Archive of entries posted on 23rd May 2012

Why Didn’t Elizabeth Warren Claim to Be 1/32 Cowboy?

Posted by on
Now THIS is a great-great-great grandmother worth bragging about.

Bernie Quigley excused Elizabeth Warren’s pathetic lie about her Native American heritage, saying “It is not so much a lie as it is the acculturation of personal and regional American myth; the fabric of old-soul American consciousness.”

Ridiculous.

Americans are winners. The Indians lost.

Nothing to be ashamed of, though. Americans can at least respect tough fighters. That’s why – even after 40 years of the Cold War – liquor stores still sold “vodka” instead of “All-American Tater Whiskey.” With Native Americans, we honor their relentless spirit with our sports team names, like “Indians” and “Redskins” and “Chiefs.” There’s a reason you’ll never see a team called “Hippies”, or “Biebers”, or “National Organization for Women.”

Warren might as well brag about being 1/32 Chicago Cub.

But if she wanted to just make something up based on “old-soul American consciousness,” why not embrace her inner cowboy? They successfully tamed a land while providing its citizens with tasty steaks. Plus they invented the silver bullet, which has kept our great nation werewolf-free for over 150 years.

Or why not 1/32 Chinese? They built railroads, kept our laundry sparkling white (using their powerful ancient Chinese secrets) and discovered the fold-top cardboard take-out food container.

Yeah, yeah, I know – a woman without brown eyes or straight, black hair claiming to be Chinese… who’d believe THAT?

Harvard, I suppose.

Bunch of losers. Haven’t been to a Rose Bowl since 1920. Might as well be the Cubs.

The Ultimate Government Green Energy Program Metaphor

Posted by on


[YouTube direct link] (Viewer #1,586,973)

She takes a normal bike, modifies it with special tail-guards around the chain & wheels, adds training wheels, and “invests” who knows how many hours training an otherwise perfectly-functional dog to ride it. For 20 feet. Which is as good as it’ll ever get because of the inescapable physical limitations involved.

Ladies and gentlemen: the Chevy Volt.

Link of the Day: How Not to Make a Campaign Ad

Posted by on

Today’s Hope n’ Change Cartoon:

Ad to the Confusion

Also this, from the author’s commentary:

“The Obama campaign is attacking Romney’s virtues because they are “virtues”…with the expectation that these laudable qualities and traditional American values are abhorrent to those on the Left.”

Congratulations, Mr. President, you’re now officially an Ayn Rand villain:

Envy is regarded by most people as a petty, superficial emotion and, therefore, it serves as a semihuman cover for so inhuman an emotion that those who feel it seldom dare admit it even to themselves… That emotion is: hatred of the good for being the good.

[Think you have a link that’s IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)]

Comment of the Day: If Obama Ran a Lemonade Stand

Posted by on

[High Praise! to Son of Bob]
______________

1) Government union workers construct the lemonade stand. Construction takes three years, and comes in at just over 2 million dollars… more than twice the projected amount.

2) Obama is not part of the union, so he can’t work in his own stand. AFL-CIO goons picket the stand before it opens and threaten people in the neighborhood.

3) DC police start including the stand in their daily patrols – not to protect anyone from the union goons but to close the stand down because they insist he gets food permits.

4) Environmentalists picket the unopened stand because it’s made of wood, and some cry for the trees that were cut down to supply the wood for the stand.

5) College students sit around the stand, while others attempt to set it on fire, as the stand represents “capitalism” and they plan to “Occupy” it.

6) Two years later, after Obama finally does the government-required studies and buys the required permits, and hires a union worker to serve the lemonade, the lemonade must sell for $100 per glass to make a profit.

7) Stand closes next day.

8) Obama learns nothing.
______________

UPDATE: Linked by YouViewed

Vial of Reagan’s Blood Purchased by Blogger to Create Clone Army

Posted by on

LONDON (AP) – A Channel Islands auction house said that it has sold a vial allegedly containing a blood sample from Ronald Reagan to a right wing blogger in Idaho who claims he intends to use it to create “an unstoppable army of Reagan clones.”

Just some of the millions of Reagans who will soon battle tirelessly to defeat communism and punch hippies.

The blogger, known on the internet by the obviously fake name “Frank J”, said it was all part of his plan to “Keep America Awesome.”

“I’ve done a lot to serve my country in the past,” said Frank. “Mostly by having a brother who’s a Marine. But also by launching various intricate schemes to defeat those who would put limits on the awesomeness of this great nation. Not just degenerate foreigners, but other smelly things, like monkeys & hippies.”

“Unfortunately, my plans don’t always quite work as well as I hope,” Frank said. “Like my S.M.I.T.E. space laser platform that hit the Navy SEAL stealth helicopter instead of bin Laden’s dialysis machine. Or that incident with my “Dinosaurs With Rocket Launchers” plan, the debacle of which was chronicled in the documentary, ‘Jurassic Park.'”

Despite his previous “minor setbacks” the “crazy, but not dangerous” right-wing humor blogger insisted that his “Reagan Clone Army” idea was “foolproof.”

“I’ve spent a lot of time study the flaws of previous historical attempts to create clone armies,” said Frank, a look of grim determination crossing his face. “I’ve eliminated all possible obstacles to success. There will be no CGI hairless rabbits with Jamaican accents, no shadowy Senators who enjoy cross-dressing in hooded bathrobes, and most importantly, the thermal exhaust ports on my planet-destroying space stations will all be smaller than womp rats.”
______________

Ace IMAO Reporter silaS marreD [High Praise!] contributed to this story.

Wisdom of the Day: There There

Posted by on

From Andy Levy:

If you don’t know the difference between “there,” “their” and “they’re” your a moron.

Nuke the News: Do We Like Obama or Capitalism More?

Posted by on

* Obama won the Arkansas primary! 58% to 42%, which would be a really good margin if he weren’t an incumbent running unopposed. But what does Obama care as he is unlikely to win the Arkansas electoral votes anyway and has a strategy of complete abandonment of anyone who doesn’t help his election prospects. They can just go cling to their guns and religion as he has white college kids to act all evolved in front of.

* More Democrats are coming out in favor of Bain. I think the problem with Obama’s Bain attacks is he hasn’t really distinguished them from attacks on capitalism in general, and this country doesn’t want some capitalism-attacking Commie. Capitalism is why we have all our cool awesome stuff. If we have to choose between an iPad and oBama, it’s pretty easy to say which one is cooler and more useful.

I think Obama is just all confused and scared about capitalism because he’s never had an actual job and had to participate in the economy before. Maybe he should try running a lemonade stand on the sidewalk in front of the White House. He could learn a few good lessons.

* Union thugs put up an effigy of Nikki Haley and pummeled it. Normally, if white people were violent towards an effigy of a minority, that would be big national news, but you have to get the political parties in the right order for that.

But I’m sure the union thugs had smart reasons for what they were doing. They did release the statement, “Me no like! Smashee smashee!” Ah, unions, they’re totally going to have a big comeback.

* Arizona has accepted Obama’s birth records, so now Obama can visit Arizona without being deported to Kenya. If he has his ID.

* A record low number of people now identify with the Orwellian “pro-choice” label. That’s probably from Buttercup making babies so popular again.

* A vial of Ronald Reagan’s blood is up for auction. It’s expected to go for a high value since rumor has it that if it were sprayed on Obama, he would melt like the Wicked Witch of the West.

There was almost also going to be an auction for a vial of Jimmy Carter’s blood, but auction houses don’t accept merchandise from rabbits.

* I want these:

I certainly know with which unicorn Ronald Reagan’s blood would side with.

Random Thoughts: Gay Superheroes

Posted by on

DC Comics announces that one of their superheroes is coming out of the closet. Aquaman will now start every comic shouting, “It’s not me!”

The DC superhero who is coming out of the closet is Black Lightning who will change his name to Gay Black Lightning.

Shouldn’t it be news that some of the guys who hang out in colorful tights aren’t gay?

Elizabeth Warren is 1/32 gay superhero.

That vial of Ronald Reagan’s blood sounds like a good start to a superhero origin story.

Maybe all of Darkseid’s aggression is because he won’t come out of the closet.

Just got a Marvel newsletter mentioning they’re having a gay X-Men marriage. Competition!

If someone is both gay and an X-Men, that really confuses the metaphor.