If you’re wanting to know where that stimulus money is going, part of it is going to give cocaine to monkeys. So why is our hard earned money going to give cocaine to monkeys when there are so many people unemployed right now who couldn’t even dream of affording cocaine for themselves? Probably because there’s some other stimulus program to give cocaine to Congress. Or they just always take cocaine. Or they’re useless morons who take no thought to wastefully spending our money.

How does one even start a program like that? “I want to give cocaine to monkeys. Give me money so it can be all scientific and junk.” I hope a lot of that money goes to security, because the last think we need in this economy are coked-up monkeys running around the neighborhood who want nothing more than murder and bananas. I swear; the Obama administration won’t rest until we’re a third-world nation.

Jonah Goldberg has a good column on how nostalgia for past conservatism is misplaced. First of all, the ones whining about how conservatism was so much greater way back when tend to be weenies. Conservatives get stuff done; they don’t stand around whining about how everyone isn’t perfect. Plus whining is a liberal instinct; if your instinct is to whine, maybe you’re not the conservative you think you are.

Also, the complaining about current conservatism and talking about how better conservatives were in the past seems like the sort of thing that’s just going to go on forever. Like in the future, they’ll be those talking about how much greater conservatism was back now dealing with the collapse of a liberal administration and having the momentum of the Tea Parties. And if we were able to see those people now, we’d be like, “Are you crazy? Your conservatism is so much better with you because you have lasers and jetpacks!” And future conservatives will probably yearn for the days when conservatism had motivated go-getters like Andrew Breitbart — even though they have Cyborg-Reagan who has a railgun for his left arm. Get some perspective, people!

I think the whole idea to end birthright citizenship is wrongheaded. Basically, I think we’re missing the point of that law. If people are here who are citizens and give birth, that baby is a citizen but the parents aren’t. So what does that mean? That means the government can keep that baby and kick the parents out of the country. And what can the government do with a baby? Raise him to be a super soldier, and we all know that training a super soldier has to start right after birth. So that probably was the whole point of birthright citizenship: To get recruits for our super soldier program. So it’s time we start using that law for its original intention.

Hopefully the parents will be proud to know their children will be trained to fight America’s future threats like robots and Ape Law, but if they don’t understand we can explain it to them by saying something like, “Shut up, foreigner!” We’ll probably have to say it in their foreign language or they won’t understand. Foreigners are wily that way.