Tried out that new Rupert Murdorch newspaper for iPad The Daily, but I think the internet ruined me too much to enjoy anything that mimics a regular newspaper. I mean, you turn through a bunches of big page full of text trying to find something that interests you. It’s inefficient. I like a bunch of links with short blurbs so I can quickly scan them and find stories I find interesting. And I don’t like it all separated into sections — like you read all the hard news before you get to the lighter stuff. I’d rather it all be mixed together so I can easier alternate between the type of story I’m reading.

I don’t know; I was just expecting something completely different than the old news format. It seems like it would appeal to people who still like newspapers and news magazines and got an iPad. Also the daily Sudoku and crossword puzzles are nice. Still, the format just doesn’t appeal to my short atten– Ooh! That squirrel outside is fat. I wonder if we also have a squirrel obesity epidemic?

Sarah and Bristol Palin are trademarking their names. This is a smart idea. If Sarah Palin got a nickel every time some liberal screeched about her, she’d be the fifth largest economy in the world.

It’s got me thinking, though: Should I trademark my name? Like, if someone somewhere else on the internet says, “I’m Frank J. I like hippies. And we should be friends with the moon,” would I have any legal recourse? Probably not now, but if my name was trademarked that person would be sent to prison and I would get a million dollars. Also, maybe I should trademark nuking the moon. That way if one day the moon gets nuked, anyone who looks at it will have to pay me cash money. And I could trademark other things as well. Like anytime a dinosaur launches a rocket and it kills a terrorist, I should get money.

In conclusion, people should send me money.

So people in Egypt are trying to depose a dictator. That’s a tricky thing, but there are a few preferred methods for getting rid of pesky dictators.

PREFERRED METHODS OF DEPOSING DICTATORS

* Catapult.

* Fire him out of a cannon.

* Have a large gorilla pick him up and throw him out of the country.

* Use a giant slingshot. Can also try to hit some pigs with him if you want to pretend he’s an angry bird.

* Tie him to a rocket. Launch rocket.

* Catapult a cannon into the air which midair fires out the dictator.

* Catapult a cannon into the air which midair fires out a large gorilla which throws the dictator.

* Slingshot a catapult into the air which midair catapults a cannon which fires out a large gorilla which throws the dictator.

* Greyhound bus.

* Greyhound bus driven by a large gorilla.

Every time I see a gorilla flying through the air I think of freedom.