Archive of entries posted on 1st September 2010

Cool Action Sequences

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Here’s an awesome action sequence:

I’ve always wanted to make an action movie. I figure I’ll come up with some cool action sequence ideas and then I’ll just build the movie plot around it. It’s pretty simple; you just have everybody after a MacGuffin or something. Doesn’t matter what.

Anyway, here are some of my action scene ideas:

* Submarine gets attacked by scuba diving Tyrannosaurus Rex.

* Kung fu fight between a man and a grizzly bear with a chainsaw.

* Epic lasergun battle with vampire Hitler.

* Giant robot punches out the moon.

* Old west shootout with sharks with guns.

* Ninjas beat up zombie hippies.

* Main evil villain finished off by being shot with a baboon cannon (that’s a cannon that fires baboons, not a cannon that turns people into baboons — that would be a baboon transfiguration cannon).

I don’t know if I can put all that action in one film as the MPAA might object; probably wouldn’t let me do it unless I put in some message about saving the environment or something. I hate them.

What do you want to see in an action sequence?

Know Thy Enemy: Bedbugs

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There has been a resurgence lately of bedbugs, especially in New York City, so I thought I’d do everyone a favor and get my crack research team to find out all they can on the menace known as bedbugs.

FUN FACT ABOUT BEDBUGS

* Bedbugs live on mammal blood, though they sometimes eat at Arby’s.

* Among the college-age, they’re known as futonbugs.

* Bedbugs sleep all day and then come out at night and drink your blood. Sometimes they don’t even leave marks so you wouldn’t even know the next day. You’re probably covered in bed bug bites and bed bug eggs right now and don’t even know it. Stay away from me! Unclean!

* Despite the name, bedbugs are not true bugs. Nothing is a true bug to scientists, in fact. To them, “bug” is a title you strive for but can never quite achieve.

* If you know your home has bedbugs, whatever you do, don’t tell anyone. People will assume you live in filth and shun you like an Amish man with an iPod.

* Bedbugs had mainly died out in the first half of the last century, but then had a resurgence starting in in the mid-nineties, probably reintroduced by Bill Clinton sleeping around with people.

* In a fight between Aquaman and bedbugs, Aquaman would be pretty safe because he sleeps underwater. And frankly, Aquaman doesn’t care if you’re itchy.

* If you find yourself surrounded by bedbugs, whatever you do, don’t fall asleep. Especially if they’ve teamed up with Freddy Kruger.

* Bedbugs have had the biggest resurgence in New York City. Apparently, the things that repel bedbugs are smoking, transfats, and salt.

* Many people will tell others, “Goodnight; don’t let the bedbugs bite.” But they’re not like vampires; you don’t have to invite them in. They’ll drink your blood even without permission.

* Actually, since they already drink blood, how could you even tell if a bedbug had become a vampire? I’d sleep with some garlic just in case.

* Are you feeling itchy right now? A little itchy somewhere? I bet you’re feeling a little itchy. Bedbugs!

* If you think you have bedbugs, spray with DDT. The EPA may object, but you can just bind and gag the EPA agents and throw them in your crawl space as that’s completely environmentally safe.

* There are dogs trained to sniff out bedbugs and they are very efficient at it, though not as efficient as the dogs trained to find cooked bacon.

* A serious bedbug infestation can cause anxiety, stress, insomnia, and, if the the bedbugs are radioactive, superpowers.

* I bet you’re feeling itchy. Bedbugs!

Victory in Iraq?

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So Obama gave a speech about the Iraq War because it’s like over or something. I don’t know; I didn’t watch the speech since… well, it was a speech.

Anyway, I think we need to give some credit to Obama for not screwing things up in Iraq. He has shown an ability to really screw things up, but, for some reason, he just never decided to screw up the Iraq War and that was awesome of him. Instead, he just continued the policies of Bush who, though he may have been a sucky president at times, was superior to Obama in every conceivable way.

So Obama says he’s now going to focus Afghanistan, but I hope he isn’t really going to focus on it. Like, he’ll leave it to generals and stuff while he fiddles around with other things. That would also be awesome of him. We really need to find something Obama can focus on that none of us care about. Like the environment. I don’t care if his bumbling destroys the environment, as I never really liked it. Especially squirrels which are a part of the environment.

Anyway, since it can’t be said enough, thanks to all those who serve in the military and keep us safe so we can blog stupid stuff.

Random Thoughts

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If Obama is not a Muslim, why does he keep lying about being a Muslim like we know all Muslims do?

Eh on “The Blaze.” Current headline is “Explicit Poetry GPS Phones Help Illegals”. I don’t even know how to parse that sentence. News sites need to scream something on the homepage to get me to click, not confound me.

If I ran a publishing company, my default rejection letter would be, “Your book is stupid and so are you.”

So has anyone tried dressing up as a cowboy pirate before, or can I copyright that?

The opinion is the Sarah Palin robocalls in Alaska had a big effect? I don’t know of any robocall that did anything other than make me mad.

Wait: There was that robocall from the police about break-ins in the area that motivated me to buy a $200 shotgun from Wal-Mart.

Do people like me for me or do they only like me for how incredibly awesome I am?

I was hoping the country wouldn’t be returning to 1930s depression conditions, but the resurgence of bed bugs isn’t encouraging.