A new planet has possibly been detected in our solar system, a gas giant four times bigger than Jupiter. It’s just really far out there which is why we never noticed it before.

My first thoughts are like, “Yay! Back to nine planets!” I really hated having only eight planets in our system in our solar system which is a stupid number to have and I didn’t want to teach Buttercup that, but then I got to thinking: Why is something so large hiding so far out in the Oort Cloud? This is a really big planet; it could easily beat up any of the other planets. But what it can’t do is take on all of us together — at least not without some planning. So why is it lurking out there? I don’t think it takes much speculation to go ahead and label it an enemy planet.

So what now? We could launch a nuke at it, but a normal nuke wouldn’t even be noticeable to a gas giant like it. We’d need one of those new Nuke+ missiles that they premiered in an advertisement during the Super Bowl. Remember — the one where it was like, “Now powerful enough to blow up three countries at once. Great for settling Middle East disputes.”

So we need to first strike this new planet… but what if it finds out? How would it find out, you ask? Well, can we really trust Pluto to still be on our side? This is our fault, really. How hard would it be when scientists were coming up with a formal definition of a planet to just add “and Pluto” to the end? Not hard at all. It’s just Pluto merchandise wasn’t selling very well so they decided to cut him off; it was nothing but scientific greed. And now Pluto is bitter and angry and looking for revenge. We used to have nine nice planets, and now we have eight good planets, a giant enemy planet, and a bitter, angry dwarf planet waiting to see us all dead. Bang up job, scientists!

So everyone was waiting on Obama’s new budget, and here it is: $7.2 trillion in new debt over the next ten years. Obama is not even trying anymore. He’s practically admitting the big issues of the day are to much for him and he’s not even go to attempt to do anything about them. Is he going to resign and find a job more at his level like news anchor? I don’t know, but it seems probable.

Anyway, I guess it’s up to me to save America once again and come up with how to cut the budget. First off, we need to across the board cuts — like everything needs to be cut 10%, doesn’t matter what it is. Nothing is off the table. Of course, people are going to whine and scream about these cuts and the Democrats are going to try and turn that into political capital rather than help save the country, so here’s where my genius comes in: We find someone to blame the cuts on.

Basically, the president (whoever that is after Obama resigns and Biden gets stuck in well), will say, “I really don’t want to have to cut Social Security and Medicare, but these budget demands came straight from corporate– Know what? Screw that! I’m marching right to corporate and demanding they don’t cut these programs!” Then a day later the president will come back and say, “I’m sorry, but those bastards in corporate just won’t budge. I tried to explain to them how much these cuts will hurt the average American, but they didn’t care. It’s all about the bottom line to them. Just know I fought hard for you, though.” Then the president will look up and shake his fist and scream, “Corporate!”

Now, all we need to do is make sure know one asks too many questions on who this corporate is and where they are, so let’s make sure only professional journalists get to ask questions. And then finally we get those needed harsh cuts and it’s none of our faults; it’s those heartless bastards in corporate. It’s like they have no idea what things are like for the average American; I hate those guys.