In February of 2009, Joe Biden said that the stimulus would create 3.5 million job and literally drop kick us out of the recession. Literally.

I think a lot of us feel like the stimulus has dropped kicked us, but it hasn’t really literally done it. And since America has lost 3.3 million jobs since the stimulus, I guess the 3.5 million jobs created weren’t literal either. If Biden is going to misuse rhetoric, though, he might as well go more over the top. Here’s my suggestion:

“This stimulus is going to literally — literally, I say — put us on unicorns who will fly us into space to a magical kingdom made entirely out of crystal ruled by a land octopus who talks.”

Now there’s some rhetoric, and I think Biden could pull it off. Obama is always appearing on TV and making these long speeches no one cares about, so maybe he should give a prime time address to Biden. Like a whole hour of Biden talking. Impromptu. That would be crazy awesome!

Liberal anger is kinda weird. Often they start freaking out and we don’t even get what they’re problem is. Like with this Ground Zero mosque thing, we ask a few legitimate questions and suddenly the left is shrieking about how we’re destroying the First Amendment (just look at the hysterical Peter Beinart). I thought we were using the First Amendment, but the liberals always had this Constitutional interpretation where it means stuff other than what its words say.

Anyway, to help not be caught off guard, Homeland Security has issued this chart to keep track of liberal anger levels:

Expect it to be update multiple times a day as liberals have lots of mood swings because of all their hormones. And once you know their anger level, you can know how to react.

Actually, regardless of their anger level, I find spritzing them in the face with a water bottle works wonders. Never met one liberals whose faux-righteous anger could stand up to a water bottle.

Liberals counter Sarah Palin’s mama grizzlies by having women dress up as Ewoks and demand abortion:

You’d think with the drubbing the left is about to take in November, that would motivate them to act less like weirdos, but it’s possible they don’t even know how to do that. They knew that Palin’s mama grizzlies stuff is popular, so they thought that if they put on bear costumes and whine about the things liberals always whine about, then maybe they would be popular — I don’t really know how their deranged minds work.

So now are they going to go on TV to debate conservatives and just answer every argument with something meaningless like, “Yub yub!”? I guess there’s no reason to change their debate tactics just because they’re dressed like Ewoks.

(hat tip Tammy Bruce)