Apparently, there are some contaminated eggs out there, so if you eat a lot of eggs and feel bad, maybe don’t eat quite so many eggs. And whatever you do, don’t crack a bunch of raw eggs into a glass and then drink it like Rocky did. You could like die from that and then never get to tell Adrian how much you yo her. If you want some egg drink, put hardboiled eggs in a blender with a little milk. Not as impressive for a training montage, but much safer. Also, while this warning is ongoing, if you’re a stand up comedian try to be funnier so people won’t throw eggs at you. Again, this isn’t a problem if they use hardboiled eggs, though those hurt much more. Finally, if you have a problem with chickens living in your walls and coming out at night and laying eggs everywhere, it’s probably finally a good time to call that exterminator and have him spray for chickens.

Keep safe, everyone, and remember: Eggs desire nothing more than to see you die horribly.

John Kerry let it slip that we’re trying to reach a settlement with the Taliban. I thought the agreement we were going to reach with the Taliban, though, was that they’d all be dead. Everyone gets along great with dead Taliban. They never harbor terrorists, don’t oppress anybody, and are nice and quiet. Plus they have lots of uses:

* Scarecrows
* Crash-test dummy
* Paper weights
* Seat-filler for awards shows
* 2nd person for carpool lanes
* Thing to shove into oil well to try and stop a leak
* Doorstop
* Chicago voter

And when you’re done with them, they go six feet underground for convenient storage.

See, everyone loves dead Taliban! With all the uses, I don’t even know why we kept them alive in the first place. Maybe people are afraid that if we kill them all, they’ll come back as zombies. That’s a silly fear; I believe we have more to worry about with vampires in that region.

I think this whole Ground Zero mosque (which isn’t at ground zero and isn’t a mosque except that it is) taught us that some imams still need lessons in cultural sensitivity. They have all of America to build a mosque, yet somehow they pick the one place that it’s going to be a problem. And when everyone is like, “Why don’t you just move it a couple blocks?” the imam starts screaming and crying and throwing a tantrum. And liberals never like being left out of a tantrum, so they come in and start doing self-righteous lectures which is like the adult version of a tantrum. And now we have all these dumb, screaming children on our hands.

Anyway, with tantrums, we have to stand firm and say, “No!” That’s the only way imams and liberals will learn. Maybe we can put them in the corner for a timeout; I guess that would be Maine.