I’m only 31, and I’m not sure that’s quite old enough to be ranting about kids these days, but I am conservative so it does seem like I might as well get an early start. Anyway…

Have you seen kids these days and their video games? Kids just don’t appreciate what a video game is really about. If they tried playing Donkey Kong, after a few minutes they’d say, “Now how do I get online to pwn some n00bs?” Back in my day, video games weren’t about pwning n00bs and there wasn’t a line to be on. Video games were just about demonstrating your individual skill and getting a high score so you could put your initials in as “ASS”.

And what’s with all the story in video games? Video games these days all need to have cut scenes and voice acting. What for? Back in my day, video games didn’t have stories. Why did Pac-Man need to eat all the dots on the screen? Because it was a video game and that was the objective, that’s why. If I wanted a story, I’d have a read a book. And I never did.

And what’s with all the sandbox games? So many games these days just let you wander around and do nothing in particular, and kids these days think that’s so cool. “Wow; I can just run around town doing whatever I want!” I already have a place I can wander around aimlessly, though: It’s called life. In a video game, I want set objectives and I want to get them done. If I wanted to wander around aimlessly for hours I’d go to Home Depot.

And finally, because of their video games, kids these days don’t value life anymore. They have their home consoles with Grand Theft Auto, and if they die they just wake up at the hospital and get back to things like nothing happened. But back in my day, we knew the value of life: Three lives for a quarter. That’s right: Lives used to cost money. And that made them precious. Kids these days don’t appreciate that.

So Glenn Beck held a rally in DC over the weekend, and… Well, I don’t really know what the point of it was. I guess I’m not a rally person. But man, did liberals freak out about it. That’s a lot of people who showed up because they don’t like the way the liberals are running things. But don’t worry: The liberals’ hive mind came up with a way to try and dismiss the whole thing: It was predominantly white.

Isn’t it just a little creepy that predominantly white journalists are as racially obsessed as the KKK? And what if they applied this race obsession to everything else?

“Today, the predominantly white White House Press Corps asked questions about the president’s predominantly white cabinet. The predominantly white Robert Gibbs assured them that they were working towards the best interests of the predominantly white United States of America, but he had to cut questions short as he was going on vacation with his predominantly white family. Now, stay tuned for the Emmy-winning, predominantly white Modern Family. Predominantly white people love it!”

Anyway, predominantly white liberals can find all the reasons they want to dismiss people’s concerns about this country, but it will be a bunch of predominantly white Democrats who will be getting dismissed in November.