HOLLYWOOD (AP) – With the record-breaking box-office success of “The Avengers,” Time Warner Studios is hoping to bounce back from its disappointing “Green Lantern” entry into the superhero-movie genre with a new film designed to give a dark, gritty reboot to DC Comics’ “Aquaman”.
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Time Warner spokesman Eric Mangan enthusiastically explained the studios’ vision.
“Most people only know Aquaman from the horrid 70’s ‘SuperFriends‘ cartoons, said Mangan, “and they tend to remember him as some loser in green tights who was so lame that he was frequently upstaged by Wendy, Marvin, and WonderDog. Still, other than being completely helpless on land, he was actually stronger than Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman combined. At least in the area of piscine communication skills.”
With few people – even Aquaman’s biggest fans (assuming he has any) – knowing or caring anything about America’s most bedampened superhero, studio execs felt they had the advantage of having a completely blank slate as far as creating a compelling backstory for the watery wonder.
“We’ve already hired the country’s foremost Aquaman expert, Frank Fleming, to spearhead the script-writing process,” said Mangan. “This thing is going to be box office gold. GOLD, I say!”
Speaking from his secluded mountain shack in darkest Idaho, Fleming could hardly contain his excitement.
“Yeah, I’ve made up stuff about Aquaman before,” said Fleming, “so I’m pretty sure I can do it again. You know, except all dark & gritty instead of him being a wimpy, fish-talking fruitcake. I’ll probably start off with vignettes of him getting beat up by his enemies, like a maple leaf, bedbugs, and high gas prices, just to give him the bitterness and anger that drives all dark & gritty superheroes.”
“I’m not sure who I’ll show him battling successfully at the end, yet,” Fleming admitted, “but I’m currently toying with some sort of epic final confrontation with Barack Obama at an algae biofuel plant where he dramatically reveals that they aren’t really using high-energy plankton – sorta like the end of ‘Soylent Green’.”
I would have thought that a movie with “The Wet Knight” in the title would have been about somebody suffering from enuresis.
The title actually sounds kinda NC-17.
You mean, “Aquaman: The Wet Dream.”
Let’s not mince words here. This thing is gayer than Tinkerbelle’s pixie dust.
Yeah, but it’s a dark & gritty kinda gay.
More “Oz”, less “The Birdcage”.
Wow…A bunch of homophobic, mouthbreathing morons on this website. Also, if you guys could read, you would know: Aquaman kicks ass. Seriously, go to your local comics shop and ask around. Have your mommies give you rides, if you need too.
No need, Andy. Your mommy gives me rides all the time.
= 25 millirancors. Score that baby!
Aquaman would be the worst movie ever, and here’s why.
Remember batman’s original outfit? http://images4.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20111123184906/batman/images/8/86/Batman-and-robin-tv.jpg They changed it for the movies to make it awesome, but you can’t do that with Aquaman because he’s in water and stuff. Also, Aquaman doesn’t have an inseparable, effeminate, live-in sidekick like Robin to make him seem more manlier by comparison.
He lives in the ocean, and the ocean is boring. It’s just water. There has never been a good story about stuff in the ocean. Moby Dick, Mutiny on the Bounty, 20,000 leagues under the sea, all of those books only sold like 10 copies and are now only read by hipsters who read them ironically because of how bad and boring they are.
And if you think reading words about the ocean is boring, actually seeing the ocean is like torture. Water. That’s it. Oh look, water. Oh wow, over there… more water. Think of all the horrible failed movies that happened in the ocean; Jaws (people on a boat wishing they were on a bigger boat, YAWN), Pirates of the Carribean (okay, the zombie monkey was cool, but the rest was total fail), Hunt for Red October (oh no, my submarine is wet), Titanic (let’s not even try to fit 2 people on this enormous chunk of wood). Great directors have tried to make a movie out of water, but it’s just not doable.
Plus, Aquaman can talk to fish and control them. Who cares? It’s the lamest power ever. My buddy can make his dog, Giant Killer Robot, fetch him beer; I told him it’s stupid to be able to control animals because there’s no point to it. Who would want to watch Aquaman make a Kraken or giant squid attack a bunch of Somalian pirates? And it’s not like a bad guy could use the ocean to do anything evil anyway. Remember hurricane Katrina? Oh no, people are getting wet and having a party in some stadium. Or how about that sunami thing that made people wet in Indonesia and made people radioactive in Japan? Why would we want Aquaman to stop that? That’s how real super heroes are made.
Nothing sexy ever happens in water either. Wet women are a turn off, same with women in bikinis.
I suppose Aquaman could help find Nemo again or something, I’d watch that.
Yosoff – I spent 6 years in the Navy. You don’t have to tell ME how boring the ocean is.
Preachin’ to the choir, baby.
I realize you were being sarcastic here, but I still reacted with, “OOH! OOH! I would TOTALLY watch that! Make this movie NOW!”
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