A new planet has possibly been detected in our solar system, a gas giant four times bigger than Jupiter. It’s just really far out there which is why we never noticed it before.
My first thoughts are like, “Yay! Back to nine planets!” I really hated having only eight planets in our system in our solar system which is a stupid number to have and I didn’t want to teach Buttercup that, but then I got to thinking: Why is something so large hiding so far out in the Oort Cloud? This is a really big planet; it could easily beat up any of the other planets. But what it can’t do is take on all of us together — at least not without some planning. So why is it lurking out there? I don’t think it takes much speculation to go ahead and label it an enemy planet.
So what now? We could launch a nuke at it, but a normal nuke wouldn’t even be noticeable to a gas giant like it. We’d need one of those new Nuke+ missiles that they premiered in an advertisement during the Super Bowl. Remember — the one where it was like, “Now powerful enough to blow up three countries at once. Great for settling Middle East disputes.”
So we need to first strike this new planet… but what if it finds out? How would it find out, you ask? Well, can we really trust Pluto to still be on our side? This is our fault, really. How hard would it be when scientists were coming up with a formal definition of a planet to just add “and Pluto” to the end? Not hard at all. It’s just Pluto merchandise wasn’t selling very well so they decided to cut him off; it was nothing but scientific greed. And now Pluto is bitter and angry and looking for revenge. We used to have nine nice planets, and now we have eight good planets, a giant enemy planet, and a bitter, angry dwarf planet waiting to see us all dead. Bang up job, scientists!
The Scentific! fools have fooled us again! Like America before Pearl Harbor, we have been heading blind into a disaster. How can we WTF when a giant lurks? A giant that big could very well have four Nazi Germanys and seventeen Ron Pauls!
And to add despair to this disaster, the Scientists! named it “Tyche”! What kind of hippy, post-modern name is that?
Unlike the Scientists!, I, MarkoMancuso, will offer a solution to this problem: Modernize the Iowa class battleships. Prepare one or two of them for space warfare. Hire Richard Dean Anderson to captain the ship(s). Blow up Tyche.
Problem solved.
Ridicule is a good method for demonstrating that we are not afaid of it.
Rather than naming it after a Roman god like our ally planets we should just refer to the gas giant enemy as “Farty McFartplanet”.
The planet of my enemy is my friend?
Finally, a planet big enough for that one’s ego.
It not lurking, its shy.
Its the new, new red menace.
Oort cloud? Sounds like something from Frank after those chimichangas
That planet? Pluto’s big brother. And it’s pissed!
“What’s that, Farty McFartplanet? You don’t like the way we treated your little brother… whatsisname… Goofy? Well blow it out yer kiester, Farty.”
A gas giant in the oort cloud? So THAT’S where Ted Kennedy went to after death. Condemned to show his true self whilst circling Uranus.
Pluto is still the ninth planet, Science! be cursed.
there is a Barney frank and Obama jike in all this, but decorum prevents me from stating such.
Sweet! Ever since we dropped Pluto, my mnemonic device for remembering the planets didn’t work anymore: My Very Easy Mother Just Sniffed Under Nitza’s Pits. But now, we’ve got that magical ninth planet again! However, with the new planet starting with a ‘T’ instead of a ‘P’, I can’t just substitute and teach the mnemonic device to my kids.
” Bang up job, scientists!”
Aren’t you a scientist Frank?
Yep, if it’s hiding that far out, Tyche MUST be an enemy planet with Lord knows what evil intent to destroy us and humiliate us. And Marko is dead on on this, why such a mambypambyland name like Tyche, which is way too close to quiche for my taste? I’ll tell you why, to lull us into a false sense of security, that’s why. It probably hates us and it’s real name is EARTKILLER, or DEATHTOALLHUMANS or PUPPYSTOMPER or some other name more indicative of it’s true, foul intentions. It probably likes to deflect comets and asteroids our way just to kill the boredom of being so far away.
We’re gonna need a lot of dinasaurs and giant robots with lasers and rockets to get out of this mess. In fact, I say we need to build a huge cannon, I mean a HUGE cannon. Sixteen inchers ain’t gonna cut it. We need a 633,600,000 inch cannon to deal with this menace.
It’s really Nemesis
Adobe,
Frank is an engineer. In dork terms, he is close to scientists, but he is not as annoying or useless.
It’s not a planet; it’s an entire Romulan fleet, using cloaking devices. Luckily, Kirk and Spock will travel through time to save us. Using Pseudoscience!
That cuts it. Not another penny for Science! until they can explain whyizzut that they can tell that there are “planets” orbiting stars that are literally 6 quadrillion million miles away simply by “detecting” an eensie weensie little wobble. Comparatively speaking, our sun (called Sol by Science!) is the distance to the refrigerator, but they can’t detect said wobble? I mean, if planet X is really that big, our sun (Sol) should be wobbling all over the place. In fact, if it is as Science! says, ancient man would have named our sun “The Great Wobbelator,” instead of the Sun.
I had pork and onions earlier today. Now I’m living in my own Oort cloud.
We clearly need to start testing the G3 Nukes. They’re a whole “G” better!
Just read on Space.com that a Harvard astronomer named Matthew Hollman along with a bunch of other astronomers don’t believe this planet exists (kinda like liberal spending discipline). I think that this is ripe for a cage match smackdown between astronomers.
We should fear neither giant planets nor dwarf planets. Elf planets are more dangerous.
We should deal with Pluto first before it betrays us to the big gasbag lurking in the Oortness.
I say we send it a big birthday card hanging on the outside of a rocket inviting it to an honorary Pluto party.
It’ll see it coming and say, “Yay! I knew Earth loved me after all.” And then, Kablinga!
“Analysis, Mr. Spock.”
“Annihilation, Jim. Total, complete, absolute annihilation.”
Oort cloud? Isn’t that something on Dr. Who?
So typical, here’s this big planet just doing what it’s supposed to do, never causing problems, and what does it get? Ignored. Why is it always the planets that disrupt the class and cause all type of drama that then get all the attention, or immediately get praised the few times they simply do what they’re supposed to be doing all the time anyway. I’m tellin’ you, the universe is just not fair. And, who’s fault is it? That’s right, Booosh.
“Lord, take me to the Oort Cloud,
I’m just lookin’ for some Tyche”
Nobody has yet mentioned “The Fifth Element?!” “Zorg”, “can’t you see I’m busy?!” “phone call from a Mr. Shadow.”
“That’s no planet. It’s a Death Star!”
The Lizard People from Planet X are using the Gas Planet as cover while they plot their takeover of the U.S Senate.
MarkoMancuso,
I recall Frank claiming to be a scientist. In fact I recall him saying that we should preface his quotes with the phrase “scientists say”. Now I can understand him not crowing about being an engineer, having had to literally turn engineer’s on paper ravings into concrete reality so, I never wanted to repeat what they said. Claiming to be a scientist when your not is wrong, in fact it’s the number one cause of Global Warming.
OFF TOPIC!
from Ace…
So When Did Hobo-Killing Become a Meme Here at AoSHQ?
Well a long time ago in the halcyon days of yore i.e. 2003. Instapundit finally linked to the Hobo Killer date story and even linked back to the original post that sparked the whole meme. But of course IMAO was just attributing Ace’s shtick to Glenn Reynolds.
“You’re right; I can’t worship Satan… until I first murder a hobo in his evil name!” Glenn Reynolds then laughed even more evilly.
“But hobos are people, too!”
“As far as I’m concerned, the only reason hobos exist is for a murder’n,” he shot back angrily, “Now get out of my way; those hobos aren’t going to murder themselves!”
http://www.imao.us/archives/000588.html
Heh heh.
Mongo! Yes, Mongo would have been a much better name than Tyche. Mongo, the home of the Hawkmen, Gillmen, Lionmen and the Arborean Hunters. Also the home of one of the universe’s most beloved evil dictators…Ming the Merciless. Feared by all, merciful to none, very much like the current leaders of Iran or North korea, he ruled a brutal police state with an iron fist. Anyway…I think Mongo would be a much better name than Tyche. I just can’t imagine a guy like Ming living on a planet named Tyche.
There is always Uranus, Frank! He has your back!
The Universe and Mother Earth are out to get us. Comets, Asteroids, Tornados, Hurricanes, Earthquakes, Flood are just of few of their diabolical tools. Where HAVE you been, Frank?
Tyche. Does that mean the inhabitants of Tyche are Tycheans? Tychos? Probably Psychos, after all, they are way, way out there in the dark where even Pluto laughs at ’em. “At least I got to be a planet before they downgraded me, you’re HUGE and they don’t even know you’re there. How does that float your boat, Mr. I’m Four Times Bigger Than Jupiter?”
So it figures that after millions of years of snarky comments and bullying by Pluto and that wise crackin’ cut up of a planet, Uranus, the Tychans are pretty PO’d and out to kick some Earth butt, me thinks.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/edf-andromeda/2543409965/#/photos/edf-andromeda/2543409965/lightbox/
MarkoMancuso, this is a link to a space battleship Yamato. I don’t believe she is flying for the Japanese, so that makes Tyche the next most likely candidate. It might already be too late since we don’t all ready have space battleship Iowas.
#32 – Mr. M,
I loved Star Blazers back in the 70’s! Your link inspired me to do a search and found out that the Japanese have done a live action version in 2010. (Can’t wait for the English-dubbed version to come out on DVD.) Let the Japanese deal with Tyche – if their space battleships can’t deal with it, they can send in their army of giant robots, and if the giant robots aren’t up to the job, there’s always Godzilla! What have we got? Paul Bunyan and Babe the blue ox? Will Smith?