* FOX News’s Twitter feed was hacked so that they reported that Obama was assassinated early yesterday morning. And there have already been a number of false death scares of famous people started on Twitter. So don’t believe everything you read on Twitter; the information on it is not carefully vetted like everything else on the internet.
And always believe everything you read on IMAO. I even provide links in these stories to prove they’re real. Don’t click on the links, though, because that just shows you don’t trust me and it makes me mad.
* Hugo Chavez has announced to his supporters that he’ll beat cancer, though cancer has also announced it’s not going to let this PR coup get away from it.
Chavez is being treated in Cuba where, thanks to socialized medicine, doctors have access to the internet to look up on Wikipedia what is cancer.
* There’s talk of Obama replacing Joe Biden as his running mate in 2012. I don’t buy it; it would just smell too much of desperation.
“First black president! Pretty exciting, huh? Oh, you don’t consider that exciting anymore. Well… uh… how about a new VP! Exciting!”
Biden was a pretty stupid choice, though. I guess since he had been in the Senate so long, they assumed he would know something useful, but that’s what you call really bad logic. As I’ve said numerous times, it’s just so easy to coast in the Senate. Your party will tell you how to vote based on what they want and your electability, and — considering what state you’re from — you can just coast like that for decades.
But, anyway, if they replaced Biden, he’d be all like, “That’s okay; I didn’t want to be VP anymore,” but everyone would see his sad face and get mad at Obama like he kicked a puppy. Plus, if the Democrats really want to show they’ve woken up and take America’s concerns seriously, they should replace the guy at the front of the ticket.
* So anyone know what we’re accomplishing in Libya yet? They keep talking about how we need to depose Qdaffy, so why don’t we just go in and do it? I mean, it’s a dinky little country, we should be able to just march in and seize Qdaffy and then fire him out of a cannon into the sea. Then we’ll be like, “There. We deposed him.” And everyone will be like, “You just fired him out of a cannon!” And we’ll be like, “That’s what ‘depose’ means. It’s Greek for ‘to fire out of a cannon’.” And they’ll be like, “Greeks didn’t have cannons!” And we’ll be like, “SHUT UP OR WE’RE DEPOSING YOU NEXT!”
* A California official has called for Riverside and twelve other counties to secede from California. As I’ve said before, if they’re careful splitting California into three, they could get up to two working states out of the deal. Really, secession is the only smart thing to do for most Californians… that or sink certain parts of California into the sea. You’ll probably want to start with where all the politicians are — the state capital… oh wait, that’s inland. It will be hard to sink into the sea. Maybe orchestrate some mudslide that will cover the whole thing? Eh, I guess just go with secession; it sounds easier. Make sure to build large fences around old California, though.
* Transformers: Dark of the Moon has already taken in nearly $400 million worldwide. I mean its just a bunch of giant, incomprehensible, CGI robots smashing each other, but people are flocking to it. I mean, you’d think the last one — Transformers: Long, Giant Headache — would have convinced everyone to have nothing to do with Transformers ever again, but I guess the siren’s call of giant, incomprehensible, CGI robots smashing each other is just too much to resist. I don’t know why people would expect to understand or be entertained by that, but perhaps they are more hopeful souls than I. We’re really nearing the point, though, that we could have computers randomly generate blockbusters. They already do all the special effects, and with all the standard cliches, can you really tell me that a computer couldn’t have written the script for Avatar?
* In other movie news, the new Captain America movie will simply be titled The First Avenger in Russia, Ukraine, and South Korea, leaving “America” out of the title. In America it will be called Captain America: The First Avenger, and in all other countries it will be called Captain America: Captain of the Country That’s Way Better Than Your’s, Losers.
* I’ve decided to try out “Nuke the News” as the title for this feature, based on Banta_Fodder’s suggestion. Thus, I will preliminarily give him HIGH PRAISE.
It’s your wit an intelligence that keeps IMAO going, Bantha_Fodder.
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