[High Praise! to seanmahair]
Obama Admin: The War On Terror Is ‘Over’
Oh really?
What do you say, John?:
[Think you have a link that’s IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)]
Previously on IMAO, I quoted Bill Maher saying “Whatever a liberal says, no matter how sensible.”
Commenter FormerHostage [High Praise!] suggested that was like saying:
“whenever Michael Moore takes pride in his personal appearance and hygiene” or “when Keith Over-man gives a calm, reasoned response” or “when Bill Maher is funny.”
Good point.
So let’s roll with it. Here’s 10 more Liberal Oxymorons:
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1) When Barabara Boxer ducks to walk through a doorway.
2) When Robert Reich shaves.
3) When Obama cuts spending.
4) When Joe Biden goes off-teleprompter and no one gasps in awkward horror.
5) When Al Sharpton sympathizes with the white victim of black thugs who beat him while yelling about “justice for Trayvon.”
6) When Hillary Clinton wears a dress.
7) When Eric Holder prosecutes a Black Panther.
8) When Occupy protesters clean up a park.
9) When Michelle Obama decides a vacation would be too big of a burden on taxpayers.
10) When Nancy Pelosi chose to grow old with grace and dignity, shunning elective surgeries and chemical skin-rejuvenation techniques.
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“When a liberal finds ‘Obama ate a dog’ jokes funny” isn’t on the list because that actually happened.
I swear I *really* want to stop talking about this subject, but something keeps drawing me back in.
Maybe if I type out a some of these annoying thoughts swirling around my head, I can make it all go away.
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1) In 1972, a Uruguayan rugby team’s airplane crashed in the Andes mountains, and some of them ate human flesh to survive. Unlike Barack Obama, none of them ate a dog.
2) If a liberal defends Obama’s dog-eating, just say – slowly, and with an honestly-confused look on your face – “yeah… but… Obama. Ate. A. Dog.” Ironically, said liberal will then get angry enough to bite the head off a terrier.
3) Obama supposedly ate a dog to gain its powers. Was his goal to lick his own privates, or did he just want to eat cat turds out of a litter box?
4) Speaking of dog-powers, Koreans regularly eat dogs, yet unlike a dog, North Korea has yet to successfully launch into Earth orbit. What’s up with that?
5) Many Americans are skeptical about whether Obama actually ate a dog, since he has yet to release his original, long-form recipe.
6) Some people are demanding that Obama apologize for eating a dog. Others call the notion ridiculous and insist that nothing short of reparations will suffice.
7) At a press briefing, White House Press Secretary Jay Carney responded to inquiries on Obama’s dog-eating by saying “it’s just a distraction”, and NOT – as some outlets reported – “a dachshund.”
8) The thing that angers liberals most about “Obama ate a dog” jokes is that they don’t make the people who tell them look racist.
9) And you thought Glenn Reynolds had trouble shaking the “puppy blender” moniker…
10) Obama never actually said he ate a dog. He only said he was “introduced to dog meat.” Begging the question, “after the introductions were over, when did he say his goodbyes?”
11) Meriwether Lewis (of Lewis and Clark fame) also ate dog. However, historians have yet to discover a single hilarious photoshopped image of him doing so.
12) Although Obama has promised that his dog-eating days are behind him, he was recently caught on a hot mic telling Russian President Dmitry Medvedev that, after the election, he’d have the “flexibility” to “chew on a dog” if Putin said his name 3 times.
13) Obama eating a dog is just a distraction from the real issues this country faces, like OBAMA ATE ROASTED GRASSHOPPER! Are we avoiding this discussion just because Mitt Romney never strapped a grasshopper to the roof of his car? The man ate a bug! And he wasn’t even being chased by Reavers!
14) Can you imagine how irritated feminists would be at the jokes being made if Obama had eaten a cat?
15) Hopefully, Obama eating a dog will finally make dogs seriously reflect and ask themselves, “why do they ate us?”. Also, they should reflect on their poor grammar skills.
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And, because I’m sure you guys need to get it out of your systems, I’ll be awarding High Praise! to the worst “Obama ate a dog” pun that gets left in the comments. Allow me to set the bar nice & low:
“Why did Obama brag about eating a dog? Doesn’t he know that Americans find that re-pug-nant?”
UPDATE: High Praise! to Les for setting the bar so low even Hermes Conrad couldn’t limbo under it.
* Obama and Romney have been going on about student loans lately. Apparently we’re in a crisis with those. Obama says he only paid his off eight years ago (I finally paid mine off last year). It does seem like an idiotic situation we’re in, but since it seems to be mainly a government made problem, I’m not sure how more government is going to help.
Let’s say someone goes to a bank and says, “Hey, I’m an idiotic eighteen-year-old. Want to give me a hundred thousand dollar loan?” The bank would send out the security to beat the teenager with sticks and everyone would end up the better for it. But instead, we have the government guaranteeing those idiotic loans so they get made anyway. It’s supposed to be we’re investing in our kids education, but as you can see from the college grads in Occupy Wall Street, mutual funds would be a much better investment. How about we stop this crisis by doing the logical thing and not giving moron teenagers the ability to go deeply into debt since most sensible banks would never give them that money in the first place without meddlesome government intervention?
* Gingrich is thinking about suspending his campaign. Probably with the combination of landslide losses, being deeply in debt, and pretty much everyone ignoring that the primary is still going on, he’s thinking maybe he won’t win the nomination. That guy has a mind like a steel trap.
* It looks like Romney’s strategy will be to portray Obama as a nice guy who is in over his head as president. So I guess Romney isn’t going to talk about how Obama is a dog-eating son of a polygamist who launched his political career from a terrorist’s house and who’s spiritual adviser is a crazed, racist conspiracy theorist. Instead, Romney is just going to focus on how horrible Obama has been at absolutely everything as president. Seems like a good strategy.
Personally, I’ll probably focus a bit on the dog-eating, though.
* The Supreme Court is hearing arguments over the Arizona immigration law. The federals government under Obama wants to not enforce its laws and thinks that supersedes the states’ rights to enforce them. Let’s just feel lucky we don’t have a more liberal court or they’d probably just rule borders as racist and illegal.
* My favorite comic, Axe Cop, is going to be made into a TV show for FOX. In these trying times, what our nation needs is a no-nonsense cop with an axe.
So are they going to have the now eight-year-old Malachai Nicolle actually write the series? I don’t think any adult will be able to quite recreate his creative genius. Children are just better at creativity; we eventually put limits on our own thinking as we grow older and slowly lose that ability. Not me, though, because I’m awesome (and as proof I’m awesome, I have a parodying drawing of the cover of my book by Axe Cop artist Ethan Nicolle).
UPDATE: linked by Darth Chipmunk
UPDATE: linked by Liberal Whoppers
From Bill Maher:
“Whatever a liberal says, no matter how sensible, is automatically evil, wrong, and needs to be fought with the fervor of a starving raccoon on crystal meth.”
“RACCOON WARRIORS ATTAAAAAAAAAACK!”
The GOP should start a “War on People Looking for Distractions from How Bad Obama Has Been at Being President.”
“Where did these people get the idea that government isn’t the solution to the problem but is the problem?” -Reagan looking at today’s GOP
So Obama is going to take on the government created mess of student loans? Chance of things becoming worse: 1 in 1.
