Archive of entries posted on 11th April 2012

Link of the Day: Double Barrel Marshmallow Gun

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Are your kids too young for an AF2011-A1 double-barrel .45 pistol? Train ’em up right with the

Double Barrel Marshmallow Shooter

If that link’s too gravely unserious for you, Deb [High Praise!] offers this thought-provoking piece about property rights in outer space, which is an issue we’ll (hopefully) need to address in the very near future (and also, hopefully, after Obama’s no longer around to mortally blunder the opportunity).

How the U.S. Can Lead the Way to Extraterrestrial Land Deals

[Think you have a link that’s IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)]

10 Unfortunate Products in the Obama Campaign Store

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When you’re campaigning for a President for whom image is everything (because, you know, no accomplishments), it behooves you to think hard about what merchandise you put in front of the public. Especially since most of Obama’s supporters lean toward being… let’s just call it “special”… and having a product that’s ambiguous in its connotations and/or function can result in unfortunate consequences and damaged reputations.

So, as a personal favor to the 4th best President ever – and certainly not as a callous attempt to get my Obamacare waiver approved – I thought I’d gently explain why Mr. O. may not want the following particular items in his campaign store:

1) “The Road We’ve Traveled” DVD

A picture of the President with a huge hole through his chest. Anyone who buys this can probably expect the Secret Service to “drop by for tea.”

2) The “African Americans for Obama” Party Pack

As I’ve previously explained elsewhere, the split-letter font in “African Americans” is stereotypically used to label African jungle safaris, and those cute little lines around the word “for” are a decorative touch commonly used in advertising during the pre-Civil-Rights era. Let’s not turn back the clock, folks.

3) “We’ve Got His/Their Back” Posters

The one on the left is ok, since it’s only about Barack. However, the one on the right drags Michelle into the conversation. Now, as the great philosopher Sir Mix-a-Lot so eloquently explained, “back” is a slang term for “butt”, and Michelle’s butt is STRICTLY off-limits as a topic of conversation.

4) “Women Across America” Screen Print

This one’s fine, except that it ends with the word “shatter”. That sort of violent imagery does nothing to help promote civil discourse in the political arena. How about “peaceably to disassemble” instead? That’s practically right out of the First Amendment, and no one ever argues about that.

5) “Still a BFD” T-Shirt

Very, VERY offensive to members of the Boston Fire Department. Don’t risk the public sector union vote like that. Also, having a white guy wear it does not reflect the Obama campaign’s dedication to diversity.

6) “Obama 2012” Women’s Tee

Logo location clearly encourages the sexist objectification of women. Also, diversity issue (see #5).

7) “I Like Obamacare” Pack

You would think this was fairly innocuous, but singling out one law that Obama’s passed as worth “liking” logically implies that you DIDN’T like everything else he passed. Do you really want your friends thinking you oppose the repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”? Or that you want Big Oil to build two halves of a pipeline? Wear this to an Occupy rally at your own risk.

8) Obama Baby Bib

“Babies for Obama?” No, sorry, that’s just too close to the tragically disrespectful Official Seal of the Democratic Party logo. Also, as Fred Thompson said on Twitter: “Obama campaign selling ‘Obama Baby Bibs’. Appropriate, since he’s always trying to shove stuff down our throats that we won’t swallow.” This sort of mockery should not be encouraged.

9) Obama Dog Tee

Oh no, no, no. We shall NOT oppress our equally-righted animal brethren and sistren by enslaving them to the tyranny of clothing. Also not good to feature a Chihuahua, an animal of White-Hispanic descent.

10) Obama-Biden 100 Sticker Pack

Comes on a roll, could easily be mistaken for toilet paper. Slick on one side, sticky on the other, 100% non-absorbent. I’m sure I don’t have to go into graphic detail as to why this is a bad idea.

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Really guys, you’d be better off just sticking with the “Winning the Future” motto on your merch.

At least the acronym “WTF” is safe, since it has only one possible interpretation.

Nuke the News: And Then There Was One (Well, Three, But Two Don’t Count)

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* So Santorum has dropped out of the race. It was already looking like he wasn’t going to win Pennsylvania, which would just be an embarrassment at this point. So the primary is now over. Well, it was earlier, but we can stop pretending any other outcome than Romney as the GOP nominee is possible.

Well, most of us will stop pretending. New Gingrich is asking for donations and pretending it’s a two man race, but I don’t think anyone takes him seriously anymore. And Ron Paul… well I haven’t seen anything from him in a while and don’t really care to.

So, the only thing to do is come to grips with that it will be Romney versus Obama for 2012. Successful business man versus useless government twit — it could be worse. And here’s the advantage: We don’t like or trust Romney. Liking and trusting politicians is what gets you into trouble, but we won’t fall for that trap with Romney. He’s just a tool to us. All politicians are tools. Big tools. Dangerous tools. Ones we have to be cautious using, and we already know to be very cautious about Romney.

* So on to VP speculation! As usual, I would suggest Mr. T. He has the conservative principle of not tolerating jibber jabber, but he also is a compassionate conservative in that he pities fools.

Of course, much of the speculation is about Marco Rubio. He’s from Florida — a battle ground state. He’s young and gets the base energized. And he’s Hispanic. But he’s also only been a Senator for only a couple years — not that being a Senator is ever great experience — if people still care about the experience thing.

Chris Christie is another possibility, but that would raise the cost of the campaign significantly for having to constantly feed him.

And I hear Rob Portman mentioned a lot, though I know nothing about him. He sounds boring.

And the GOP has three minority governors: Bobby Jindal, Nikki Haley, and Susana Martinez. Minorities are popular these days, and governors have the sort of experience where you could trust them as presidential replacements.

And then there’s also Paul Ryan, Mr. Budget. If we want to make this election about the most important economic issue facing our country, he’s the go to guy. And the Tea Party loves him.

My vote is still Mr. T.

Who do you want to be Mitt Romney’s running mate?

* So what’s Obama up to now? Probably something stupid since he’s stupid. Oh, he’s pushing for the Buffet Rule. Since it will only reduce the deficit by like 0.3% and targets only a few hundred individuals, there is no reason to spend so much time on this other than mindless class warfare. If Obama is asked why he’s wasting time on this and answers anything other than, “Class warfare; I’m trying to stir up, stupid, envious people.” then Obama is lying and you should point and shout at him, “LIAR!” and spit at him. As is the custom for handling liars. That I made just now.

* Wisdom of the Day from Bryan Donaldson:

Just had a very productive meeting. There were a lot of o’s on the handout and I managed to get them all colored in.

Revealed: Secret Liberal Proof That Conservatives Are NOT Funny

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Hilarious, if only for the pouty, butthurt way these limp-wristed pseudo-intellectual leftist smug-snorters phrase their protestations. (CAUTION: foul language at the link – as if liberals could make jokes without it.)

And for extra super happy lucky bonus funny, let’s look at that oft-cited liberal humor icon Jon Stewart:


[TPM direct link]

At the 32-second mark, note that his ultra-brilliant commentary on the situation’s political subtleties consists of making mumbly-jaw mockery of an old man’s speech patterns.

Truly a high-water mark for cleverly insightful left-wing satire.

UPDATE: Linked by Top Conservative Blogs

UPDATE: Linked by Whiskey Fire

Random Thoughts: The Silver Lining of Romney

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So was the situation in Logan’s Run the result of government run health care and them trying to control costs?

So is the GOP primary over now?

People just blindly accept that Obama is president, but I’ve never seen the presidential certificate.

It’s good we already don’t like Romney. Nothing more stupid than liking a politician.

We associate John Carpenter with horror, but it sounds like someone who constructs outhouses.

Follow me on Twitter.

If you’ve ever seen the comic where Bazooka Joe loses his eye, it’s pretty graphic.