Stephen Hawking says the human race must move to space in the next 200 years to survive. Ever wonder if that guy has no idea what he’s talking about but everyone just assumes what he says is sciency because he sounds like a robot?

Still, I’m all for us investing in space to try and find another planet to live on. That’s definitely much more exciting than recycling and wind farms all that other stupid save the planet stuff. I figure we just treat this planet as a test run and then we’ll do a much better job with the next one. If I were president, I’d be like, “So, people, do we want to install a bunch of compact fluorescent light bulbs or do we want to build some giant rockets and find a new planet?” I think I know how people are going to answer who aren’t dweebs.

Once we find the new planet, we’ll name it “No Liberals Allowed.” And when the liberals ask to come, we’ll send them instead to some barren rock in space. And they’ll be like, “Who can we tax here and inflict our stupid ideas on?” But they’ll have no one to pester other than the space rocks (those are rocks that are in space).

Now all I need to do is steal Hawking’s voice synthesizer so everyone thinks I’m sciency and will listen to me.

Looking at all these corruption hearings in DC and Rangel ranting about how important he is really makes me think we don’t treat our Congress people horribly enough. They all seem like crooks and how crooked they are just seems a function of how long they’ve been there. So it’s time we treated them like crooks.

Right now, being in Congress is a pretty sweet job. You get a nice salary and lots of power all for just voting yes and no on stuff — a job you could basically teach a dog to do competently. It’s a job anyone would want if offered, so maybe we need to add some more trade offs to make people more hesitant about it and perhaps stop getting the wrong people in Congress.

First off, every Congressman should be treated like a known member of the Mafia — we know the person is a criminal and we just don’t have the evidence yet though we’ll be working on it. Every Congressmen should have FBI agents assigned to tail him and report on everything he is doing. Everything a Congressman does and says should be recorded and made publicly available as well. As a trade-off to being some idiot spending trillions of our dollars, you have absolutely no expectation of privacy while in office. If you can’t deal, don’t be in Congress. And because these people create the laws, it should apply even more so to them. If they are ever convicted of anything, they automatically should get their sentence doubled.

Right now Congress gets this idea they are better than us when really they’re just idiots who meddle in things while other people actually do all the useful work in this country. It’s time we treated them like lesser people with less rights and more suspicion. Then maybe they’ll know their place.

* If you’re wondering what the future of our country will look like, behold the 50-foot, cyborg Scalia! He’s a strict destructionalist!

* White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs ranted about how annoying liberals are, because apparently even liberals can’t stand liberals. But, Gibbs, know what’s even more annoying than the left’s impotent whining? When they pass laws and stuff and wastefully spend a trillion dollars. You guys should really throw each other through plate glass windows.

* In China, a monkey saved a puppy from a fire. Either the monkey is a hero or it just wanted to go some place less dangerous to the eat the puppy’s face.

* The Taliban are still not classified by the State Department as a terrorist organization. The Taliban are evil and commit terror, so I don’t know what’s up there. They should at least be on our list of organizations we want to make all dead. I hope we aren’t planning to try to negotiate with them and learn to get along, because I really think the best way to get the Taliban to live together with us in peace is to bury them six feet under. We will get along great then. There might even be dancing. Good times.