Archive of entries posted on 26th August 2010

Maybe Cleveland has a good idea after all

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You may recall a week or so ago when word came out that Cleveland was putting high-tech trash cans out that would rat out people who don’t recycle.

The trash cans have chips inside that can tell when you take the recycle can to the curb … and when you don’t. And that’s the key. When you don’t … and if it thinks you’ve gone too long without taking out recyclables, it will contact the city and tell them. Then they send a trash cop out to look around in your trash.

I don’t think I like the idea. Because, well, what has Cleveland ever done that was a good idea? No, really. Okay, they signed Jim Brown to play football, but that was 53 years ago. And he quit playing football after nine years. Even a bad-ass like Jim Brown couldn’t stomach Cleveland for too long.

Smart trash cans isn’t along the line as sign-Jim-Brown-to-play-football smart. It’s stupid. The trash cans are smart, but the whole idea is stupid.

Really, do you want your trash can calling and telling on you? I bet even Oscar the Grouch wouldn’t want a tattle-tell trash can.

But, maybe, just maybe, we can use that technology for something good instead of narcing on you about recycling.

For instance, we could put those chips in Obama’s golf clubs. Then, if he goes too long without taking the clubs to a golf course, then me might be in Washington trying to screw up the country some more. It could call someone who would send him a free pass to a golf course. As long as Obama is hitting the links, he’s not hitting the economy in the nuts.

There could be chips placed on Democrat Congressmen. When too many get together at one time, you know they’re planning something bad. So, it would call Fox News or Andrew Breitbart and they’d show up with a camera, scaring the Democrat Congressmen back into their little holes in the ground.

They could put one on Rosie O’Donnell. That way, whenever she showed up somewhere, it could call anyone in the area so they could run away.

One on Al Gore could call the police whenever he got near a masseuse.

One on Barney Frank could call the police whenever he went out in public.

One on Roman Polanski could call all the parents of teenage girls so they could hide their daughters.

One on Ron Paul could call everybody whenever he went somewhere. His supporters would all show up, and the rest of us could go somewhere else, confident that we’d be free of them for a few minutes.

So, maybe we could take the technology Cleveland is using to play trash police and put it to some good use.

Who’s Simple-Minded?

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Apparently Japan has a Democratic Party (which makes sense since the country has been like in a recession for twenty years), and for some reasons he gave some speech in which he called American “simple-minded.” Okay, where do other countries get this idea that they’re smart and America is stupid? If other countries are full of smart people, then how come they suck so much? Isn’t that a definitive measure of how smart you are: Your country’s awesomeness? And America continues to be way more powerful, richer, and influential than any other country out there.

It’s like a squirrel saying, “Americans are so stupid; they can’t even scamper up trees.” But what we can do is capture the squirrel in little cages, put them in homemade PVC pipe bazookas, and fire them through the air showing once and for all who sucks and who is awesome. And since Japan doesn’t really have much of an army, we can pretty much do the same to them.

Why the Republicans Will Do Well in November: Guaranteed Results

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I think a reason Republicans are going to do really well in November is that while when Obama was elected people had a hope of him making things better, people absolutely know for certain that Republicans will make things better.

Look at this way: In 2008, America was feeling really sick and crummy. And then comes along Dr. Obama who said, “I can make you all feel better!” And everyone was really hopeful that was true — despite a few suspicions since Dr. Obama didn’t have any diplomas hanging on the wall. So America hired Obama… who then started to hit us repeatedly in the crotch. And we were all like, “Ow! Stop that! Stop that now!” And Dr. Obama said, “Shut up, stupid! I don’t have to listen to you!” And then Dr. Obama’s Democrat congress assistants held us down so he can punch us even easier.

So now it’s 2010 and people are looking to Dr. GOP. And given Dr. GOP’s record, they’re not very hopeful he’ll actually be able to cure what originally was ailing America. But there is one thing America knows for certain: The GOP will be able to get Obama to stop hitting us repeatedly in the crotch, making us all feel a ton better. And guaranteed results like that is a powerful thing.

Treating Our Congressmen More Like They Deserve

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In my new Pajamas Media column, I describe the problems in our representative government and my solution to better keep Congress in its place. How do you think we can best let Congress know how their rank in society?

Random Thoughts

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If you’ve heard news of me heading over to devastate Mexico, that’s a different Frank.

This defeat of Murkowski is disturbing. Is the GOP really going to become a party that no longer welcomes Republicans that suck?

I have a mind that is as brilliant as it is rubbery.