Are there really monkey annoyance experts as this article suggests? Because I have been worried that America is getting behind in the Science! of monkey annoyance and needs to start a well-funded monkey annoyance program. I even have some monkey annoyance theories to test, like I think a monkey would be really annoyed if you shook him while screaming at him… but I haven’t tried that in a lab setting.

Yes, I bet all you monkey annoyance experts are reading that and saying, “Those sound like the ideas of a monkey annoyance amateur.” Still, I think with some training I could be a great at the study of monkey annoyance. I’ve already had a lot of practice annoying cats and dogs and my wife and am really ready to move on the monkeys. I wouldn’t have come up with the idea to annoy monkeys with a flying squirrel (not being an expert like you guys), but I do have some creative monkey annoyance ideas like only lighting their cages with strobe lights and putting their favorite foods into clamshell packaging. I think together we can really learn a lot about monkeys and their annoyance.

Oh, and how do you know for a scientific certainty when the monkey is annoyed? With people, you know when because they say, “Man, I’m really annoyed.” Or if they’re Mexican, they say, “Man, I’m really annoyed. I’m from Mexico.” But with monkeys, I guess they just jump and screech and stuff when annoyed? Because that’s what I’m always aiming for — to make them jump and screech. I just want to make sure I’m doing it right.

So a woman asks Representative Pete Stark about the problems of declaring health care a right, and Stark says there is basically no limitations on how the federal government can tell people to live their lives. Now, I didn’t watch the video (I got this thing where I don’t like hearing other people talking; every time people talk it just drives me crazy), but it sounds pretty bad. Originally, the Constitution had all sorts of limits as the Founding Fathers didn’t trust the federal government (even though they made theirs), but liberal judges eventually parsed the Constitution into complete meaninglessness.

Most Americans don’t like liberals’ ideas, but we’d have less of a problem if they just followed the rules and only did things actually meant to be allowed by the Constitution or tried to pass amendments where they thought the Constitution was lacking — i.e., it would be nice if they played by the rules. But with liberals, it’s more like playing against someone in a board game who keeps changing the rules willy-nilly to his advantage. They don’t care about getting things done in a fair manner with those who disagree with them (which is most people); the power grab is all that’s important. And now we have a D.C. full of useless dimwits like Stark thinking they have unlimited power to tell everyone what to do. That certainly was not the Founding Father’s intention unless Benjamin Franklin invented a time machine and went into the future and saw what we were like and said to the other Founding Fathers, “What a bunch of jerks. I hate them. Let’s design a system of government that is completely awful and will blow up in their faces because I hate them so much.” But I never heard any constitutional scholar suggest that other than me right now.

It’s like we need a new Constitution that just restates what the other one originally meant in shorter and simpler words. And it will be guarded by a mummy curse, and anyone who tries to interpret new powers for the federal government will be murdered by the mummies of the Founding Fathers. That would be a lot of mummy murder in D.C. right now, but it will settle eventually.

Obama was blaming the Republicans again. At a fundraiser, he compared the country to a car the Republicans drove into a ditch and then he got it out of the ditch and now Republicans want the keys back. That’s kind of odd; I don’t know how many people total a car trying to get it out of a ditch.

Anyway, here’s how I remember things. I’m not sure how we got in the ditch, but I remember Reid and Pelosi were in the front seat grasping at the wheel. And then Obama came along and said, “I’ll get us out of the ditch. It will cost $100,000.”

And we were like, “That’s crazy. That’s way too much.”

And Obama said, “Too bad. You don’t have any choice to pay it! Now I better get to work.” So he started smashing the car with a sledgehammer while yelling, “Get out of the ditch! Get out of the ditch!” He completely totaled the thing, but eventually a piece of the car landed outside of the ditch and he was like, “There. I got it out of the ditch.”

And we said, “All you did was cost us a lot of money and make things worse!”

And Obama was like, “Are you saying I don’t know how to get a car out of ditch because I’m black?”

I don’t like telling people what to do, but I wouldn’t use that auto service again.