When you’re campaigning for a President for whom image is everything (because, you know, no accomplishments), it behooves you to think hard about what merchandise you put in front of the public. Especially since most of Obama’s supporters lean toward being… let’s just call it “special”… and having a product that’s ambiguous in its connotations and/or function can result in unfortunate consequences and damaged reputations.

So, as a personal favor to the 4th best President ever – and certainly not as a callous attempt to get my Obamacare waiver approved – I thought I’d gently explain why Mr. O. may not want the following particular items in his campaign store:

1) “The Road We’ve Traveled” DVD

A picture of the President with a huge hole through his chest. Anyone who buys this can probably expect the Secret Service to “drop by for tea.”

2) The “African Americans for Obama” Party Pack

As I’ve previously explained elsewhere, the split-letter font in “African Americans” is stereotypically used to label African jungle safaris, and those cute little lines around the word “for” are a decorative touch commonly used in advertising during the pre-Civil-Rights era. Let’s not turn back the clock, folks.

3) “We’ve Got His/Their Back” Posters

The one on the left is ok, since it’s only about Barack. However, the one on the right drags Michelle into the conversation. Now, as the great philosopher Sir Mix-a-Lot so eloquently explained, “back” is a slang term for “butt”, and Michelle’s butt is STRICTLY off-limits as a topic of conversation.

4) “Women Across America” Screen Print

This one’s fine, except that it ends with the word “shatter”. That sort of violent imagery does nothing to help promote civil discourse in the political arena. How about “peaceably to disassemble” instead? That’s practically right out of the First Amendment, and no one ever argues about that.

5) “Still a BFD” T-Shirt

Very, VERY offensive to members of the Boston Fire Department. Don’t risk the public sector union vote like that. Also, having a white guy wear it does not reflect the Obama campaign’s dedication to diversity.

6) “Obama 2012” Women’s Tee

Logo location clearly encourages the sexist objectification of women. Also, diversity issue (see #5).

7) “I Like Obamacare” Pack

You would think this was fairly innocuous, but singling out one law that Obama’s passed as worth “liking” logically implies that you DIDN’T like everything else he passed. Do you really want your friends thinking you oppose the repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”? Or that you want Big Oil to build two halves of a pipeline? Wear this to an Occupy rally at your own risk.

8) Obama Baby Bib

“Babies for Obama?” No, sorry, that’s just too close to the tragically disrespectful Official Seal of the Democratic Party logo. Also, as Fred Thompson said on Twitter: “Obama campaign selling ‘Obama Baby Bibs’. Appropriate, since he’s always trying to shove stuff down our throats that we won’t swallow.” This sort of mockery should not be encouraged.

9) Obama Dog Tee

Oh no, no, no. We shall NOT oppress our equally-righted animal brethren and sistren by enslaving them to the tyranny of clothing. Also not good to feature a Chihuahua, an animal of White-Hispanic descent.

10) Obama-Biden 100 Sticker Pack

Comes on a roll, could easily be mistaken for toilet paper. Slick on one side, sticky on the other, 100% non-absorbent. I’m sure I don’t have to go into graphic detail as to why this is a bad idea.

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Really guys, you’d be better off just sticking with the “Winning the Future” motto on your merch.

At least the acronym “WTF” is safe, since it has only one possible interpretation.