I keep getting e-mails from people concerned about a soda tax, and it’s creeping me out. Like, once every couple weeks, I get an e-mail — always a different person — saying something like, “Can you believe these people are talking about making a soda tax!” And there’s a link to some new story mentioning a soda tax. And I thought it was a legitimate concerned reader the first time, but not after the second time. Because no one ever e-mails me about serious issues, and am I to really to believe out of all the issues out there concerning conservatives, I’m going to keep getting e-mails from readers about a soda tax?

Obviously, this is astroturf, and that creeps me out for some reason. More so than a possible soda tax. As I’ve said, it’s always a different person (or claims to be a different person), but I’ve noticed a pattern. The e-mail is always of the form [firstname].[lastname][possible number]@gmail.com. I don’t know how knowing that pattern helps me — or what I’m event trying to do about this that I need help towards — but finding patterns makes me feel like a detective.

Stop astroturfing me, Big Soda! And bring back the real sugar version of Mountain Dew.

So what do you all think about the Ground Zero mosque? Apparently, it’s made by Muslims trying to foster understanding by not understanding why people don’t want a giant mosque next to Ground Zero. And call me racist (except we’re talking about a religion, not a race) but I get suspicious of any large, well-funded Muslim organization because they always have some ties to terrorism or at least some leader who doesn’t think Hamas is that bad, and I’m not tolerant of even a little of that nonsense.

Still, if we were really worried about terrorist Muslims being triumphant about 9/11, you’d think we would have built new and better towers by now.

Man, I never understand this stuff. So I guess like gay marriage was in the Constitution all along and no one noticed it before. That’s a little hard to believe.

LIBERAL JUDGE: “Good job writing that Constitution, and it’s really progressive how you put protections for abortion and gay marriage in there.”

JAMES MADISON: “Thanks, I really… Wait, I did what now?”

Originally, the Constitution was this rock the country was built upon. Everybody had their different beliefs, but the Constitution gave us a set of rules we could all follow and come to agreements through. And if the Constitution was lacking, there was the Amendment procedure (that’s how we got rid of slavery). Now liberal judges have taken any meaning out of the Constitution and turned it to jello; it can’t hold up anything. Instead our country is held together by a patchwork of ever changing rulings. Instead of a set of rules everyone knows, laws get struck down or added based on the whims of a handful of judges who don’t even seem to have a sixth grade understanding of the Constitution.

Eventually, conservatives are going to realize they’re wasting their time getting the public behind them since what the public doesn’t matter anymore when you have judges in the right place who can make up the laws. Instead, we just need to focus on getting our own judges in place and then we can impose whatever we want on everybody. Like, doesn’t it seem that electing such an inexperienced dummy as Obama should be unconstitutional? We can get judges to say that, citing Science! and maybe a passing reference to the Constitution if that’s still in fashion. Eventually, we’ll do away with voting completely and have all battles be between judges. And we’ll design even stronger judges who are cyborgs or giant robots and lay waste to liberals. Think of a 50-foot tall Scalia. The streets will run red with blood of liberals — which sounds like an awful thing but if a judge says it’s okay then it’s okay.