Archive of entries posted on 19th December 2011

Nuke the News: Well, We Knew He Was Il…

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* Kim Jong Il is dead… or so reports the North Korean media in the one time we’re inclined to believe them.

The atrocities committed in North Korea on daily basis are a little too much for a humor blog to mention, and as Jonah Goldberg pointed out, I wonder what history will think of us for just standing around and letting it happen. All us non-barbaric people of the world could get together and do something… but it would be hard and people would die and there would be protests. You have two things you can focus on in life: To try and do good or to try and avoid evil. Right now, we’re kinda set in the latter. Trying to do good just causes problems, so better not try at all.

So some other insane sociopath is likely to take over North Korea, but these cults of personality always fade with each generation so who knows if he’ll keep it. And a military conflict is always a nice distraction for someone trying to hold power, so we have to watch for that.

Still, I’d like to think an evil dictator dying is a good thing. You can use all sorts of atrocities to bitterly cling to power for your short, measly life, but it all ends one day and it ends forever.

* Ron Paul is ahead in Iowa. The advantage of him winning that state is it would be as clear a statement as any of how irrelevant Iowa is and that we need to stop paying the Iowa caucus so much attention. Where do we even get these early primary states?

So, if it were between Obama and Ron Paul, who would you vote for? I’m leaning Obama there; he’s a known entity and can at least be bullied into doing what’s right. Ron Paul would just stand back while nukes are launched at us and say, “We had this coming for abandoning the gold standard!”

Anyway, expect the gloves to come off if Ron Paul wins Iowa. I don’t know what they’ll dredge up, though; other than the anti-Semitism, racist newsletters published under his name, trutherism, and “blame America first” foreign policy, the guy is pretty clean. Plus, he has some good ideas on the Fed.

* The House GOP aren’t cottoning to the payroll tax cut extension the Senate approved. The GOP won’t be satisfied until they get all their demands… plus more demands they haven’t even thought of yet. Expect Obama to look all resolute and then capitulate. The thing to remember about Obama is that he’s much more scared of you than you are of him. Much much more scared.

* There’s apparently a movement to ban exotic animals from circuses. So what would that leave? Acts with cats and squirrels? Or just nothing but clowns? ::shudder::

Of course, I haven’t been to a circus since I was five or even thought of going to one since then. They seem more of something one would go to for entertainment in the 1920s. Kids these days have things like Call of Duty video games to entertain them. If there are any exotic animals, they’ll be emptying an M-16 mag into it.

* “Osama Bin Laden, Moammar Qaddaffi, Kim Jong Il… 2012 is looking like a major rebuilding year for evil.” –Jim Geraghty

* BTW, if you’re looking for more Christmas gifts, you can send a gift Kindle book to people. It’s sent to their email, and then they can put it under any Kindle account they want (or just read it in the cloud reader if they don’t have a Kindle or a smart phone or an iPad or one of the many other things you can read Kindle books on). And I know a great book to gift…

How to make the debates more fun!

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There are seven Republican candidates left:

  • Michele Bachmann
  • Newt Gingrich
  • Jon Huntsman
  • Ron Paul
  • Rick Perry
  • Mitt Romney
  • Rick Santorum

Oh, wait. There are actually 15 left. We forgot about these:

  • Gary Johnson
  • Fred Karger
  • Andy Martin
  • Jimmy McMillan
  • Tom Miller
  • Buddy Roemer
  • Matt Snyder
  • Vern Wuensche

Why aren’t they getting in the debates? Because they have no shot?

Isn’t that what was said about Herman Cain, who was the frontrunner for a while?

Isn’t that what was said about Newt Gingrich, current frontrunner, when most of his campaign staff deserted him this past summer?

Isn’t that what Ron Paul supporters say about every other candidate?

Isn’t that what every other candidate’s supporters say about Ron Paul?

This is where Donald Trump screwed up. When most of the big names declined to show, he canceled. He should have invited the lesser-known candidates to show up. Who knows? We might be seeing Jimmy McMillan or Vern Muensche leading in Iowa.

We need to have a debate where all the candidates show up. That would be interesting. Imagine hearing this exchange:

Chris Wallace: Mr. McMillan, how would you handle the threat of a nuclear Iran?

Jimmy McMillan: The rent is too damn high! I say it again, the rent is too damn high!

Gary Johnson: Let me add, Chris, that the war on drugs has caused the rent to rise.

Buddy Roemer: The high rent favors the 1%.

Chris Wallace: Can I just go back to asking questions of Newt and Mitt? Please?

That would be fun. But perhaps I’m being unfair to Chris Wallace.

Plus, we could actually have Obama there in a dunking booth. Whenever there’s a question about Obama, the participant can either answer the question, or get a ball to throw at the plunger, trying to dunk Obama in a tank. With sharks. With frikkin’ laser beams.

We would be glad to sponsor such a debate, as long as someone else will pay for it, but still put our name on it. Here’s what we need: a venue, a moderator, and a panel.

So, what ideas have you to make the debates more fun?

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Random Thoughts

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If you’re an atheist, you never get a moment of “Aha! I was right!” about eternal nothingness. It will always require a measure of faith.

One of the best things about writing my book is that I’ve now gone from being terrified of radio interviews to enjoying them. I have to thank Michael Medved for that for showing me how to do them in a fun way.

I’m still assessing this “being a responsible adult” thing.

Brad Bird seems to be keeping his above 90% record on RottenTomatoes with his first live action film. I was so not caring about a new Mission Impossible film, but then I saw who was directing it. Somehow I doubt it will be as poignant as his other films, though.

It’s nice that the Marine Corps runs the Toys for Tots program so they can finally give something back to this country.

Ooh. My latest column for the NYPost earned a coveted “Read the whole thing.” from the puppy blender. Not his usual “I quoted the only interesting part so don’t bother clicking the link.”

I love it when I click to watch a movie trailer and they make me watch an ad first. Have to see an ad to watch an ad.

Apparently for Expendables 2 they heard your complaints about which over the hill action stars were missing and added them too. Chuck Norris better do a roundhouse kick or I’ll demand my money back.

Interesting economy they have in Legend of Zelda where one of the hardest to obtain and most valuable items is an empty bottle.

I stopped being excited for Christmas when my letter to Santa got the response, “One day, I’ll murder you while you sleep.”

I’d wake up Christmas night to see Santa standing over me. “Not this year, but maybe next,” he’d say. “Or when you least expect; like Easter.”

I stopped believing in Santa when it was revealed he had an affair.

Santa got a lot more popular with the kids when he stopped wearing clown makeup.

Last time I saw Santa, he was reading Richard Dawkins. Don’t know what to make of that.

Santa is kind of paranoid. He has lots of look-alikes go do events for him, sort of like Saddam.

I once saw Santa windup and punch an elf right in the face. Not saying I disapprove; just saying I saw it.

Santa used to root through people’s pantries for cookies and make a big mess, so eventually people figured it was just easier to leave some out for him. And if you’re leaving out cookies, you might as well leave out milk. It’s only polite.

On years when Santa is low on cash, he just sneaks in at night at relabels the gifts from your parents as from him. Parents go along with it because they feel sorry for the guy.

The reason Santa wears a red suit is the same reason the Redcoats did.

If you ever encounter Santa’s reindeer, don’t mention Rudolph. They will maul you. They hate that madeup reindeer getting all the credit.

The long and short of it is that Santa likes kids – and not in a creepy way – and you need to give a wide berth or you’re going to get hurt.

Not surprised the North Korean dictator died. I knew he was Il.

You can use atrocities to cling to your dictatorship for mere moments, but you’re still dead forever.