Make sure you read my Pajamas Media column from the weekend. I thought it was a pretty good one… even though everything I do is just vary levels of awesome.
Archive of entries posted on 9th August 2010
Good News for Obama
Sometimes I feel pretty bad for Obama because he always looks so scared and confused as president. Plus, all he ever has is bad news to tell everyone.
“Looks like I somehow misplaced half our country’s GDP, and another ocean is now covered in oil. I don’t know what to do! Somebody help me!”
So I thought I’d come up with some good news he could tell everybody. It’s hard to find good news these days, but I’m very smart. Actually, there’s some good news right there: “Frank J. is still very smart and hasn’t decided to use his vast mental powers to destroy us all.”
GOOD NEWS FOR OBAMA
* “While I’ve been president, very few Americans have been killed by tigers.”
* “Thanks to the work of Homeland Security, we haven’t had one giant asteroid attack.”
* “Thanks to my efforts, very few pedophiles these days can afford a van.”
* “Dilbert is still employed.”
* “I can guarantee the job losses will eventually end since there is no such thing as ‘negative jobs’.”
* “America has continued a steady growth while I’ve been president. In mass.”
* “The iPad’s pretty neat, huh? That came out during MY presidency.”
* “During my presidency, vampires have become 200% less threatening and 500% more sparkly.”
* “It could be worse. We could be… um… attacked by pirates! No, wait; that happened.”
* “Keith Olbermann will no longer ruin your football enjoyment.”
* “Despite New Black Panther threats to the contrary, cracker babies remain safe and sound.”
* “Well, I think we now have a good handle on what not to do.”
* “I still haven’t been attacked by a rabbit. Really crossing my fingers on that one.”
* “Just know that my administration has everything under complete control. Now has anyone seen the nuclear football? No? How about my car keys?”
* “So far, we’ve kept that monster of a man Spencer Ackerman from putting anyone through a plate glass window.”
* “I think we’ve all learned to appreciate jobs more.”
A Conversation with Obama: Jobs
ME: I kinda get the feeling you’re not quite understanding the whole situation in the country is in right now.
OBAMA: Did you see the trip my wife Michelle went on? It looked fun.
ME: That’s what I’m talking about. Everyone is hurting in this economy, unemployment is through the roof, and you’re doing elaborate vacations and taking helicopter to fetch the newspaper from your driveway.
OBAMA: I like riding the helicopter. It makes a neat sound. Thup thup thup thup!
ME: Yeah, that’s the sound a helicopter makes. But you don’t seem to be understanding what people in this country want. Like when, they’re all crying, “Jobs! Jobs! Jobs!” you hear…
OBAMA: Health care!
ME: Exactly. So are you going to do anything about jobs?
OBAMA: I’ll fix that just like I did the oil spill.
ME: You didn’t do anything about the oil spill.
OBAMA: And now it’s fixed. I fixed it. I even saw the oil spill from the air in my helicopter. Thup thup thup thup.
ME: Well, considering your record, doing nothing about jobs is probably better that you trying to do something.
OBAMA: That reminds! I’m going to do something about jobs! I’m going to tax the rich! I don’t like the rich. Grr!
ME: The rich make most of the jobs. How is that going to help with jobs?
OBAMA: I don’t like the rich. They think they have a better helicopter than me but they don’t. Especially not after I tax them.
ME: But aren’t these taxes going to hurt the job situation more?
OBAMA: Once I hit my head coming out of the helicopter. It made me mad so I blew up the helicopter and bought a new one.
ME: Do you even understand what a job is?
OBAMA: Thup thup thup thup!
Random Thoughts
The “Welcome to the Recovery” from Geithner’s editorial keeps making me think of “Welcome to the party, pal!” from Die Hard.
I hope our baby’s first word is “pwned”.
Of course, right after she’s born, I’ll probably call her “n00b” a lot.
Get off Obama. How was he supposed to know those census jobs weren’t permanent?
Who are the political class and why do we suffer them to exist? From the surveys of their views, they scare me more than the communists. They’re like a weaponized form of liberal.
Information wants to be free. Like most criminals.
I think the Japanese’s biggest mistake in WWII was assuming we didn’t know how to explode atoms.
Obama says the GOP will put the economy in reverse. Wouldn’t that be a really good thing at this juncture?
Making me help set up for a baby shower I have to attend is like making me dig my own grave.
SarahK figured out what was wrong with my iPad. That’s like one of the cats debugging it.
Now that we’re done with marriage rights, are we going to work on Bar Mitzvah rights?
IMAO Podcast Reruns (7-25-05)
Episode 9, from 7-25-05 is now available.
A refresher link on then-current events:
Karl Rove accused of outing Valerie Plame as a spy.
* George Bush recruits the IMAO crew for a spy mission
* Introduction & sponsors
* “World of Knowledge” w/ host Frank J: Adam and Eve
* Laurence Simon: The World Zionist Conspiracy [reference link]
* SarahK & Frank: Wedding band engraving
* Spacemonkey’s Secret Agent career
* SarahK & Frank: Wedding cake
* Harvey: Fun Facts about Florida Part 1
* Frank: Why I’m not a spy
* Harvey: Fun Facts about Florida Part 2
* SarahK & Frank: Post-wedding celebration
* Laurence Simon’s Crappy Bedtime Stories: The Billy Goats Gruff
* Harvey: Why I’d be a good spy
* SarahK reviews “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince”
* “Ask Ducky” with Right Wing Duck
* Frank: Conclusion
* SarahK: Why I’d be a good spy
DISCLAIMER: I offer no guarantees as to the quality of the audio or of the material. Listen at your own risk.
Enjoy the show.