* Obama stormed out of debt negotiations. Apparently, in a dispute with Republicans, he pounded his fists, kicked his feet in the air, and screamed, “I want tax increases! I don’t want to cut spending! I’m the president; I get what I want!” And then he ran away crying.
It’s seems pretty unlikely that Republicans are going to get any useful deal from Obama, so I think they should just go for broke. Make a deal for $10 trillion with no tax increases — in fact have it with tax cuts that required even more spending cuts to compensate. It will have one new source of revenue, though: Obama will have to spend most of his day in a dunk tank. $20 dollars a ball. Estimated earnings: One trillion dollars.
* Moody’s is now considering downgrading the U.S.’s credit rating. That’s probably the best thing that could happen to America. Maybe if our credit gets low enough, no one will lend us money anymore. Then we’ll finally have to buckle down balance our budget. Though, more likely, we’ll just declare bankruptcy. Oh, selling off our assets is going to be painful; I always liked Hawaii.
* Sarah Palin says she’ll have a decision on whether to run for president by late summer. That’s boring and expected. I hope she has some other unexpected announcement entirely. “I am here today to announce that Alaska is splitting off to become it’s own country called Freedonia — and there’s nothing you can do about it because it’s way up there!” Obama will get all mad and be like, “I will do something about it! I’ll show you!” But then he’ll look at a map and be like, “Wow; it is out of the way. I don’t want to go all the way over there to get Alaska back. Maybe if I’m in Canada one day, I’ll wander over and yell at them. I sure like Canada.”
* The US’s favorable rating in the Arab world is now even lower than during the Bush era. This is not supposed to be. We were told that if we elected Obama, everyone would be like, “Hey, their president’s name is a lot like Osama — and we love Osama! Maybe America isn’t so bad.” And look how Obama is destroying America; people in the Middle East love the destruction of America. I guess unless you’re a slavish follower of Obama, he just become off-putting after a while. He’s “kind of a duck” as one TV commentator put it.
Still, hard to get worried over us being unpopular in the Arab world. It’s if we’re suddenly really popular there, then we should get worried. “Hmm… we have 90% popularity in the Arab world… OH NO! DID WE ACCIDENTALLY DO A HOLOCAUST?!!!”
* US women have beat France at soccer 3-1. I don’t know if our women beat their men or what — I don’t really understand soccer. But we won; so yay. Blow into your vuvuzela — though I guess you do that no matter what.
In the World Cup Final, we’ll be facing Japan. Japan could really use a pick me up after all that’s happened to them, so I hope we crush them. Other countries need to learn not to get their self-worth from soccer. Just don’t.
* The Journal of the American Medical Association has suggested taking fat kids away from their parents. If we go through with this plan, we’ll have a foster system full of fat kids, all waddling around parent-less with Michelle Obama pointing and laughing at them and forcing them to eat peas. I’m not saying that’s bad; I’m just pointing out what it entails.
* An atheist in Austria won the right to get his picture taken with a pasta strainer on his head as religious headgear to make a point about… how headgear… um… I don’t know. I thought the whole point of atheism is that their being all logical and reasonable, yet the ones we see in the news always seem to be operating under the compulsion of unexamined mental tics. “I’ll work at it for years so I can get my picture taken with a pasta strainer on my head; that’ll show these religious nutjobs who’s irrational!”
* Wisdom of the Day: “It just wouldn’t be right to have the United States collapse without Glenn Beck on the air.” –Dave Weigel
“Obama stormed out of debt negotiations”
“Negotiations”? Should we really be buying into calling them “negotiations?”
Obama: We are going to have tax increases because I want them!
Canter: Tax increases will destroy the economy.
Obama: We are going to have tax increases because I want them!
Canter: We don’t need more taxes, we need to spend less.
Obama: We are going to have tax increases because I want them!
Canter: We need more people employed to increase tax revenue and tax increases will have the opposite effect.
Obama: We are going to have tax increases because I want them!
Canter: There are redundancies and outdated and unconstitutional programs that can be cut to reduce spending.
Obama: We are going to have tax increases because I want them!
Canter: Look, we’ll even increase the debt limit even though over 70-percent of Americans don’t want us to.
Obama: We are going to have tax increases because I want them!
Canter: The American people elected us based on our promise not to increase taxes, so we can’t.
Obama: We are going to have tax increases because I want them!
Canter: Let’s discuss some useless programs we can all agree on cutting.
Obama: DON’T CALL MY BLUFF!! Waah, waah, waah, waah, Michelle, they’re not doing what I tell them to!!
That’s not “negotiations.”
I think the Republicans should walk out after that laughing and pointing at Obama as he runs out crying with a big wet spot running down his leg. That would send a message that would get any Republican re-elected
Huh? I guess Muslims don’t like being bombed and killed by a guy name Obama and more they by a guy named Bush. Who’da thunk it?
This is one of the most thorough nukings of the news I have ever read. I usually like it rare but this was very well done and tasty. You deserve a buck.
Obama won’t mind about losing Freedonia. There would still be fifty-six other states left to sell off to raise revenue. Starting with Hawaii seems fair, since they claim responsibility for making Obama eligible to be President.
The Austrian noodle-head is perfect. Atheists really do make a religion out of ridiculing religious beliefs, so recognizing the Pastafarians as a religion makes sense. (Ann Coulter got a whole book – Godless – out of the liberalism-is-a-religion theory.)
Frank, there are some ALL CAPS in your post. Did you get moderated?
If we sell Hawaii does that mean Obama wasn’t born in the U.S. and can’t be president?
Fredonia was in Nacogdoches TX in 1825, in an attempt to split from Mexico. There have been about 9 flags flown over Nacogdoches.
tomg51 Frank would only be interested in Freedonia if it was based in Nachodoseswithcheezes.
Frank and Sarah should take special note of how Cantor handles Obama. Buttercup will hit the Terrible Twos sometime soon.
There is a joke somewhere in there about women’s soccer and vuvuzelas, but decorum prevents me.
Bush…two middle east wars. Obama is up to five or six, it’s so hard to keep track. That might have something to do with Teh One’s falling popularity.
I think the catch with having our credit rating downgraded is that we will have to pay more interest on our bonds to attract lenders. Since our debt is so very huge, even a slight increase in interest paid out would have big repercussions.
The pasta strainer photo wasn’t even approved on grounds of recognizing his religion – just that it didn’t obstruct his face in any way.
I wonder if he wears it all the time, or if his religion only requires the wearing of pasta strainers for official ID photos.
I only wear my strainer when star gazing. Actually, it’s an aluminum colander with the little legs that point up. I never know if UFO’s are up there monitoring me. I used to use tinfoil, but that got expensive and wasteful. It also doubles as a bird protector since I have a lotta birds and they swoop and poop a lot. Also, if the raccoons see me wearing one, they get scared and run. Don’t know what the neighbors think.
Nah, I’m just kiddin’. I only wear it when on my cell outside.
@Jimmy: A colander – with HOLES in it – isn’t really effective protection against bird poop. You have to use the soup tureen for that. Take time to think these things through, man.
Well, yeah, it ain’t perfect as a bird shield, but see, Crabby, I’m fast. When I detect that the bird turd is coming in vertically near the apex of my strainer, I jerk my head to the side real fast so it glances at an angle. The only minor problem is that some of the white goo oozes inside the holes and down the inside of the strainer contaminating my hair. It’s not a perfect system, I realize, but hey, it works much of the time. I tried using a large round, stainless bowl as an inside liner, but found the combination too heavy and prone to falling off my size 9 head. Now, I take my chances with less than 100% bird protection knowing that I’m also fully protected from mind probing. It’s minimal protection. Minimal protection.
@Jimmy – sure, the colander will protect you from UFO monitoring, absolutely. But it does nothing to protect you from our own federal government. If you want to avoid government surveillance you need to wear a turban.
@Old Bat: Aren’t tureens made of ceramic and porcelain? That wouldn’t do at all. How about a chafing dish?
We dedicated our space program to Muslims, and they don’t like us? Say it ain’t so, please!
Frank J., your incrementalism worries me. Cheering on soccer will only encourage others to do so with the inevitable result that the easily swayed will be swayed to take up soccer. I denounce your love of all things soccer.
Can we take all of the fat (headed) politicians away from America?
Jimmy – Your little “strainer” ain’t gonna do you any good when the smotin’ starts! And I think the smotin’ is gonna start any day now! God is my friend and I think he’s gettin’ irritated at all the breaking of the 10 commandments and such!
More woman’s soccer? Really? I’m turning into a chick just opening IMAO lately. I think my breasts have grown at least an inch, my wiener is shrinking and I’m just soooooo emotional that I can’t think straight…DAMMIT!!!!
DamnCat, I don’t see how wearing a turbine will protect me from the feral goverment.
Who said it was “little,” ussjimmycarter? I eat really big salads made from garden vegies. I gotta wash the cat crap and pee off ’em because some neighborhood cat just won’t stay outta there!
Oh, also, I’m ready for some big time smotin’. You know, the fire and brimstone kind.
I guess the Muslims are upset that we ended the space program before they got a chance to blow up a shuttle.
(the crazy in me wants to say “blow up another shuttle”)
Jimmy, if you have a punk cat problem the solution is to get a bigger meaner cat and leave him in the garden as a little surprise for the prick cat that keeps “watering” your garden! Make sure he’s a good fighter too! Siamese males are always good as long as they are big. Not the skinny ones they are breeding today. Or a monster dominant male tabby that weighs in at a nice round 30 lbs. will usually do the job. Keep the claws well sharpened and his belly full…fighting weight and all…
I offered Winston my 35 lb Ragdoll a chance, but he’s been reading your posts about me and I think he would attack you instead of the other cat!
Burma, I am forced to agree. Does anyone else remember the voting system on the old IMAO? When you gave a post 1 star, you would receive as a reward insults. One of which I distinctly remember: “Your father is secretly gay!”
Frank J., your father is secretly European!!
ussjc, the solution to any cat is a .22. You don’t have to feed a .22.
A .22? You must Twitter Marko! Only chicks, teh gheys and chicks carry .22’s. That’s as scary as Frank’s phew, phew, phew sound…
I do like the idea of crushing the Japanese. I haven’t gotten over “the big one” yet and even though they are the only nation to be nuked (twice) they still have some payback coming their way. I hope our women beat them so bad that their faces fall off…you know “lose face” and all!!! Imagine some punk country the size of California deciding to take on the USA in war. WTF indeed! Of course with Barry in charge…
I assume ussjc is one of those guys who dreams of hunting groundhogs with a .50 caliber machine guns.
To each his own. I believe in one shot, one kill. Especially when that shot is cheap.
$20 a ball, eh? How much you wanna bet nobody aims for the red & white target.
@DamnCat: Well, a turban is really for Sikhs and I can’t remember the last time they went on a murderous rampage, making the government bend over backwards to avoid profiling them. If Jimmy really wants to be invisible to our government – or bowed to by our President – he needs a keffiyeh (and a hijab for Mrs. Jimmy). Ranting incoherently about how the JOOOOOOS encourage cats to pee in his garden couldn’t hurt. The strainer would fit nicely under the keffiyeh – I’m pretty sure that’s how Arafat kept his from sagging.
The Journal of the American Medical Association has suggested taking fat kids away from their parents
Which one, their “mother” or their
“father”welfare check? If daddy government told them their lard stamps wont work tobuy anything but peas and broccoli, they wouldn’t be as fat as their “mother”.
Tried to convience the DMV my Yankees Ball cap was for religious purposes. They slapped me and said that only Texas teams were recognized as religious symbols here in lone star land. I blam my dad who raised me as a Evil Empire fan.
Speaking of smoting, lately I’ve been thinking. I’ll be really disappointed if nothin’ happens. You know what I mean? People have been predicting the end of the world for centuries and it just doesn’t seem to happen! That has me concerned this time, too. I mean, what’s up with that?! What the hell is wrong with the prophets?
Is it possible we’ve just been abandoned? Like no smoting for us… just left here to wallow in chaos gradually turning into old people eating dog food with Obamacare waiting for their death panel to pull the plug?
Oh. There’s no Mrs. Jimmy, Crabby. She was captured by aliens years ago.
There are many of us Alaskans who agree with your synopsis with the exception of the name Fredonia, we are quite happy with the name Alaska. Other than that…let’s do it.
@Jimmy: Your wife was captured by aliens and now you wear a colander to make sure they don’t take you to join her? That’s cold, man, really cold.
Well, they didn’t want me. Something about too Irish, too cantankerous, stubborn and unable to hypnotize, etc. Oh, and something on my breath they didn’t like. Potatoes, I think. Besides, who wants to hang out with a bunch of lizard lips and bug-eyed worms with legs? I’m sure the ex is fine, though.
So how do you write “Miss Me Yet?” in Arabic?
Marko, I think it’s a guy thing. Being blessed with a HUGE unit myself, it would just be like totally out of proportion for me to shoot with a .22. But for some guys…hey…I guess you work with what you’ve got!
hwuu…you want to “blow a shuttle”??? Interesting! Whatever trips your trigger…
As a non-evangelical atheist, I am morally obligated to distance myself from wackos who flaunt their atheism in public for the sole purpose of being rude to theists.
Screw them.
My motto is, “I’m an atheist, not an asshole.”
I’ve quoted you and linked to you here: http://consul-at-arms2.blogspot.com/2011/09/re-nuke-news-unpopular-in-arab-world.html