Although I generally oppose government handouts, as a Facially-Haired American, I fully support the American Mustache Institute’s bill to make mustache maintenance costs tax deductible.
See you at the Million Mustache March!
Official AMI Statement On U.S. Representative Roscoe Bartlett and the Stache Act
[Think you have a link that’s IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)]
SAN FRANCISCO (AP) – Breaking with the tradition of numbering its new device releases, Apple has christened its latest version of the iPad the “iBama,” hoping to tie its launch to the enthusiasm and optimism of the President’s reelection campaign.
Apple CEO Tim Cook bubbled with excitement as he described some of the new features of his company’s product.
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“The display is awesome,” he said, “the iBama comes alive with millions of diverse colors, because – thanks to our diligent efforts – it now has the most transparent screen ever.”
“We’ve also made the screen stronger. Unlike other Apple products, the iBama will be able to fall up to 30 millimeters with only minor shattering, as long as it lands on something soft, like a pillow or a particularly fluffy Pomeranian.”
Cook said people would be especially passionate about the upgrade to 4G wireless capability, and guaranteed users would get “a thrill going up their leg.”
“No more dropped connections, no more stuttering video,” Cook effervesced. “You’ll get strong clear, reception anywhere you travel, whether it’s Martha’s Vineyard, Vail, Hawaii, Spain, Rio, or even your local Ray’s Hell Burger.”
Although currently only available for pre-order, with a scheduled release date of March 16th, the iBama is already garnering positive attention world-wide. The clean, articulate device was recently listed among the 231 nominees under consideration by the 2012 Nobel Peace Prize jury. Cook was guardedly hopeful of getting the nod.
“Even though the iBama is barely out of the gate and hasn’t ACTUALLY accomplished anything yet,” said Cook,” it’s a heavy favorite to win. It has star power, name recognition, and just by its very existence in a country with a sad history of violent keyboardism, it offers the world the promise of a better, more peaceful tomorrow.”
Although some documentation, such as its original, long-form Certificate of Authenticity and the test results from various universities’ performance evaluations, will not be included with the iBama, Mr. Cook airily dismissed concerns over the omission. He emphasized that the wondrous device should be “judged on performance, not rumors,” and reminded potential buyers they should instead focus on “the many positive reviews it’s received from all the major news networks, give or take one.”
He also noted that “people need to accept that its eco-friendly all-electric design really is the future of computing in America, despite some in the right-wing media having exaggerated the tendency of its batteries to burst into flame.”
* So there’s going to be this big documentary of the Obama presidency. You’d think it would be pretty cool — like one of those big disaster films like the movie 2012. But apparently it’s going to be a campaign tool for the Obama campaign, which means it will be about the Obama presidency but they’ll somehow portray all he’s done as good. So I’m not sure if it’s a documentary or science fiction.
* Joe the Plumber won a primary to run for the seat that Dennis Kucinich will not be running for. He probably has no chancehas it’s a very Democrat district, but it’s nice to see him out there again. As you remember, Obama came by his property and he dared to ask Obama a pointed question. So the media then searched into his background, doing all the research on Joe the Plumber that they refused to do on Barack the Community Organizer. Basically, Joe the Plumber reminds us of exactly why we hate the media and want to punch them in their stupid hippie faces. So good luck to Joe, but luckily he has an actual marketable skill to fall back on if he doesn’t get elected… another big contrast between him and Obama.
* There’s some talk that Obama may try some attack on gun rights in his second term… which seems pretty suicidal. I mean, it won’t hurt Obama if he’s already been reelected, but it will decimate the Democrats, most of whom have learned that the 2nd Amendment stove his hot — don’t touch it!
Of course, the Supreme Court case showed we’re only one judge away from not having an individual right to bear arms recognized. Obama claims he supports a right to bear arms while also pointing to the judges unable to identify and read the 2nd Amendment as his model justices. Isn’t it stupid how much of our rights depend on under which president a justice dies or retires? We really have to come up with a better system that the current Supreme Court.
* So apparently video games make you a quicker thinker and smarter. So basically, all my video game playing is making me like a super human. If you’re wondering how I became this awesome political writer, it was finding all the heart pieces in Legend of Zelda games. So if you’re wife or girlfriend tells you to play less video games, remember she’s just trying to make you weaker and dumber so she can control you.
Why again do we have wives and girlfriends? They really get in the way of playing video games.
* Wisdom of the Day from Alex Baze:
Love means never having to say you’re sorry. Marriage means never saying anything else.
* So what sank the Titanic? Scientists are now blaming… the moon! If the moon causing one of our greatest naval tragedies isn’t an act of war, I don’t know what is. And don’t think it’s the last time the moon will strike against us if we let this go unavenged. So how should we retaliate? I think you all know.
Ah, novacaine; makes drinking coffee an act of faith that your lips are making a proper seal on the cup.
Ever get this feeling the Drudge Report is kinda in the tank for Romney?
IT’S A NEW IPAD!!! HERE’S ALL MY MONEY!!! GIVE IT TO ME NOW!!!
Can they put a baby proof lock on the iPad screen this time. Buttercup keeps opening mine and trying to delete all my apps.
So how many more years until we finally get our footing on this millennium?
What’s “Purim”? Sounds scifi.
So far this college thing about Obama doesn’t seem like it compares at all to him having a nutty racist preacher for 20 years.
Oh yeah, and Obama also hung out with a terrorist. Why did we elect that amoral idiot?
How is it that Obama is supposed to know better than us about our own health care but couldn’t figure out that a racist preacher is bad?
Decided I will buy the new iPad. Debating whether to also order the $40 smart cover. And what to have etched on the iPad.
I think I’ll have etched on the iPad “Important Writer”. Should be a conversation starter on how I’m important and a writer.
