.
Is it just me or are soccer balls racist? What with all the white hexagons covering up the black ones.
*** Breaking News ***
Transylvania, Pennsylvania (AP) – That famed Pennsylvania bread chef, Marko “Yeasty” Mancuso suffered a setback today in the World Cup Of Bread competition held in this small baking pan of a town. Not to be outdone by Marko’s first round score, his famous French competitor, Francois Glutén la Beurre posted a temporary first place in the second round of bread raising – setting an all-time record dough-raising ratio of 11.4:1 by volume. Marko, fresh out of low protein bread flower and urged on by fanatical Vuvuzula-blowing fans from IMAO, mistakenly put pumpernickel flour and extra Mexican yeast into his batch in hopes of catching the Frenchman. The resulting explosion was ruled “unsustainable as bread dough” by red flag-waving umpires with French accents dressed in pink uniforms. Needless to say, Marko is out of the competition this year. “I think I’ll just have a glass of liquid bread, instead. After all, that’s what beer is” muttered Marco as he left the competition covered in weird-smelling dough remnants.
DAMN Jimmy, that’s awful. I really hoped this was the year.
Mancuso was our great Red White and Blue hope to finally top the French bakers. Oh well, he gave it a hell of an effort and I’m sure Marko will harder to beat next year.
USA, USA, USA, USA …
Marko! Marko! Marko! Marko!
Amid Proud Infidels chanting of USA!, USA!, USA!, france surrendered to the Liliputions.
A terrible setback befell Mancuso. His power went out in a thunderstorm and so did his bread – into the trash can – as it had perishable items. He ended up having to eat supper at Wendy’s.
Not only the Lilputions…they’re the only nation stupid enough to lose a war with Mexico.
Far more entertaining form of soccer
Soccer would be worth watching if the ball randomly exploded. Oh, look, mommy! It’s raining limbs!
Rant:
Ghana is a place that like India they retained a lot of British influence from the colonial days. The exchange rate is murder on them trying to come here but those like my friend Daniel from there shares more traditional American values then many Americans. My point is there and India are perfect examples of where we should be opening up to for immigration. Not just unfiltered refugees from more Eurotrash run failed Spanish and Portuguese neighbor states from the south. Who mind you raided their cupboards, burned their house down, and filled their lawn with trash and criminals and now want to move the siesta over to our better kept home and lawn. We all started at the same place hundreds of years ago they just messed theirs up.
I know liberals get a chub thinking about all the new voters they think they are going to get from illegals but liberal culture as they know it wont survive the assimilation either. Think about how prop 8 passed because of all the Catholic Mexicans in California who voted for it. Not to be confused with native South Americans like my friend Theodoro who’s visa expired but we really need more like him here. Taking our on the cusp of civil war part 2 dual culture country and dumping a third very aggressive culture into the mix is extremely stupid. For reference shooting fireworks off indoors or at a gas station is only kinda stupid.
I am tired of the civil war myself but I dont think devolving it too thunder-dome is the right direction. Constitutional Federalism that would allow liberals and conservatives to not have to share the same bathwater is a far better solution to a culture war that never should have happened in the first place. It only happened because Left wanted consolidated federal power for their experiments and have been expanding it for a hundred years, while the right ultimately went along with it because hey every now and then they get to be in charge and hey isn’t all this power great.
Those corrupt thieves dont deserve this country or its Constitution and if you wont protect it will be taken from you and given to those who will.
Side note: Bush had literally 3 times the approval rating in several African countries that he had in many American states
Worse than cats and dogs sleeping together is that Damn Cat was last seen alive meowing outside Marko’s kitchen door. I think we should check the oven for evidence since Marko hates three things more than soccer. Those would be cats, burglars and most of all, cat burglars.
I don’t want any immigration, none at all. Close the borders, find the illegals and send them back. Those who are here need to assimilate including the learning of the English language, if they choose to stay. If not Hasta la vista baby. Don’t let the screen door hit you on your way out and take your friends and allies in Washington with you, and lock the door behind you.
Oh and no local Sharia law, no burkas, nothing that infringes on a persons life, liberty and pursuit of happiness. You want to live here, you play by our rules otherwise, GO AWAY.
BTW I don’t like March madness, don’t care about the World Series, sleep through golf and tennis. World Cup is not even on the radar. Sorry, so not interested especially since this is Europes way of getting back at the US for what ever imagined slight they are fantasizing about at the time. Bad calls, flagrant foul, unfair advantage, not what I call a fun time. I especially like it that countries who can’t feed their own people have the money to field a team in South Africa. Priorities, priorities, priorities.
I have a severe case of “ladies in soccer jerseys fever.”
It mostly breaks out on Saturdays.
I just wanted to thank you for posting that picture of the soccer ball with this post so I wouldn’t be tempted to find out if it was something interesting to read. It reminds me of the way I’ve been telling the Best Buy people that they should put signs around that Mac section to keep people from wasting time in there looking for something useful.
Soccer ??? I can`t stand it any longer. On every tv channel over here (in germany) they are talking about soccer. Today the german team is playing against england and if germany will win it is going to be even worse
There actually is a sport where you hit a soccer ball with a stick… while running on ice — it’s called broomball, and it’s a ton of fun! In the warmer months, we also play in a gym. And I’m sure it could be done on grass, but I’d be afraid of ruining my broom. 🙂
Soccer might actually be fun to watch if they skipped all the boring stuff and just went straight to the penalty kicks. Throw in some sticks, rock throwing and knife fights (on the field of course, just like they have in the stands right now) and you might finally have something to get excited about!