The Navy SEALs who took out Osama bin Laden may have used night vision contact lenses powered by blinking. This is the sort of scifi technology I want to hear about our military using.

You ever play the game Civilization? I always like when you’ve been advancing your nation and then run into some isolated civilization that wasn’t able to advance and then you attack them and it’s tanks and F-15s against chariots. That should be every American conflict. Our technology should be so advanced, that beating us should be unthinkable.

That’s why we need space laser. I want every enemy of America to be scared of ever having a clear view of the sky because that is all we need to laser someone. And we need robot warriors whose metal exteriors are immune to surplus Russian armaments. Robots on the ground, lasers in the sky — that’s what you expect if you anger America. That, and a T-Rex launching rockets while charging you. So, you might think the Taliban is great, but you have to ask yourself: Is it get roasted by space lasers and eaten by dinosaurs great?

“Government should not tell you what to do unless there’s a compelling public purpose,” Mayor Bloomberg said, as he’s too short for irony to find him. And he said this in support of gay marriage, in which you’re asking the government to do something so it doesn’t even really make sense. Obviously, the lead nanny-state proponent is probably one of the worst authorities on when to apply the government, but it’s a question worth asking that I don’t think enough people have contemplated an answer to.

To make things easier, I have come up with my own method for determining when to use the government. First, when contemplating whether to use the government, one must ask himself these three questions about the problem he’s trying to solve:

Will lots of people die?

And they will die not because of their own decisions?

Have you exhausted all non-government options?

If the answer is “No” to any of these questions, then we don’t even contemplate using the government. If the answer is “Yes” to all three, then we think about using the government. First, we have to check if it’s Constitutional and in the budget. And if I were president, I still probably wouldn’t use the government because I’m lazy and don’t want to have to write up a bill, plus I’m all like, “Come on, dudes; solve your own problems. I’m playing Zelda.” Man, we need more lazy presidents.

So how do you determine when it’s appropriate to use the government to solve a problem? Best answer wins… HIGH PRAISE!