[Think you have a link that’s IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)]
Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States, where – week by week – I’ll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting, yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.
This week, we’re going out to where even the Gila Monsters use SPF 50 as we head west to Arizona, so let’s get started…
The 13 rays of red and gold in Arizona’s state flag represent the original 13 colonies as well as the typical sunburn acquired by tourists.
Arizona is a large state in the southwestern US. It was originally part of Mexico until after the Mexican-American war when it snuck across the border.
Many old people move to Arizona to retire, only to be sold as slaves to work in the state’s many copper mines.
The original London Bridge was shipped stone-by-stone and reconstructed in Lake Havasu City, mostly to give retirees something to do between mining shifts.
The Arizona desert was the site of many nuclear tests in the 1950’s. Which explains why Senator John McCain has no hair.
What happened to his spine is still a mystery.
The Grand Canyon is located in Arizona and was discovered by the Brady Bunch in 1971.
Raise your hand if you wish Bobby & Cindy would’ve STAYED lost.
Yeah, me too.
Arizona’s state fossil is petrified wood, which has NOTHING to do with old men and Viagra.
Arizona has a reputation for incredibly hot weather, however, during the winter months, it gets cold enough that molten steel will actually freeze solid if left outside.
Arizona is a Hopi Indian word meaning “Help! I’m melting!”
Arizona was once struck by a giant meteor that left a crater over a mile in diameter. Geologic studies of the area indicate that God was actually aiming for Las Vegas.
There are 11 different species of rattlesnake in Arizona. Surprisingly, none of them taste like chicken.
Despite the presence of a large, modern football stadium in Glendale, Arizona, the state has no professional football team. The key word here being “professional”.
The state gemstone of Arizona is turquoise, a semi-precious stone with a name so gay even General Motors wouldn’t name a car after it.
One of the most attractive features of Arizona are its many towering stone mesas. While driving underneath them, be careful to watch for falling coyotes.
Heh. He’ll NEVER catch that roadrunner.
The state plant of Arizona is the Saguaro Cactus. Its numerous sharp spines are perfect for holding your unused rattlesnakes.
When you need them again, you can peel them right off. Just like velcro!
The state neckwear of Arizona is the cattle-rustler’s noose.
The landlocked state of Arizona once had a battleship named after it, which makes about as much sense as a weight loss program named after Michael Moore.
The state bird of Arizona is the Cactus Wren, a small bird that will fit neatly between your unused rattlesnakes.
The majority of Arizona’s land is set aside as reservations for Indians, none of whom can rain dance worth a damn.
The Hopi Indians of Arizona are best known for their multi-colored “Indian corn” as well as their annual “most colorful poo” contest.
The Grand Canyon’s most famous waterfall, “Disaster Falls” was named after Howard Dean’s presidential campaign. YEEEEARGH!!!
Camels were once used to transport goods across Arizona, but were banned after it was discovered that their noxious emissions contributed to global warming.
Don’t believe me? Just look at what they’ve done to the Middle East.
The 13 rays of red and gold in Arizona’s state flag represent the original 13 colonies as well as the typical sunburn acquired by tourists.
Very few battles in the Civil War were actually fought in Arizona because it was just too damn hot to fight. Mostly they just flipped a coin to determine a winner.
Thank God the North had a good supply of two-headed coins.
Arizona became the 48th state on February 14th, 1912, thus freeing Mexicans from the burden of having to sneak all the way north into Utah.
That wraps up the Arizona edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we’ll be cigar-shopping in Clinton country as we take a look at Arkansas.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go grab some of my unused rattlesnakes. [insert velcro sound effect]
