RENO (AP) – During a campaign stop in Reno, Nevada, President Obama announced that from now on, the Secret Service would only hire sexless, elderly couples to protect the President. The move comes in response a recent scandal involving young, stud-muffinly, male Secret Service agents paying women for sex during a Presidential visit to Colombia.
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The latest hires, Fred and Ethel Mertz of Reno, Nevada, have been married for 45 years, and last engaged in an act of physical intimacy in 1990.
“Well,” said Fred, “the ol’ Johnson stopped working after the heart attack, and the doc says my ticker ain’t strong enough to handle the blue pills. But it’s been so long I don’t really miss it, anyway. But on the bright side, my complete lack of libido allows me to fully concentrate on protecting the Commander-in-Chief from wild-eyed crazies what mean to do him harm.”
“I’ll jump in front of the man to take a bullet, although it might take me a bit to get there. Too many years of too much pasta,” said Fred with a grin, affectionately rubbing his paunch.
“Honestly, I never much cared for bedroom antics anyway,” said Ethel, “and I was actually relieved when Fred stopped pestering me. I’ve got my knitting to keep me busy, and if anyone so much as looks at the President wrong, I’ll jab both needles straight into his peepers.”
“Assuming he doesn’t run away,” added Ethel thoughtfully. “My hip pains me some on damp days, and I’m not as spry as I used to be.”
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UPDATE: Linked by The Jawa Report
For their first act of bravery, Fred Mertz held back a Jeep from rolling slowly toward the President.
Never attack an old man.
If he’s too old to fight you, he’ll just have to kill you.