Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States, where – week by week – I’ll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting, yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.

This week, we’ll discover the incomparable, if slightly disturbing, joys of dog-whipping as we mush our sled north to Alaska, so let’s get started…

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• Alaska is the northernmost of the 50 states, and consists largely of a frigid, inhospitable wasteland, much like Bill Clinton’s marriage.
• Before the Eskimos settled in Alaska, it was populated by a race of midgets, but they were all clubbed to death by baby seals, and no record of their civilization remains.
• 90% of Alaska’s oil is pumped to the lower 48 states via the Alaskan pipeline. The other 10% is pumped directly into Prince William Sound just to irritate Greenpeace.
• There are no cars in Alaska because it’s too cold for an internal combustion engine to work. If an Alaskan wants to travel, he must either use a dogsled, or carve a car-shaped, Flintstone-like vehicle out of ice.
• The first non-Eskimo settlement in Alaska was established in 1784 on the Western coast of the state by Mexicans who had run out of borders to sneak across.
• Alaskan Eskimos have over 200 different words for “cold,” all of which start with “Damn!”
• Like that line? I stole it from a Mexican while he was sneaking across the border.
• Alaska’s original state motto was “Hey! What happened to my brass monkey?”
• Most of the people who move to Alaska are criminals and con artists looking for a fresh set of unsuspecting victims – much like Congressmen, except with parkas.
• The Alaskan state legislature is currently evenly split along party lines between moose and polar bears.
• Alaska spends 6 months of every year in total darkness, making them ripe for a takeover by the Sith.
• Alaska is so big that it could hold Texas, Montana and Nebraska and STILL have room left over for Arnold Schwarzenegger’s bicep.
• It could even hold Michael Moore if you took out Texas.
• During World War 2, the Japanese actually invaded Alaska, but all the Japanese soldiers were eaten by a giant radioactive lizard.
• Alaska became the 49th state on January 3rd, 1959, although it was 2 more years before their star thawed out enough for it to be sewn onto the flag.
• The fishing industry is Alaska’s largest private employer. The second largest is importing mail order brides from Russia.
• All the rivers in Alaska are permanently frozen over, making Alaska the only state in the U.S. where it was safe to ride in a car driven by Ted Kennedy.
• Every year, millions of salmon swim upstream into Alaska to return to their spawning grounds and flee the socialist oppression of Canada.
• If I remember correctly, Alaska’s state flower is the forget-me-not.
• I’ll let you think about that one for a minute.
• The official State sport of Alaska is dog mushing, which shouldn’t be confused with puppy blending – the official state sport of Tennessee.
• The record high temperature in Alaska was set in 1951 in Fort Yukon at 100 degrees Fahrenheit. This was the only time in history when being a weatherman in Alaska was NOT the easiest job in the world.
• Most Alaskan weathermen were fired that day because they didn’t have a word to describe the temperature.
• The current official state motto of Alaska is “North to the future.” The unofficial state motto is “South to somewhere warm.”
• Contrary to popular myth, there are no penguins in Alaska. Try looking in Gotham city.
• Alaska boasts the lowest population density of any state in America except for whichever state Al Gore is giving a speech in.
• Alaska’s name is based on the Eskimo word “Alakshak,” which means “Damn!”

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That wraps up the Alaska edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we’ll be elbowing leathery-skinned retirees out of our way at the mall as we take in the sights of Arizona.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go rescue a salmon from Canadian socialist oppression…

Hey ya filthy Canuck! Get your hands off that fish!

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