Archive of entries posted on 15th July 2010

No More Resort for Terrorists!

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So apparently the terrorists are having a jolly old time in Guantanamo with internet and tons of books and flat screen TVs and free financial classes. They even really enjoy the Twilight series… like we weren’t suspicious enough of them already. Whatever happened to when a terrorist complained about being bored, we’d light him on fire and say, “Now how bored are you!”?

Our terrorist holding facility should never have been in the nice tropical location of Guantanamo. Instead, we should put terrorists in the American Siberia — Canada. We’ll just say to Canada, “Hey, we’re going to build a big prison in your country and ship all our terrorists there. Is that okay? Don’t bother answering because we don’t care.” And then all the evil terrorists will be trapped in the harsh plains of Canada, where any who try to escape will be eaten by a moose. That’s my best idea until we can put their prison on the moon. And then nuke the moon.

Or I guess we could nuke Canada. It’s pretty big; it’s not like it would be a big deal to nuke a few areas. Come to think of it, along with storing terrorists in Canada, why don’t we also test our nukes there? Canada really could be pretty useful if we were a little more imaginative.

Are They Sure the Number of Jobs Saved or Created Isn’t 3,500,000i?

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So the White House is now claiming they’ve saved or created 3.5 million jobs in the last quarter. That’s a lot of jobs! I don’t know how the unemployment rate is near 10% with Obama just shooting jobs out his rear like this.

So what are these jobs? Here are some that Obama has saved or created:

* Park rangers for snipe preserve.

* Unicorn groomers.

* Warden for leprechaun prison camp.

* Grief counselors for bigfoots.

* Assistant to the Tooth Fairy.

* Gremlin exterminator.

* Border patrol for border with Honalee.

* Administrative assistants for honest lawyers.

And everything single one of Obama’s jobs he saved or created is completely invisible and only detectable by the magical pixies who do his number crunching. That means they’re secure!

The iPhone 4: Noli Me Tangere

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So apparently the iPhone 4 loses it’s cell signal if you like touch it. That seems like kind of a bug. I’m not sure how that got through testing, but maybe they tested pretty similar to how it is used and just everyone just sat around admiring. Plus, once you touch, it gets all smudged and isn’t as pretty. Why would you do that to it?

Anyway, Apple is going to give a press conference on the issue, and my recommendation is to be arrogant and dismissive. Start out with something like, “I can’t believe your wasting our time with this when we’re busy at work at awesome new products.” Then just say, “The phone call function of the iPhone is clearly an unsupported beta function. And why are you making phone calls with it anyway? Do you have cavemen friends you have to alert about charging mastodons? You technophobes make me sick!” I think that should work, but if people are still complaining, give them free black turtlenecks.

Random Thoughts

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“Thanks for stopping that giant asteroid, Superman, thus creating or saving billions of jobs.”

Biden says the imaginary benefits of the Recovery Act wouldn’t have happened if Republicans had successfully teamed with rogue unicorns. I’m paraphrasing.

Bastille Day? What’s a bastille? Wasn’t it that giant snake in the second Harry Potter?

A terrorist bomb in Newark? Are next they going to threaten to blow up the city dump?

If Obama gives me a thousand dollars, I will create or save a million jobs for him.

I’m going to start new business where I both sell carbon credits and create or save jobs. And trade magic beans for cows.

So when will Cheney finally be more machine than man?

Understanding the left

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Anyone with any sense can see that Barack Obama is an incompetent idiot.

Of course, anyone with any sense would have known this before the election.

So, how did Obama get elected to begin with? And why do so many people, despite all the facts, still cling to him?

College football.

No, really. Think about it. Some people are fans of college football. Some go nuts about it. About their favorite team. And it’s scarily similar to the way some people are about Barack Obama.

Here in the south, college football is king. Georgia fans love UGA and hate Georgia Tech. Tech fans love the Ramblin’ Wreck and hate the Bulldogs. It’s like that in every state. Alabama vs Auburn. Florida vs FSU. Mississippi vs Mississippi State. Southern California vs UCLA. It’s like that all over, and at all levels of college football.

Then, you have interstate rivalries. Georgia and Florida fans hate each other. Ohio State and Michigan are that way, too. Texas vs Oklahoma.

Now, imagine for a minute if suddenly, say, my team, the University of Georgia, was shown to have committed every NCAA violation there is. And, the school lost accreditation. And the football team went 0-11.

Would I suddenly become a Georgia Tech fan? Or a Florida fan? Or an Auburn fan?

No, I’d still have that UGA tag on my car (or would have, if someone hadn’t broken it when they backed into my car).

Now, take the same scenario, but make the schools on the other side of the country: Washington vs Washington State. What would a Washington fan do if his school committed every NCAA violation there is, lost accreditation, and the football team went 0-11? He’d be unhappy, but he’d be a Husky fan still.

Ohio State vs Michigan. Same thing. No matter what happened, no matter what the facts show, the Buckeye fan would still be a Buckeye fan. The Wolverine fan would still be a Wolverine fan.

And that’s how Obama followers are.

Only, here’s the thing: as a football fan, I’ll joke about how college football isn’t a matter of life and death; it’s so much more important than that. I’ll joke about how the top religious groups in Georgia are, in reverse order, Methodist, Baptist, and Bulldog.

The thing is, I know it’s just a game. I know the Bulldog Nation means nothing next to the Family of God.

Obama followers? They’re a lot like college football fans. Only, the presidency is a matter of life and death. Ask any soldier, sailor, airman, or Marine.

The presidency and the direction of this country isn’t a game. Football is a game. Politics is serious business.

Obama followers have the loyalty down pat. But, it’s misplaced. They’re following a man, not a principle.

When it comes to college football, I’ll get on some other UGA fans’ nerves when I cheer for Georgia Tech against an ACC opponent. They’ll pull their hair out when I cheer for Florida in a bowl game. But, as much as I am a fan of UGA, I’ll cheer for the other teams in the state. And for the other teams in the conference.

I’m a football fan. I express it through UGA.

Politically, I’m a conservative. I express it through, well, blogging. And voting. And by political donations.

I didn’t agree with everything Ronald Reagan did (primarily, pulling out of Lebanon was a bad idea). I didn’t agree with everything George Bush did (primarily, the first bailout). But I’m not tied to an individual. I’m tied to a conservative philosophy of self-reliance and personal responsibility, backed with Christian beliefs.

Obama followers, and most on the left, blindly follow their leader, parroting what they’re told, and ignoring the facts that contradict their version of reality, as explained to them.

They’re like rabid college football fans. But it’s not a game. And they don’t understand that.

As long as we understand that about them, we’ll be able to get by.

I just hope like hell that, come November, they think it’s spring break and go on vacation overseas. And stay there.