* So suddenly out of nowhere, we have this Gang of Six plan. When it looks like something might get accomplished, we always get a nice compromise plan to move deck chairs around and look busy while pretty much keeping the status quo. Obama sounds like he’s grudgingly for the plan, so you can rest assured it accomplishes nothing.
Cut, Cap, and Balance passed the House, though it’s not expected to pass the Senate. It’s an all spending cuts plan, though not nearly enough to get our budget back on track, but also goes way too far for Democrats to accept it.
This system just ain’t working, people; we have to change it. Might need a new Constitution with a lot more laws about Congress. Like more mentions of prison. If you mess up the economy this bad, prison. “Hey, all of you in Congress, time’s up — you’re going to prison. And you don’t get out until the $14 trillion in debt is paid off; we did confiscate all of your wealth to help pay it down, but that didn’t quite cover it. Now make room for the new guys coming in to replace you. Oh, and new guys, make sure the first item on your budget is MORE PRISONS FOR POLITICIANS.”
* If you wonder why Obama hasn’t had any plan, that’s because, as Jay Carney explained, “Leadership is not proposing a plan.” So when Obama is lying on the couch eating Cheetos and watching QVC, that’s called “leading”. And if we throw Obama out of office in 2012, he’ll be able to lead all day long.
* So like half our budget now is Social Security, Medicaid, and Medicare — things that didn’t used to be the government’s business at all are now most of what it does. The main function of the federal government is going to be to hand out checks in the form of entitlements — checks it can’t afford. Can’t we find a way to ease out of this? I know a lot of people are now dependent on the government and will revolt if they’re cut, but can’t we go ahead and announce to a certain age group that you’re not going to receive any of these benefits, so be prepared? Just make sure it’s an age group that won’t get all worked up about it. “As your president, I have some bad news to deliver to our nation’s five-year-olds: You will not receive any Social Security and can’t expect Medicare to be there for you.” There’s going to be a lot of anger in our nation’s kindergartens, but think of how much smaller government will be sixty years from now.
* So Rupert Murdoch was hit with a pie, but then his 43-year-old wife jumped in with a flying kick that EXPLODED THE GUY’S HEAD!
Many liberals think Rupert Murdoch deserved a pie to the face because they don’t like him and they don’t know how to hate in degrees, because their minds are like those of children. If they decide you are on the other side, that means you must stand for absolutely everything they hate. And that means you deserve anything bad that happens. But remember any liberals who seem to approve of the pie throwing, because that means they’re fair game for a pie. And while we’re at it, we can throw shoes at their heads.
* Apparently Michelle Bachmann suffers CRIPPLING MIGRAINES. Numerous times a day, she’ll be talking normally and then suddenly start screaming and gripping her head. Sometimes the heads of other people around her are exploded. In fact, she spends 75% of the day curled up in a ball sobbing… so way less time than Barack Obama.
* The police conducted a nationwide raid, arresting sixteen members of the “Anonymous” hacking group. But they don’t have any pictures yet! I want to see what the hackers look like! Which Pokemon do they have on their t-shirts? What’s their combined weight total? How many of them still live with their parents? Anytime we arrest a bunch of anonymous hackers, it should be a national day of mockery.
* EA Sports is expanding in Austin, creating 300 more jobs there, and Governor Rick Perry spoke at the announcement, promoting video games. I keep hearing about Perry entering the presidential race, and it sure would be nice to have a president who is pro-video games. Me, if I were president, I would probably do nothing but play video games. Everyone would say, “Mr. President! We’re all scared about the economy and want you to make a bunch of new social programs and spend a lot of money!” And I’d be like, “Nope. Too busy playing video games.” I’d be like Coolidge… but with a lot more three stars on Angry Birds levels.
* Wisdom of the Day: “After the Son of Sam murders, NY TV ran a whole series of ‘Don’t Do Things Your Dog Tells You To Do’ ads.” –Michael Kupperman
* Allen West wrote an e-mail calling Debbie Wasserman-Schultz “vile, unprofessional, and despicable”. I don’t think anyone will dispute that. He also wrote that she is not a lady. That’s easy to see, too. If someone told me, “I have Wasserman-Schultz”, my first thought would not be, “That means you have… a lady.” Instead I would think you were referring to industrial equipment that assembles car doors or a maybe a genetic skin disease. What does a “Wasserman-Schultz” sound like to you? Best answer wins… wait for it… HIGH PRAISE!