Probably should have mentioned I’m on vacation this week. So if you were wondering where I was or was already getting a posse together to avenge my death, hold off for a little bit.

A year in the making! Trillions of your tax dollars poured into its production! Now, at long last, it’s finally here!

K-Don’t Ask Don’t-Tel Records shamelessly presents:

Featuring all new recordings by the original stars!

• Have Yourself A Merry Little Forgive The Expression – Nina Totenberg
• Go Don’t Tell It On The Mountain/Deck The Halls Of Montezuma (aka “Don We Now Our Gay Apparel”) – The United States Military “Do Ask – Do Tell!” Chorus
• The Twelve Days Of Lame Duck – Harry Reid & Nancy Pelosi
• Away With Your Mangers! – The ACLU Chorus with The CAIR Community Choir
• Do You See What We See?/Feelhiz Nobbyrod – The TSA Screeners Orchestra featuring Pat Downes
• A Ban On All The Toys – Monet Parnham & The Santa Clara County Board of Supervisors
• Wikileaks (On Internet Are) – Julian Assange
• I’m Dreaming Of A Tickle Fight Christmas – Eric Massa
• Guam, It Got Tipped Over By Our Soldiers – Hank Johnson
• O Come Back, O Come Back, Rahm Emanuel! – Barack Obama

And so much more… you have to buy it so you can find out what’s in it!

Order now, and receive, as our special gift to you, that Alvin Greene action figure all the kiddies have been begging for!

Also available again for a limited time, last year’s seasonal celebration album!

What are you waiting for??? Order now!

[Cross-posted at America is an Obamanation!]

Being it’s the holidays, it’s once again time to remind people that Kwanzaa is a racist, recently made up holiday that there is no documented evidence of anyone actually celebrating it and you’re a racist to even mention the holiday in a positive manner.

First off, I’ve seen more evidence of bigfoot than of anyone actually celebrating Kwanzaa. I’ve never even heard fourth hand information of someone actually observing the holiday. It’s a myth.

Second, it was just made up in 1966 by some guy who thought blacks should have a separate holiday. We want to encourage that? What moronic racist thinks whites and blacks should have separate holidays? I’m sure you could get the KKK to co-sign that idea.

Finally, considering its a scam holiday some idiotic racist made up, it’s pretty racist to assume black people celebrate it. It’s like some people out there think if you label anything “This is for black people”, they’ll fall for the scam. No. No one’s that dumb except rich white liberals.

In conclusion, the only people who hold Kwanzaa as a positive thing are stupid racists. Don’t be a stupid racist. Especially so near Christmas.

It’s near Christmas, so it seems like a good time to rant about the X-Men.

I like comic books and superheroes, but — other than Josh Whedon’s Astonishing X-Men run which was entertaining — I can’t stand the X-Men. The concept is just too stupid on so many levels and I can’t suspend my disbelief.

One thing, is the constant whining about how discriminated against they are, and you know how much everyone loves it when heroes whine! “People are so mean to us mutants! People say they don’t want their kids in the same school as mutants just because we’ve blown up classroom’s six or seven times!” So while we’re expelling kids for just drawing a picture of a gun, we’re supposed to feel bad that most people don’t want mutants around them who can touch things and cause them to explode. Anyway, the discrimination against them is supposed to parallel homophobia or something (which they’ve made more explicit by having them move to San Francisco), but of course that analogy breaks down pretty quickly. It would be a much different debate if gay people secretly went around in a paramilitary organization blowing stuff up all the time. And know who blows stuff up all the time and whines constantly about being discriminated against? Radical Muslims.

Another thing is how the X-Men being discriminated against makes absolutely no sense in their universe. You can’t swing a dead cat in the Marvel universe without hitting a superhero, and many of them are beloved by the public like the Fantastic Four and Captain America. Still, apparently this conversation happens a lot:

BYSTANDER: “Thanks for saving us!”

SUPERHERO: “Just doing my duty.”

BYSTANDER: “So how did you get your superpowers? Gamma radiation? Super serum? Radioactive spider bite?”

SUPERHERO: “I was born with them.”

BYSTANDER: “AH! FILTHY MUTANT! I DISCRIMINATE AGAINST YOU!”

Finally, are really supposed to buy that the explanation for their powers is evolution? Is that how evolution works now? Animals just one day shoot lasers out their eyes? And explain to me the process where over thousands of years someone would be forced to evolve the ability to phase through solid material or control the weather. If you actually follow the evidence, a much more scientific and logical explanation for the X-Men’s powers is that they’re all possessed by evil demons.

Anyway, sign me up as a supporter for Senator Kelly’s next bill.

Apparently Pelosi is seeking branding advice from Stephen Spielberg. And if you think Spielberg can’t sell awful things, remember that the U.S. gross for Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull was over $317 million. Then again, that did well for nostalgia for the previous successes, which liberals are pretty short on right now. This is more like how does one market M. Night Shyamalan next film so it’s a blockbuster. It’s pretty hard considering that after opening night everyone is going to know how hilariously bad it is. Seems like the logical strategy is to just give up.

Of course, I like MST3K and RiffTrax. If people didn’t make bad movies, what would they make fun of? And if liberals didn’t keep doing stupid things, what would I make fun of?

If you’ve been watching Sarah Palin’s Alaska (and who doesn’t? Her family is adorable!), you may have seen Palin take a swipe at Michelle Obama and her no dessert policy.

It’s on!

So, choose your side. On one, you have Sarah Palin and dessert and on the other Michelle Obama and carrot sticks.

But before you decide, let me tell you that Huckabee is on the side of Michelle and against dessert. Of course, considering pictures I’ve seen of Huckabee from back when he was governor, that’s a position he’s waffled on. And then ate the waffle.

He was fat!

So redistricting is coming up soon, and there will be a decrease of about six representatives (and electoral votes) in blue states because places dominated by Democrats can be objectively judged as awful. Also, Republicans have most of the governors and state legislatures, so they’ll be doing most of the redistricting. So let’s just put that in our pocket.

Still, long term, I’m all for doing something America hasn’t done in a long long time and add more representatives. Lots more. Thousands more. So they represent closer to the number of people they used to when the country was started. Sure it will cost more money to pay all their salaries and stuff (pay cut!), but more people means more gridlock and that always saves us money in the end. It’s better representation plus more inaction!

If there is one thing people have been constantly clamoring about lately is that their net is not neutral enough.

Well, government control urged on by liberals to the rescue!

For a while, liberals have been complaining, “This net! It keeps taking sides!” Oddly enough, someone listened to them, and now the FCC is going to make the net neutral or something using the magic of government control. Which is good because everyone is always like, “Too much stuff is happening on the internet! We need government to slow it down. And make it neutral or something.” Lucky day!

So what’s going to happen? I don’t really know. What’s my opinion on it? I’m not really sure I’m supposed to have one with the new regulations on neutrality. Still, what could go wrong with more government interference on the internet? We all like long lines at the DMV because it gives us time to think, so even better to have long lines at Google or something. So let’s look forward to our more regulated, slower, and neutral future. Everything should be sunshine and gravy from here on!