Archive of entries posted on 16th December 2011

Nuke the News: Final Debate of 2011

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* I have a new New York Post column and in it I argue we shouldn’t worry about a potential cellphone ban and just feel lucky we’re allowed to drive at all. I make a pretty good argument cars would not be approved for general use if they weren’t invented until today and are basically a grandfathered freedom of a different time.

“So you’re proposing that people speed around in tons of metal? You must mean only really smart, well-trained people?”

“No. Everyone. Even stupid people.”

“Won’t millions be killed?”

“Oh, no. Not that many. Just a little more than 40,000 a year.”

“And injuries?”

“Oh . . . millions.”

* Also, I’ll be on Talk of the Town with Larry Rifkin at about 12:30pm ET talking about Obama: The Greatest President in the History of Everything.

* So, another Republican debate last night — the last of the year. Newt Gingrich got beat up a lot (while having some good answers like his condemnation of Obama on delaying the Keystone pipeline) and the FOX News commentators did put Ron Paul’s full crazy and “blame America first” foreign policy ideas on full display for Iowa. The main thing, though, was that Romney did well. Really well. Like he had so many good sounding answers — including great attacks on Obama — that I wanted to forget how much I don’t like him. With Gingrich fading, we might want to think of embracing the inevitable and learning to be like Romney. He’s not so bad. He’s like shape-shifting robot, but if he’s on our side, that’s kinda cool.

So, I think we can like Romney if we try hard and just not think about a few things. And we also will need to be prepared for lots of talk about “magic underwear” in the general election.

* By the way, Mitt Romney has picked up the endorsement of Nikki Haley. There’s some talk of her being a VP nominee, and she would be a twofer — a woman and a minority. Of course, she’s not a popular minority like black or Hispanic — she a minority minority from a group that doesn’t have a large voting block.

Oh, don’t tell me you’re above affirmative action in picking candidates. We’re not pushing out the best man for the job in favor of a minority or a woman as there is no best man for the job — they’re all politicians.

* We’ve declared an official end to the conflict in Iraq. So I guess we’ve won… maybe. I don’t remember conflicts in the past being so ambiguous on the outcome. Well, maybe in a hundred years we’ll know for sure.

* Christopher Hitchens has died. He was a great and quite cantankerous writer. He was also a famous atheist and will now find have found out whether he was wrong or… nothing.

* Wisdom of the Day: “Finally told my parents they’re gay!” –Megan Amram

* This morning I started work on my next book for HarperCollins. Thanks to the sales of Obama: The Greatest President in the History of Everything, I was asked to write another book. This one will be on my solutions for all the problems facing America. Hopefully it will start a movement when it comes out with me as leader.

Hmm… I’ll need a leader hat…

Random Thoughts

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Romney is everyone’s second choice, but he won’t get bumped up until people have exhausted all other first choices.

My cleverness level today is “oh so”.

I know what will cheer the country up: I’m going to perfect cold fusion.

I forget: Which of the GOP candidates like the Constitution?

Someone have a gotcha question for Huntsman? “Why doesn’t anyone like you?”

These are really smart questions. I can tell because I fall asleep during them.

All the candidates are wearing suits again. Someone should be different and wear a poncho.

I’d rather Congress not work at all, but Perry’s idea is a good compromise.

Romney was so good at the debate I almost forget he’s Romney.

It’s long past time to admit that the Supreme Court was a poorly thought out part of the Constitution.

Interesting debate, but I’d still rather be playing Zelda.

Ron Paul: “Here’s an idea to close up the deficit: Let’s sell Iran some of our spare nukes.”

I’m not scared about any candidate on gun issues. We’ve even convinced Democrats not to touch that hot stove.

Des Moines is a real place?

Can’t wait for the extra special Christmas Day debate!

We need more political commentary on who we think Santa would vote for.

If Ron Paul doesn’t use his influence to start a suicide cult, he’s a fool.

What I learned from not watching the debate

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There was a Republican Debate or something in Iowa last night. I think it was on the cable.

I don’t have cable. I watch all my TV over the Internet. That’s how the cool kids do it, anyway.

Not having cable means no Fox News Channel. Sure, there’s a Website or something I can go to, but not having a channel already set up on the Roku makes it easy to decide to just skip the debate.

Besides, there’s always the Twitterz.

The Twitter feeds are always much more fun than watching a bunch of politicians stand around and make smart statements (Newt Gingrich & Mitt Romney) or stupid statements (RONPAUL!!!1!!). Besides, I’ve already picked out who I’m voting for: Not Obama.

Maybe I should go through the trouble of watching the debates. After all, one of those men will be the next president. Okay, I shouldn’t eliminate Michele Bachmann from that. Unless I want to be realistic. And I do. So, one of those men will be the next president.

Ron Paul (RONPAUL!!!1!!1!!) said something stupid. He also said some smart things. And, I’m sure, some of his idiot supporters will stop by here and tell me all about the smart things Ron Paul (RONPAUL!!!1!!11!) said, or why the stupid things Ron Paul (RONPAUL!!!1!!11!) said are really smart and I’m a corporate tool or something. Oh, and FEDERALRESERVE!!!1!!

Newt stepped in it early on, but got better, and by the end of the debate, was rolling along.

Romney said some good things early on, then said some stupid stuff, and had leveled off by the end of the debate.

Rick Perry showed a bit of a sense of humor, said some okay stuff and some not okay stuff.

Huntsman was there. Or Gary Johnson. One of them. I’m not sure which. I don’t think anyone else was sure, either.

Rick Santorum was there. I think he brought the bean dip.

I mentioned Michele Bachmann. She lit into Gingrich a few times. He didn’t unhinge his jaw and devour her, but thought about it.

The Fox News moderators asked some good questions at times, but were trying to prod the candidates into fighting each other for much of the time.

If you watched the debate, let me know if I didn’t sum it up accurately. Because, as I mentioned, I didn’t watch the debate. I didn’t have to. The accuracy of my summary shows that.

Now, does this mean the debates are useless? No, not at all. It’s a good way to get smart people and raving lunatics in the same room and watch the fun. Like a reality show.

I’m thinking if we can do this every week and ask Ron Paul a bunch of foreign policy questions, he’ll eventually get an Emmy for Outstanding Comedy. Maybe that will be a good consolation prize, and he’ll let one of the candidates with some smarts run for president.

Anyway, I didn’t go through the trouble of launching a browser on my TV setup and watching the debate. I have a large supply of Mystery Science Theater 3000 DVDs to go through, so I did something productive with my time.

Maybe I’ll watch the next debate.

Nah. I have Joel and the ‘Bots watching Manos. Told you I was one of the cool kids.

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